


Total Drama All Stars Redux

by Kamikaze2007



Category: Total Drama
Genre: AU where Mike doesn't have a reset button, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-19
Updated: 2014-07-18
Packaged: 2018-01-19 23:11:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 72,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1487581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kamikaze2007/pseuds/Kamikaze2007
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Total Drama All Stars redone with different characters, less Mike, and a complete absence of crappy reset buttons.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Condors vs. Gophers

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to Total Drama Redux! The only thing you need to know going into this is that line breaks constitute three things: where the opening would go, confessional transitions, and the mid-show commercial break. Please leave feedback and enjoy!

Chris sat in his jail cell playing with Mini-Chef the cashew when a stack of papers was slid under the door one by one. He saw the papers and frowned. “Hey, what's going on?” He asked as he picked up the papers. “This isn't my lunch, this is...” He trailed off as he started reading the paper and finally gasped. “This is a contract for season five of Total Drama! Dude! Sign me up!”

Three short months later, Chris stood on the docks of Camp Wawanakwa, complete with a giant structure hidden under a tarp to his right, the Drama Machine to his left, and a countless number of cameras filming his good side (which was every side.) “Welcome back to Total Drama!” He enthused. “This year we've brought together all of _your_ favorite competitors across all four seasons!” After he finished his sentence, a helicopter descended over the water just right of the giant tarp. “And here they come now! Introducing, your final two from last season, Cameron and Lightning!”

The side door to the helicopter opened to reveal Cameron, the short, pencil thin kid with glasses standing next to Lightning, the tall, insanely ripped jock. They waved awkwardly at the cameras as Chef Hatchet appeared behind them and shoved them out of the helicopter, sending them falling into the waters below. “Joining them are six other contestants from Total Drama Revenge of the Island. In no particular order, say hello to Scott.”

The red-headed boy, now free from the robot he was trapped in clung to the side of the helicopter. “You're not sending me down there, man! There might be sharks in there...” Against his wishes, Chef pried him off the chopper and dropped him into the water.

“Jo.”

The tall, dirty blonde girl waved Chef away as she prepared to dive. “Check it out, this is gonna be an Olympic level dive.” She started squatting and preparing herself, but Chris called for the next contestant before she could dive properly.

“Brick!”

“Sir yes sir!” Brick marched directly off the aircraft, taking Jo with him. When they surfaced, Jo stared daggers at him until they made it to the dock.

“Sam.”

Chef hauled Sam to the side of the copter by his shirt. “Wait, don't throw me in yet, I haven't reached a save point yet!” Chef disregarded his request and dropped him overboard.

“Zoey.”

“Hey everyone,” Zoey waved from the chopper. “I just wanted to say that I'm super glad to be back to compete with all my fr--”

“Hurry it up you dang ol' young'in!” A voice from behind her chirped. “Why, when I was yer age, we didn't have time for silly baby froufrou introductions. We had a war to win!”

“And Mike. AKA Chester, AKA Svetlana, AKA Vito, AKA Manitoba.”

Mike regained control and opened his mouth to apologize for Chester's rude behavior, but before he could, Chef pushed the two of them into the air, where any attempt at an apology became a scream for dear life.

“And now, joining them from Total Drama World Tour is Sierra!”

Sierra snapped a picture from the helicopter and started typing away on her phone while Chef picked her up. “This is so going on my blog ASAP.” After that was a screech as she plummeted into the waters below.

“And from Total Drama Island, welcome your All Stars. Duncan.”

The young criminal flashed a rock on sign with his hands before shouting “geronimo!” and doing a cannon ball into the water.

“Heather, the queen of mean.”

Heather, her hair fully grown and in a ponytail, stood with her arms crossed. “I'm not jumping. You won't make me.”

“Watch me,” Chef muttered as he unceremoniously shoved her out of the helicopter.

“Former Total Drama Aftermath co-host, Geoff!”

“Woohoo! It's party time!” Geoff screamed as he followed Duncan's example and jumped of his own accord.

“Noah.”

“I thought you said this wouldn't be a physical season!” Noah screamed to be heard over the chopper blades.

“I lied,” Chef shrugged and bumped into Noah, sending him careening out of the aircraft.

“Eva.”

Eva glared at Chef. “Touch me and you're dead.” She growled. Then she stepped off and into the air.

“And finally, everyone's favorite nutjob: Izzy!”

Chef looked around, scratching his head. “Chris, I can't find her.”

“What do you mean you can't find her?” As Chris asked this, Izzy appeared behind Chef, and let out a warrior scream before pushing Chef himself out of the helicopter. She, of course, jumped in right after him.

“Um, Chef?” Chris asked when Chef surfaced.

“Yeah?”

“Was anyone else on that helicopter?”

“No.”

As if on cue, the helicopter spiraled out of control and hit the water with an explosion. The charred remains sank into the water below and Izzy cackled maniacally. “Ha ha ha, boom boom!”

Chris shrugged and continued his introduction. “Who will prove themselves as true all stars? And who will sink like a...helicopter? Find out this season on Total! Drama! All stars!”

* * *

Once all the contestants were dried off and on the dock, it was time to separate them into teams. “Alright kiddos,” Chris said. “It's time to join some teams. We separated you into two groups based on how well you did in past seasons. This first team is made up of those of you who performed the strongest overall. When I call your name, stand on the dock to my left. Duncan, Lightning, Heather.”

“Oh great, I'm on Heather's team,” Duncan whined as he followed Chris' instructions. “And where's Gwen? I was told she would be here too.”

“You'll see,” Chris answered.

“Aw, yeah! Might as well just call this Team Lightning. Sha-zam!”

“Can I like, not?” Heather asked.

“You can like, shut up,” Chris answered. “Next are Jo, Cameron, Zoey and Sierra.”

“I don't want to be on the same team as Jo again,” Cameron complained.

“I second pencil-neck's whining,” Jo chipped in.

“Hey, don't worry about it Cam, at least you're on my team, right?” Zoey assured him.

“Yeah, I guess you're right.”

Sierra simply clapped as she skipped over to join her team. “You guys will henceforth be known as the Victorious Condors.” Chris said. “The next team is going to include those of you who didn't do so well. When I call your name, stand next to the thing under the tarp. Mike, Sam, Scott.”

“I don't get to be on Zoey's te--”

“No, Mike. You don't,” Chris interrupted.

“Hey, I did great last season!” Scott objected.

“Throwing challenges and framing your teammates?” Sierra asked. “I don't think so.”

“I agree with the stalker, er, blogger,” Chris said. “Now stop your whining.”

“They have a point, Scott,” Sam said.

“Shut it, four-eyes!”

“Brick and Geoff.”

“It's an honor to be on your team, sir,” Brick said to Geoff.

“Whoa man, just call me Geoff, okay? None of that sir business.”

“Sir yes...I mean, okay Geoff.”

“And finally, Izzy, Noah, and Eva.”

“Woo! Team E-scope reunited!” Izzy shouted, bringing Noah and Eva into a hug.

“I can hardly contain my joy,” Noah sighed. “Now please let me go before Eva kills us both for getting within twenty feet of her.”

“I won't do that,” Eva said after Izzy let them go. “I went to anger management classes—again and this year, I'm going to put them to good use and not get voted out so early. Just try to make it the same for you, alright?”

“Hey, I'll have you know I went farther than you could dream in season three.”

“You were the first of your team voted off, smart guy,” Eva shot.

“At least I won a challenge or two.”

“At least I didn't kiss a guy!”

“Ki—hey shut up!” Noah spat.

“He's so lucky to have kissed Cody,” Sierra sighed.

“Ahem,” Chris faked a cough. “Anyway, your team will be hereby known as the Generic Gophers.”

“Gee, thanks,” Sam sighed. “Makes me feel so much better about myself.”

“That was what I was going for.”

“Chris?” Heather asked. “Um, two things.”

“Yes, Heather?”

“First of all, why is Eva back? You _can't_ be trying to tell me she's a fan favorite.”

“Oh, right. I lied about that. Again. Next question?”

“I count eight people on the other team, and we only have seven. That's not fair.”

“I've got an idea!” Izzy shouted from the Gopher side of the dock. “Me and Sierra will switch again!”

“Okay!” Sierra clapped again. Her and Izzy ran to opposite sides of the dock, high-fiving in the middle.

“So much for Team E-scope,” Noah muttered.

“That doesn't change the fact that we're outnumbered,” Jo complained.

Chris sighed. “I thought since you were the Victorious Condors, you could beat the odds and overcome uneven teams, but if it'll make you shut up about it, you can have the robot.” The drama machine rolled over to the Condor team and beeped at Heather.

“Uh, thanks. I guess.”

* * *

Heather sat on the confessional toilet with her arms crossed. “That stupid robot has been hitting on me non-stop since after the season three finale. And now I'm supposed to be on the same team as it? Ugh, I'm so done with this game.”

* * *

“Uh, Chris?” Zoey asked.

“What is it _now_? No, you can't be on Mike's team.”

“It's not that. Rude, by the way, but not that. Why are we the Condors if they're the Generic Gophers?”

“Yeah,” Cameron asked. “Why don't we get the alliteration? Condor doesn't start with a V.”

“It also doesn't rhyme with three. Any more questions?”

“Ugh, I'm sick of your vagueness McLean,” Jo stomped her foot in frustration. “Let's get on with the game.”

“Good idea!” Chris congratulated her. “Let's make way to the location of the first ever challenge in Total Drama history: The 100-foot cliff.”

On the way to the cliff, Sam looked around at the pristine forests and the adorable wildlife surrounding him. “Uh, Chris? What happened here while you were, uh, locked away?”

“They cleaned every nook and cranny of this place. No more mutants, no more toxic waste, and definitely no more crazy ex-contestants hiding out in caves. As far as we know.”

“Aw man,” Sam complained. “The only reason I came back was so I could become a mutant like my Dakota. There's no point in being here now.”

“Is that a quitter I hear?” Chris teased.

“Yeah, actually, it is,” Sam said, turning around. “If you need me, I'll be at the dock. I'll go home with whoever goes home first.”

“Suit yourself,” Chris shrugged. “But I'll only tolerate one quitter per season, so if anyone wants to fight Sam to the death for that privilege, speak now or forever hold your guts.”

“Um, isn't it pea--” Mike started, but Chris interrupted, because they had reached their destination.

“Welcome to the first challenge of Total Drama All Stars. This season, we're changing everything up.” As he said this, an intern rolled in a TV on a stand. “The losing team for each challenge will, as usual, stay the night in one of our dingy, crappy cabins.” The TV showed the familiar cabin that everyone (except Sierra) had stayed in before. “However, the winners...” The TV showed a gigantic mansion right next to the old cabin. “Will stay in the all new, eco-friendly, McLean spa hotel. Complete with butler, hot tub, and 24-hour masseuse.”

Everyone marveled at the picture of the big house in awe, while Mike fumed with his arms crossed. “Yeah, would be great if I could finish a sente--”

“There seems to be a problem, though...” Chris said, turning off the TV. “We have...accidentally, of course, tossed a crap-ton of keys into these dangerous waters below the cliff.”

“Excuse me?” Duncan asked. “Mind running that one by us again?”

“Oh, it's no biggie, really. All you have to do is dive off this cliff into the shark-infested waters.”

“Sh...sharks?” Scott squealed.

* * *

Scott sat huddled in the fetal position on the confessional toilet. “Okay, so maybe I have a phobia of sharks...can you blame me?”

* * *

“From there, you will try to avoid the sharks long enough to snag a key. And choose wisely. Only one of those suckers is the real deal. Assuming you live long enough to reach dry land, a teammate will drive you to the hotel in one of the baby carriages from season three's race through central park. First team to unlock the spa door wins. The losing team _will_ be sending someone home, so don't slack off! Everyone pick your designated driver and meet up back here in twenty minutes.”

The first order of business was for each team to pick a driver. “I think the robot should do it,” Heather suggested. “It'll be useless in the water.”

“We can't trust that thing, man,” Duncan disagreed. “Chris might have control of that thing still and if he does, do you really trust him to get you to the spa hotel in one piece?”

“Duncan has a point,” Cameron said. “I would volunteer, but I'm not strong enough to do that.”

“I'll drive!” Izzy volunteered.

“Nuh, uh, no way, amazon princess,” Jo said sternly. “I saw what you did during that bike challenge in season one. If you're driving, we'll end up in the Yukon.”

“No way,” Izzy promised. “I've been to the Yukon before and it's nothing special. Just a bunch of snow and radio thieves. I'd go somewhere cool, like Brazil.”

“I'm driving,” Jo insisted.

“Yeah, leave the boring part to the girl, and let Lightning do all the dirty work,” Lightning bragged, using the new found (to him, at least) knowledge that Jo's a girl.

“Want to say that again, sha-dingus?”

The Drama Machine beeped and rolled in between them, trying to stop them from fighting. “I don't speak robot,” Zoey started, “but I think it's saying that we're all on the same team, so we can't fight.”

“You did watch season one, right?” Heather asked her.

* * *

Zoey sighed in the confessional. “It's gonna be hard not being on the same team as Mike, but hopefully I can make it to the merge so we can have a real friendship finale. That is, if I don't get eaten alive by everyone else on the Condors. They all take things so seriously.”

* * *

Meanwhile, with the Gophers, Noah sighed at the population of his team. “Well, I'll let you all decide who's driving, because I'm not gonna lug the lunkheads over here around all day.” He motioned towards Brick, Eva, and Geoff.

“You better try, pipsqueak,” Eva threatened.

“We went over this, Eva,” Noah said. “I'll try as hard as you do.”

“I think I should drive,” Scott volunteered. “It's probably for the best that I stay as far away from those sharks as I can.”

“No,” Sierra shot him down. “I watched last season, and you threw every challenge you could. “I'm going to do it, because I definitely won't throw this.”

“If you watched so closely last season, then you know how much I hate sharks,” Scott insisted. “As long as I don't have to dive, I won't have any problems.”

“I wouldn't trust him either,” Chester said, abruptly emerging from Mike. “He's the ninny who got us booted off last season!”

“You do have an outstanding record of treason, soldier,” Brick admitted.

“Ugh, fine! Let Sierra do it, whatever,” Scott finally said.

* * *

I got kind of...distracted last time I played,” Sierra admitted. “But now I don't have Cody to distract me, and this is clearly going to be filled with references to past seasons, so I'll know exactly what to expect.” After she said, this, her face went from confident and smiling to sad and frowning. “I don't...have Cody...” She burst into tears. “Cody!!”

* * *

With that, the teams dispersed to put on their swimwear and let the drivers take their places at the baby carriages. Zoey wasted no time in finding Mike and started talking to him. “Well, this will be an interesting season, don't you think?”

“Yeah, I just hope Chris doesn't keep interrupting me,” Mike said rolling his eyes. “And also, of course, I hope we can both make it to the merge. Then we can team up and have a real friendship finale.”

“That's what I was thinking!” Zoey said excitedly.

“I guess great minds think alike,” Mike said sheepishly.

All of a sudden, Izzy ran up to them and crashed their reunion. “Hey, you're Multiple Mike, right?”

“I, uh, don't know how I feel being called that, but ye--”

“I have multiple personalities too, so we're like, _totally_ on the same wavelength, yanno?” While she said this, she made all sorts of hand gestures that Mike couldn't understand and frankly, he wasn't sure some of them were suitable for TV.

“Well, I don't--”

“You can meet them if you want! There's E-scope, there's Brainzilla, who doesn't talk much anymore, there's Explosivo, and--”

“Izzy, look,” Mike said, putting a hand on her shoulder. “I appreciate it, but what you're talking about isn't really the same thing and I'm actually kind of offended that you're acting like it is.”

Izzy looked unaffected. “So...I'll take that as a 'I wanna meet Explosivo first'?”

Before Mike could respond, Chester came out again and took the wheel. “Take it as a scram!”

Izzy frowned and turned away.

* * *

“I feel kind of bad for what Chester said to Izzy, but you can't pretend to have what I have and call it the same thing. Trust me, if I was playing pretend, I would have 'pretended' to get rid of all of these guys—uh, and gal, years ago.”

* * *

Eva left the changing cabin in her swimsuit and started making her way back to the cliff. Brick caught up with her and tried to strike up a conversation. “Uh, greetings, ma'am.”

“What do you want?” Eva snapped.

“Whoa now, I just wanted to say hello, and maybe make a new friend?”

Eva stopped in her tracks. “Hold it, you...want to be my friend?”

“Well, last year, I didn't really get off to a good start with Jo, and you remind me a lot of her, so I thought maybe this is my second chance to make a friend who shares my interests,” Brick explained.

“I see,” Eva said.

“So...wanna race to the cliff?”

After a moment, Eva's eyes narrowed. “Oh, it is _on_.”

* * *

“I think my need to be large and in charge is what hurt me the most last season,” Brick said. “Besides the bowling ball to the face, that is. But this season, I'm not going to try to be better than Eva or Jo. I'm going to try to get on their good sides so we can make an invincible team. That is, if they have good sides...”

* * *

Heather made her way to the cliff in her swimwear, followed a little too closely by the drama machine. “Ugh, I said stay away from me you tin can! I swear, if this hunk of junk is controlled by Chris or an intern, I'm going to throw him off the cliff instead. Make him find his own dang keys.”

Jo caught up with her and pushed her aside as she ran full out to the beach at the bottom of the cliff. “Move it, old Heather!”

Heather stumbled and nearly fell flat on her butt, but the drama machine broke her fall. “Hey, watch where you're going, newbie!”

* * *

“I don't know what her problem is, but that Jo girl has had it out for me the second I got on this island. She is so going down if she thinks she can out-Heather Heather.”

* * *

Finally, everyone was gathered. Sierra and Jo at the bottom with two baby carriages, and everyone else atop Wawanakwa's signature cliff. “Aw yeah, sha-first, baby!” Lightning gloated.

“You didn't even change into your swimsuit,” Scott accused.

“Yeah, so I could get up here first.”

“It's not a race to the top, doofus,” Duncan shot. “It's a race to find the keys, remember?”

“Psh, of course I remember. I just need to win every victory I can, even the little ones.”

* * *

“That Lightning guy is a total--” Duncan started.

* * *

“Champion!” Lightning finished in his own confessional and for the sake of the show staying on the air.

* * *

Chris descended upon the carriage pushers using his jetpack. “Here are your carts. Radical red for the Condors, and gnarly green for the Gophers. Just so you know.”

“Got it,” Sierra and Jo said at the same time.

He then flew up to the contestants. “Get ready! Because in just a few short moments, those sharks are gonna be tasting teenage behind.”

Scott looked over the cliff to find his dreaded arch-nemesis: Fang. “Oh no! Not Fang!” He started crying.

“Who?” Noah asked, chancing a look over the edge at the mutated shark.

“Who's the best key spotter?” Chris asked. “And who's dead in the shark-infested water? Find out when we return on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

“Places, places,” Chris called. “It's diving time! One diver per team at a time. The next diver must wait until their team's carriage returns.” Chris pulled an air horn out of his pocket. “Ready? Set? Go!” The air horn sounded and Lightning ran confidently towards the cliff.

“Woo hoo! Lightning strikes!”

Brick ran after him, nervous to dive into the water but eager to impress his team. “Here we go!”

Lightning splashed down right on Fang's head, dragging him under the water with him. Brick splashed in right after him, but Lightning surfaced holding a golden, triangle shaped key almost immediately. He jumped into his team's stroller and cheered Jo on. “Let's go unlock the big house!”

Brick came up with a silver, circular key and made his way to Sierra's carriage. “And the condors take the lead,” Chris commentated.

“Let's go, soldier!” Brick commanded. Sierra nodded and they were off to the spa hotel.

Meanwhile, Jo was making an attempt at reasoning with Lightning. “Okay Jockstrap, I know you don't like me, and I definitely don't like you, but we're the strongest players on our team. Let's at least try to stay out of each others way until the merge, alright?”

“Fine,” Lightning agreed. “But then it's every champion for himself.”

“I thought you already knew I'm a girl.”

“Yeah, I said himself because I don't think you're gonna make it.”

“Are you saying we're going to lose even once before then?” Jo accused.

Lightning thought about that, but before he could respond, Jo stopped abruptly in front of the spa hotel, throwing Lightning out of his carriage. “Hey! You did that on purpose.”

“Unlock the door!” Jo yelled.

“Oh, right.” Lightning ran up to the door and stuck the key in, but he couldn't turn it.

“Great, Brightning over here picked the wrong key,” Jo complained. “Quick, jump in the stroller so we can get back to our team.”

And with that, Team Condor was out of there right as Brick and Sierra were pulling up.

“Catch ya later, Brick-for-Brains!” Jo taunted.

Brick leapt out of the carriage and shoved the key into the lock. “Dag nabbit, this one won't fit. Turn around, turn around!”

Meanwhile, at the cliff, Duncan waited eagerly for Jo and Lightning to get back. “Come on, come on.” When he saw them draw near the beach, he dived in and grabbed a key. He narrowly avoided Fang and made it into the carriage as Lightning was jumping out. “Roll out, new girl.”

Brick and Sierra rolled up which was Mike's cue to jump. “This sounds like a job for...” He inhaled deeply and struck a pose. His next words were high pitched and spoken in a Russian accent.

“Svetlana!” She dived off the cliff, landed on Fang's nose with her tippy toes, and slipped into the water. She grabbed a key shaped like a head and jumped out of the water, directly into the basket. “Onward, comrade!”

Sierra gasped at the key Svetlana was holding. “Oh em gee, that key looks just like my Cody-kins!”

“Your what?” Svetlana gasped and became Mike again.

“What? Why aren't we going, Sierra?”

“I wanna keep this key! It looks just like Cody...”

“We need to test it on the lock, Sierra,” Mike said.

“No, I'm not letting Key-Cody out of my sight!”

Mike sighed. “Chris? Can we get someone else to dive? Sierra won't cough up the key.”

Chris shrugged. “It looks like it's too small anyway. So if you can get your next in line to jump, sure.” He pointed at the scene unfolding with the rest of the Gophers. Scott was clinging for dear life to a rock and Geoff and Eva were trying to get him to jump.

“Oh dear..” Mike sighed.

Meanwhile, Jo was still trying to intimidate her team. “Listen up, short pants. I run this team, alright? Get in my way, and I will single-handedly make your life a walking nightmare.”

“Not that I wanna be in charge,” Duncan started, “but don't even try the intimidation route. I've seen the worst juvie has to offer, and you are definitely not on that level.” At this point, they had reached the house. Duncan tried unlocking the door, but the key stuck fast. “No use.”

“Nice job picking the wrong key, Dudcan,” Jo goaded.

“Hey, next time you try diving, huh?” And with that, they were off back to the cliff.

Which was where Scott was still kicking and screaming, begging someone else to take the dive. The drama machine was dangerously close to the cliff for some reason, and Scott's legs were flailing dangerously close to the drama machine. When Jo and Duncan stopped at the beach, one of Scott's legs knocked the robot clear over the edge of the cliff before the Condors could decide who was diving next. The robot beeped frantically as it plummeted into the water below. It splashed down and Heather chuckled.

“So long and good riddance, you creepy bag of bolts.”

Beneath the water, the robot hit the bottom of the water and the sharks latched on, chewing on its every robotic limb. The machine started short circuiting and the sharks nervously stopped chewing on it. The robot exploded, sending lots of shrapnel, three sharks, several dials, and one in tact Alejandro flying everywhere. Alejandro spiraled into the air flawlessly, sporting a toothy grin and a key in one hand.

Everyone on land (except for Chris of course) gasped at Alejandro's appearance, but no one was more shocked than Heather. “You have _got_ to be kidding me.”

* * *

“Oh, great,” Noah said in his first All Stars confessional, “turns out the robot was an eel all along.”

* * *

Alejandro, raggedy with burned clothes, a nearly full beard, bags under his eyes, and limp legs sat on the confessional. “The last thing I remember was being burned to a crisp by the volcano. And that was when Chris sealed me up in that robot suit to 'heal.' Oh, it feels so good to be free after all this time. I must thank Scott sometime for his cowardice, even if he is on the other team.”

* * *

Alejandro landed on the beach and his legs immediately failed him, sending him into a faceplant. “Ow...my legs. They're asleep. Macho girl, carry me.”

Jo grabbed him and tossed him into the stroller before racing toward the spa house. In moments, she was hefting him up again to take him up the front steps, while Scott was still firmly on land. The key fit in the hole as if it was made for it, and when Alejandro turned it, he proved that it was indeed made for it. The door opened and Jo cheered. Chris flew up to the winning combo at the spa house and excitedly declared, “The door is open! The condors win!”

 

Night fell on the island, and in the campfire pit, the seven remaining members of the Generic Gophers gathered. “Welcome to our first elimination ceremony,” Chris said. “Now, with a new peanut gallery, where the winning team can watch the losing team send a sucker home before they get their deluxe dinner at the spa hotel.” Like he said, the Victorious Condors sat in the peanut gallery. Heather was notably not on the same end that Alejandro was.

“Now before we start, I need one Condor to volunteer for a special reward.”

Without hesitation, Lightning slid to a stop in front of Chris. “Sha-Lightning!”

“Awesome,” Chris smiled. “Your reward is spending the night in exile on Boney Island!”

“What? How is that a reward? That's not how you reward your star player,” Lightning complained.

“Because there's a McLean invincibility statue hidden somewhere on Boney Island. Just like last season, if you find it, you're safe from one, count it, one elimination.” With that, Chef escorted Lightning away. “Now, this year, you're going to vote for who goes home by placing an X on the eight-by-ten photo of the person you want to eliminate. Now get voting.”

* * *

Sierra sat in the confessional with a red pen and a picture. “I'm voting for Scott. He purposefully lost us the challenge, just like in season four. I knew you can't teach old dogs new tricks.”

* * *

Scott marked off a picture before showing it to the camera. “I'm voting for Sierra. She kept a key and stopped us from being able to keep playing. That girl ain't right, I tell you.”

* * *

Chris held aloft a plate with six marshmallows on it. “Now you know the drill. I hold on this plate six marshmallows. The one of you who does not receive one is going home. And you can never come back. E _ver_. The following people are safe: Brick, Mike, Geoff, Eva, and Noah.” Once the treats were passed out, Sierra and Scott were left staring at the lone marshmallow on Chris' plate. “Sierra. You held the team up when you found a key shaped like Cody.”

“It was cute, okay?” Sierra sighed dramatically.

“Scott. You cost your team the victory by freeing Alejandro from his robotic prison...I mean cast. With a history of throwing challenges, that's not a good thing to start the season with.”

Scott gulped. “There were sharks!”

“And the final marshmallow goes to...”

Scott and Sierra looked at each other nervously. “Sierra.” Sierra caught her marshmallow and squealed in excitement.

“Yay! I did it I did it!”

“What?” Scott asked, standing up and throwing his hands up in frustration. “Why me?”

“You know why, challenge thrower,” Sierra snapped.

Scott fell to his knees in front of Chris. “Please don't make me ride the catapult thingy.”

“Don't worry, you have a safer way home this time,” Chris assured him. “Time to check under that tarp from the beginning of the episode.”

Moments later, Scott sat in the middle of a giant, dirty toilet bowl and Chris and the rest of his team stood on the dock.

“Behold,” Chris said. “The flush of shame.”

“Ick, this is hardly better...” Scott grumbled.

“Hey, I could be throwing Fang in there with ya. Instead, it'll just be Sam.”

Sam jumped in the toilet next to Scott and settled in. “Hey there flush buddy. Heheh.”

“Don't cross the streams, you two,” Chris teased. “Time to say goodbye.”

“Are you sure about this, Sam?” Mike asked.

“Yeah, I don't need a million dollars if there's no mutants involved,” Sam shrugged. “Besides, I'm on the final level of Samurai Princess 13, and I'd hate to have Chris take it away from me at this point. I'm just getting to the part where Samurai Princess faces off against Laser Ninja.”

“Scott, any last words?”

“This would have ended different if you would have let me drive!” Scott tried to yell, but Chris pressing a red button flushed the toilet, and the rest of Scott's sentence out with water. The flush caused a wave to wash over everyone on the dock except Chris, who brought an umbrella.

“I sure hope those two at the same time don't clog it,” Chef said.

“It wouldn't do that in the first episode of the season. This baby's brand new.”

“Then why is it already dirty?” Geoff asked.

Chris thought for a moment. “Maybe the yeti got to it. I'm not sure.”

The gophers let out a resounding “ew.”

“Who will be flushed into the history books next? Find out on the next episode of Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	2. Evil Dread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The teams go digging for buried treasure. One team wins, one team loses, and both teams suffer massive injuries.

“Last time on Total Drama: I welcomed the all stars to the newly decontaminated island. Then it was the veteran condors against the not-so-great gophers diving into shark infested waters in search of the one key that would unlock the McLean spa hotel for winners _only_. Thanks to Scott's cowardly fear of sharks, we learned that in every robot beats the heart of a Spaniard. In this case, Alejandro. And, while he may not hold the key to Heather's heart anymore, he did hold the key to the spa hotel, and victory for the Victorious Condors. And the Generic Gophers bid farewell to Scott and Sam via our newest and most humiliating commode of transportation: the flush of shame. Who will be next to pop through the pooper? Find out right now on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Mike lay in his bed in the loser cabin, sleeping while all of his personalities mumbled to each other. “I have a bad feeling about all this,” Chester insisted.

“Oh please,” Svetlana dismissed. “Mike's a strong boy and he won't let that happen again after all these years.”

“I dunno, yo,” Vito said. “This thing is older than all of us. And if things keep going like this, he might take control again.”

“Hush ya dingos,” Manitoba said quickly. “Mikey's waking up.”

Mike shot out of bed, confused. “Huh, did someone say something?” He looked around at Brick, Geoff and Noah sleeping in their own beds peacefully. “Hm. Guess not...”

* * *

 

“Normally, I'm not very good at remembering what my other personalities do,” Mike explained. “But when I wake up again, I usually remember the last thoughts of whoever was in control before me. Today, I woke up remembering Manitoba telling everyone else to shut up because I was waking up. I can tell it was Manitoba because even his thoughts are in that bad accent. Are they hiding something from me? What could the four of them possibly be able to hide?”

* * *

 

Meanwhile, in the girl's cabin, Sierra typed away on her smart phone and sighed. “I wish I was bunking with someone people actually liked. My followers would love a nightly Izzy update.”

Eva sat up in bed. “Are you saying people don't like me?”

“Well, people do, but statistically, you're the only person to ever be on Total Drama to only have two blogs dedicated solely to you. Even Manitoba Smith has at least three.”

Eva shook her head. “Well I don't need fans. Fans don't win you a million dollars, muscles do.”

All of a sudden, Chef's voice sounded from the other side of the cabin door. “Room service, suckers.” A bucket of slop crashed through the door and landed upside down, sending the weird brown stuff splashing everywhere and covering the girls in the barely edible dirt.

“Augh, what's wrong with you?” Eva roared.

“Here's breakfast,” he chuckled before moving on to do the same to the boy's side of the cabin.

“Thanks, Chef,” Sierra called.

“If we don't win this next challenge and get into that spa hotel, I'm going to do take Chris' face and do the same thing the bucket did to the door,” Eva said, wiping herself off.

Sierra, meanwhile, started munching on the slop, garnering a weird look from Eva. “Total Drama blogging sure does build up an appetite.”

Meanwhile in the spa hotel, Cameron, Zoey, and Izzy sat at a big, luxurious table eating various, well cooked breakfast foods. Cameron shivered nervously in response to Izzy being sat right next to him. “This place is fantastic!” Zoey said. “I got up at five AM to watch the releasing of the doves, and it was beautiful.”

Duncan walked to the table with a plate of pancakes and nodded. “Yeah, this is the life, and if we keep winning challenges, we can live like kings all season.”

“Winning challenges is great and all, but there's a downside to being the best players here,” Jo said, placing her stake of steaks on the table. “I'm worried that Lightning found the invincibility statue. If we don't vote him off soon, he'll be too strong for us to fight later.”

Meanwhile on Boney Island, Lightning stood atop a rock, staring down at a stream and holding a stick in his hand. A fish jumped out of the water and he batted it to the riverbank with the stick. “Ha ha, fish. You've been struck by Lightning.” A goose landed on the bank and snapped the fish up in its beak. “Oh no you don't,” Lightning snapped as he jumped onto land and yanked the fish out of the goose's mouth. “Get your own fish.” He wolfed down the fish and instantly regretted it. “Sha-dang, that fishie is moving upstream...” He groaned before vomiting into the nearest bush.

“So you're saying we should vote him off as soon as possible,” Cameron said.

“You're not going to suggest pulling a Scott, are you?” Zoey asked suspiciously.

“Pft, and give up all this? As if,” Jo said, stabbing at her steak.

“Yeah, if those gophers want this place, they'll have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands,” Duncan agreed.

Deeper into the spa, Heather glared at Alejandro, laying face down on the massage table as an intern turned masseuse was working his legs. “Stop hogging the masseuse,” Heather said.

Alejandro sighed dramatically. “I'm sure her hands are magical. If only my legs could feel them.”

“Seriously? Your legs are still asleep?”

“I don't know if they'll ever wake up, to be honest,” Alejandro explained, lifting his head and revealing the sticky paper on his forehead. “I was squashed into that robot suit for an entire year. Which you would have known, had you ever texted!”

“It's not like _you_ ever texted _me_ ,” Heather shot. “...Wait, are you getting your eyebrows waxed?”

“It's not waxing, it's manscaping,” Alejandro said. “And as such, it is very manly. And by the way, I didn't text you because I was _trapped in a robot suit!_ ”

“Whatever,” Heather said, snatching the wax paper off his eyebrows, soliciting a pained scream.

* * *

 

“Oh please, this 'my legs are asleep thing' is totally an act. He just wants sympathy, and I'm not falling for him. I mean, it! I'm not falling for it.”

* * *

 

“I've never found Heather to be more radiant,” Alejandro sighed dreamily. “Her glossy locks, her perma-frown, the way the hair on her upper lip catches the light when she yells at me... Keep in mind, I was separated from her by a robot suit for a year.”

* * *

 

Chris' voice emanated from the loudspeakers. “Attention campers: it's challenge time! Get your butts down to the beach, pronto.”

In the spa hotel, Heather raised an eye at Alejandro. “Shall I fetch the baby carriage?” In response, Alejandro wordlessly got down from the table and walked away on his hands. “Show off!”

Later at the beach, the two teams were assembled on platforms, surrounded by two distinct patches of sand, roped off based on team. Before Chris started explaining the day's events, a boat pulled up with Lightning riding in the back. Lightning jumped straight from the boat to his team's platform and struck a pose. “Any luck finding the statue?” Duncan asked.

“I don't even need it,” Lightning gloated. “I _am_ an invincibility statue.”

* * *

 

“He is so arrogant,” Alejandro complained. “He reminds me of me back in season three...but with less good looks.”

* * *

 

“Arrogant?” Lightning said from his own confessional. “Can you blame me? I mean, look at me. Sha-yeah!”

* * *

 

“Bonjour, campers!” Chris greeted. “I think this is a good time to give a shout out to the intern driving the Boney Island express this year.” Everyone looked to the boat and gasped at its driver. “Everyone say hello to Gwen.”

“Gwen?” Duncan said. “Hey babe! How's it hanging?” He started to step off his platform, but Chris stopped him.

“Whoa there, casanova. I wouldn't do that if I were you.”

“Why not?”

“You'll see. Some of you may recall season three's Parisian 'find and build a sculpture' debacle. Well this time, our interns have buried 3-D puzzle pieces all over the beach with seven pieces per team. Find all your pieces and assemble them on your platform to recreate one of the landmarks visited on our world tour. First to finish wins.”

“Oh, I hope our team's landmark is Cody's face,” Sierra said with glee.

“Since the Victorious Condors won the last challenge, they get to dig with shovels. Incoming!” From the boat, Gwen tossed eight shovels at the Condors. Most of them landed at the competitors' feet, but one smacked Duncan in the face, and another sent Cameron careening off the platform. He seemed to have landed on solid sand, but within seconds, it caved in to reveal a small moat around the condor's platform. “Oh yeah, and getting on and off your platforms will be challenging, due to the moats that are filled with--”

“Crustaceans!” Cameron screeched as snapping sounds started up in the moat. “Help!” Zoey lowered her shovel to let him grab it and pulled him up with it. He shooed off a crab and panted. “Thanks, Zoey.”

“No big thing for Light-o-ning,” Lightning declared. He jumped clear over the moat and onto solid sand. A wooden board sprang up from the sand and smacked him into the moat, where the snapping started again.

“And you might wanna watch out for booby traps in the sand.”

“So what are _we_ supposed to dig with, huh?” Noah asked.

“Sorry, but shovels are for winners only,” Chris explained. “Guess you'll have to use your hands.”

“Of course,” Noah groaned.

“Your challenge starts now!” Chris blew an air horn and the teams got to digging.

“I don't even need a shovel,” Izzy said, tossing hers to the side. “I lived with prarie dogs back in season two and I can dig with the best of them. Watch this, Cameron.” She dove off the platform and dug into the ground with ease.

* * *

 

“I've been scared of Izzy since the horror challenge last year,” Cameron explained. “And now I know I can't even hide from her underground. That doesn't help.”

* * *

 

“I was going to suggest splitting up the beach into sectors so we can all cover a different area,” Zoey said. “But...”

“Nobody's listening to you, weird girl,” Heather said as she jumped off the ledge.

“You need to listen to _me_ ,” Jo called. “We need to start at one end and dig to the other in a straight line.”

“And what if the pieces are at the far end?” Heather spat. “We need two lines that push in toward the center. Right?”

“Ain't no one telling Lightning where to dig,” Lightning declared as he ran straight into the water. He dug up several loads of water and flung them backwards.

Izzy surfaced and giggled at Lightning. “That's a great idea, but sand is so much more fun.”

* * *

 

“I can't believe that guy made it to the finale,” Duncan said. “Does he ever sha-shut up?”

* * *

 

Brick dug frantically for a puzzle piece, but instead found a small explosion of clothes.

“Oh, Chef's dirty laundry,” Chris called. “Stinky!”

“This is closer to Chef than I've ever wanted to be,” Brick said wiping away a dirty undergarment.

“Wait, I've got an idea,” Noah called. “Geoff, let me borrow your hat.”

“Why?” Geoff asked. “Are we going to dig with it? I've tried digging with a hat before, and it doesn't really work.”

“We're not gonna dig with it, Mike is.” Noah took the hat and plopped it down on Mike's head, shouting “treasure hunt!”

Mike gasped and stood up straight, now Manitoba. He windmilled his arms and dived into the dirt with more grace than Izzy did earlier and Noah breathed a sigh of relief.

“Whew, I was almost thinking it wouldn't work with a hat that isn't a fedora. Looks like that guy's too dumb to tell the difference.”

Within seconds, Manitoba emerged, holding aloft a big stone slab. “'ello, beauty,” He declared before tossing it onto the platform.”

“Okay,” Heather reasoned, “We'll move in a circular motion toward the center.”

“No!” Jo said. “We start at the corners and move our way to the center and zigzag.”

“Some team we are...” Zoey said.

“Exactly,” Heather replied. “A team without a leader is like a horse without a head. It just runs around blind.”

“I'm pretty sure a horse without a head doesn't run anywhere,” Cameron interjected.

“Which is why I should be the team captain,” Jo declared. “Thanks, Stringbean.”

“No, I should,” Heather said.

“Let's let the team decide,” Jo said. The two separated to get team members to agree with them and Zoey sighed.

“Looks like they won't be any help,” she said to Cameron.

“We can do it, Zoey,” He replied. “They wouldn't help that much anyway.”

“Attention team!” Jo declared. “I am your leader.”

“No, I am,” Heather insisted. She stuck her shovel straight into the sand and heard a clank. “...I found a piece,” she said in awe. She dug it up and made her way to the platform.

“You wouldn't have found it without me,” Jo said, trying to snatch it from her. They fought over it for a minute before Heather dropped it on Jo's foot. Jo yelled in agony and Heather shrugged.

“Oops, sorry,” She said, turning to walk away. Furious, Jo shoved her into the moat, letting the crabs get to her.

“Two booby traps, two puzzle pieces, and two deliciously evil moats,” Chris said. “It's still anyone's game, but not for long. Right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

“An hour has passed and the teams are still tied at one all,” Chris whispered. “Which raises a pertinent question: _What is taking so long?_ ” Chris yelled the last part and the response he got was mostly excuses from everyone involved and one self confident brag from Lightning. “Blah blah blah, whine whine, hurry it up! I have dinner plans.”

Duncan hefted a huge second puzzle piece on his shovel and threw it onto the platform. “Got one.”

Manitoba approached Noah, who was struggling with lifting a piece and flashed a toothy grin. “Don't worry, mate, I got this one.” He lifted the piece for Noah and threw it onto the platform.

“I was getting it just fine,” Noah lied. He crossed his arms and walked away, but he didn't make it far before a cannon rose from the sand and fired a boxing glove, which hit him square in the crotch and sent him tumbling into the crab-infested moat. “Ow!”

Zoey picked up a piece and made her way to the platform, accidentally triggering a trap that tossed a pile of sand into Izzy's hole. Izzy popped up out of her hole disoriented and sporting a weird, round gray thing in her hair. “Huh? Did someone need something?” She asked groggily.

“Were you...sleeping down there?” Alejandro, who was nearby and struggling to dig without being able to stand on his feet, asked.

“In the middle of a challenge?” Lightning added, furious.

“Hey, relax guys,” Izzy said. “It was just a little Izzy nap.”

“An Izzy nap?” Alejandro asked.

“It's like a cat nap but for Izzy.”

Alejandro and Lightning rolled their eyes, and nearby, Jo plucked a piece from the ground. “Finally!”

“Check it out, guys,” Geoff called to his team. “I found another--” Just then, a wooden pole erupted from the ground and lifted him by his kiwis. “One...” He finished in a high tone.

“Nuts?” Chris offered Chef a bowl of peanuts.

Lightning lifted a pointy piece out of the ground. “Sha-bingo! Lightning strikes again.” He tossed it behind him, confident it would land on the platform, but it bonked the back of Jo's head and sent her sprawling into the moat.

Manitoba dropped a head-shaped piece onto the platform and wiped his hands. “Piece o' cake.”

“You're much cooler in person than on TV,” Sierra admired.

“Why thanks, sheila,” Manitoba replied with a wink. Sierra swooned right there onto the sand. “...Oops.”

Heather stuck her shovel into the sand near the border and was greeted by a fountain dousing her in water. Chris and Chef fistbumped at her misery while Lightning hefted two more pieces onto the platform.

Cameron abandoned a hole he had been digging and tried a new one. This patch of sand had a huge wooden plate on a spring under it, which catapulted him into gopher territory. Manitoba saw him coming, but only had time to shout “look out!” before being taken to the ground by the little flying boy, leaving Geoff's hat spinning in the air. They slid in the sand until they banged into another piece, landing in a spray of sand.

“Oof,” Cameron got up, rubbing his head. “Sorry Mike. Are you okay?”

Mike sat up and rubbed the back of his head. “Not really, but you helped me find a piece.” He gestured behind him at the puzzle piece that stopped them. “Thanks—ow, for that, I guess.”

“Oh, no problem,” Cameron smiled. Then he realized he was on the opposing team and he covered his mouth before running back to his team with a red face.

Mike weakly called that he found one before passing out, and moments later, he woke up to the cool breeze of Geoff fanning him with his hat. “Hey, you okay man? You bit it really hard.”

Mike frowned and waved him off. “Get away, why do you care?” He snapped, his voice raspy and deeper than usual.

“Whoa man,” Geoff said, backing off. “I was just trying to help.”

Mike scoffed and sat up. “Sure, okay.” He gasped and shook his head.

“Wait, what? What happened?” Mike asked, his voice back to normal.

“You got really nasty there, dude,” Geoff said. “Are you sure you're okay?”

Mike looked at him confused. “I'm sorry, I must have blacked out.” Geoff offered his hand and helped him up.

“Well, I'm glad you're okay now, buddy,”

“Thanks, Geoff. Hey, can Manitoba use your hat again?”

“Sure thing, dude,” Geoff placed his hat on Mike's head and Mike resumed his Manitoba personality again, only instead of an air of confidence, Manitoba was giving the impression of someone who just got seriously spooked.

“What happened? I'm okay, right?”

“You're fine,” Geoff assured him. “You just hit your head real hard. I understand if that rattled you. Now let's get back to digging, okay?”

“Right,” Manitoba nodded.

Meanwhile, Alejandro, laying on his stomach above a hole, lifted up a puzzle piece. Heather was watching this and saw his leg twitch as he did this. “Aha! I knew he was faking it.” Right after she said it, a crab crawled out from beneath Alejandro's leg, revealing the reason his leg was twitching. “...Oh.” The crab snapped at Alejandro, taking his ankle in a firm grasp, but Alejandro was completely unfazed.

“Hey, Leggy McLatin,” Jo said, “Nice accessory.”

“Leggy McLatin,” Duncan laughed. “Nice one.”

“Thanks,” Jo said, taken aback.

Alejandro simply took his shovel and smacked the crab away.

* * *

 

“His legs are really asleep?” Heather scoffed. “Great. Now I feel awful.”

* * *

 

“It took all I had to hold in that scream until no one was looking,” Alejandro revealed. He stood up and shook his hips. “Cha cha cha, surprise!”

* * *

 

Brick hauled a piece to the platform and looked down a super deep hole. “Uh, Sierra? What are you doing all the way down there, soldier?”

“Sorry, I guess I got carried away,” Sierra called. “I was pretending to be Manitoba.” She jumped from the bottom of the hole to the surface. “How many pieces do we have now?”

Brick counted the pieces on the podium and the one in his hand. “Looks like six out of seven.”

“You guys start working on the puzzle,” Manitoba said. “Me and buff sheila here will keep digging,” He continued, referring to Eva.

He tried to dig like he did before, but his arms just weren't windmilling like they were before. “Strange... I seem to have lost my mojo. Maybe someone else should dig.”

“No, it has to be you,” Sierra encouraged. “You're just so good at it.”

“You're right. I can do it just fine.” Manitoba went back to trying to dig, but he did it very slowly.

“Is it just me, or is he digging about as fast as he would if he were Mike?” Noah asked.

“Less talking, more building,” Brick said.

“Leave this to me,” Noah said. “I'm an expert at puzzles. Especially when my lab isn't around to run all over it.”

“Do you do puzzles on the ground or something?” Geoff asked. “Because a dog running on a puzzle doesn't seem like it would be a problem otherwise.”

“I do it with my little cousins, okay?” Noah defended. He picked up the head-shaped piece and another one shaped like a book. “This is obviously the Statue of Liberty.”

Lightning held a piece high above his head. “That's seven. Let's start sha-building.” Everyone from the Condors except Izzy convened on the platform and stared at the pieces.

A lot of arguing went on about what pieces to put where and Cameron sighed before quietly starting to put it together correctly. Cameron put together what seemed to be all the pieces and everyone started trying to figure out what it was. It was a tall tower with a blank hole near the top. “It's tall,” Zoey contemplated. “And boxy. Like a tower. Oh! Big Ben!”

Meanwhile, Noah had just put on the last piece he had to form a mostly rebuilt statue. “One more piece. Hurry it up, you two!”

“I'm digging as fast as I can, ya dingoes,” Manitoba whined. “Forgive me if I'm a tad-bit frazzled, will ya?”

“What's your deal?” Eva asked.

“I don't know!”

“Here's a hint, it's a torch, now go!” Noah snapped.

“What's with the big hole?” Heather asked.

“Did we put it together wrong?” Duncan asked.

“Cameron's the one who did everything,” Zoey said.

“Oh come on,” Lightning huffed. “Just get it sha-done.” He snapped up a crab from the moat and shoved it into the hole, sending the tower toppling down.

“Way to go, Liability,” Jo snapped.

“It's not my fault Cameron put it together wrong,” Lightning yelled, pointing at Cameron.

“I thought I did it right...” Cameron said, contemplating the pieces. “Hold on, there are only six pieces!”

Lightning's eyes widened while Jo sighed theatrically. “Great, so Lightning miscounted.” She picked up her shovel. “Come on everyone, we've still got digging to do.”

“I counted seven,” Lightning insisted. “This is a conspiracy.”

“Yeah,” Heather sassed. “A conspiracy of bad counting.”

Izzy finally seemed to become aware of the round thing in her hair. “Oh right, does everyone like my new hairpiece? I found it in the sand.” She showed it off and spun with it, sending it crashing into the sand. “It's a little heavy and it makes my head off balanced, but isn't it pretty?”

“Wait, let me see that,” Duncan said, taking the round thing. He saw that it had the face of a clock on it. “This is the last piece! How long have you had this?”

“Since my Izzy nap.”

Meanwhile, Manitoba punched a hard stone block while he was trying to dig. “Ouch! ...Hey, I found the torch!” Eva rushed to where he was, grabbed the torch, and threw it at Noah. Brick intercepted it and placed it on the statue, finishing the puzzle.

“The Generic Gophers win!” Chris declared.

“Aw man,” Duncan said. Izzy snatched the clock face from him and put it back in her hair.

“Finders keepers. This is my hair piece.”

“Spa hotel, spa hotel!” Sierra and Mike (who had given Geoff's hat back and was now indeed Mike again) chanted.

“Ahem,” Chris said. “I still need an exile for Boney Island.”

“I'll do it,” Brick volunteered. “My years of wilderness survival training are finally gonna come in handy.” Chef grabbed him by the collar and tossed him into the boat.

“See ya babe,” Duncan yelled to Gwen as she drove Brick away. “I'll see you when we win the next challenge, alright?” All of a sudden, he was hit by the stone clock and fell to the ground while Izzy laughed maniacally.

* * *

 

“I can't believe Chris is making me go to the confessional,” Gwen huffed. “Look, I didn't want to compete, but I wanted to come back to make things right with Courtney, so I signed up to be an intern. Lo and behold, when I finally convince Chris to let me come on, I figure out Courtney isn't even coming back! So now I'm driving the frickin' boat to Boney Island and back for no good reason. Have you ever taken a boat ride with Lightning? Don't do it. The guy only talks about himself!”

* * *

 

That night, the losers gathered around the fire pit and the gophers watched safely from the peanut gallery. “Welcome Gophers,” Chris said. “Sit back and enjoy the show. Condors, it's time for you to vote off your first camper.”

All of a sudden, Mike laughed evilly to himself. “They will all fall!” He cackled in that raspy voice he assumed earlier.

“Did you say something?” Sierra asked.

Mike gasped. “What? What are you talking about?”

* * *

 

“Lightning didn't count the pieces right,” Duncan mused, “But Izzy wore the last piece. Tough call as to who cost us the challenge.”

* * *

 

“Lightning is getting on my last nerve,” Jo said. “He's going home.

* * *

 

“I'm still terrified of Izzy,” Cameron explained. “So I'm going to vote for her, because I can't live with the knowledge that she could pounce on me at any moment.”

* * *

 

“The following players are safe for another day,” Chris announced. “Jo, Heather, Alejandro, Duncan, Zoey, and Cameron.” The marshmallows were thrown and left only Izzy and Lightning snack-less. “Lightning, you're on the chopping block because of your crummy math skills. And Izzy, you're on the block for keeping a piece from your team and causing them the game.”

“And knocking me out with it,” Duncan said coldly, nursing a black eye.

“And the final marshmallow goes to...” Chris left it hanging long enough for Lightning to break a sweat and for Izzy to zone out. “Lightning! You're safe, bud.”

“Sha-score!” Lightning declared as he caught his marshmallow.

Moments later, Izzy sat in the toilet, adjusting her hair piece. “Is this a carnival ride? Am I tall enough to go on it?”

“Everyone's tall enough for the flush of shame,” Chris said.

“Oh right, since I'm leaving, I figured I'd leave this here,” Izzy said. She plucked the clock face from her hair and tossed it to Duncan, who caught it with his face again. “Bye guys!” And with that, Izzy spun down the drain.

“Who else is in line for a porcelain goodbye? Find out next time on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	3. Saving Private Leechball

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all out war on Camp Wawanakwa, but will the Condors be able to stop fighting each other long enough to beat the Gophers?

“Last time on Total Drama All Stars: Our condors and gophers went digging for buried treasure and uncovered some nasty surprises. Cameron discovered that all it takes to fly is a little determination—and a giant wooden booby trap. And Mike learned that puzzle pieces really hurt when you hit them at maximum velocity. Ouch! Lightning, after a night of exile on Boney Island, made enough boney headed moves to get put on the chopping block, but in the end, the gophers were victorious and Izzy, who spent the whole challenge napping and accessorizing, got the royal flush from her teammates. Thirteen competitors remain. Which one of them will ride the sewer system next? Find out right now on Total. Drama. All Stars!

* * *

 

“Ugh, I'd almost forgotten about these craptastic cabins,” Duncan groaned, trying to get comfortable on a bunk in the loser cabin.

“Let us hope it is our only stay,” Alejandro replied from a light blue sleeping bag.

“This is not how you treat your star player,” Lightning grumbled, refusing to lay down in a bed. “I am _not_ sleeping in that.”

“If you're such a star player, then why are you one of the reasons we're in here?” Duncan shot.

“At least I did something,” Lightning said.

“We all participated in that challenge,” Alejandro explained. “You're the only one who screwed anything up. We should make you sleep in one of those trenches on the beach.”

“Guys, let's not fight,” Cameron pleaded. “If we keep this up, we'll just keep losing like this because we can't get along.”

“You stay out of this,” Lightning said, pushing Cameron onto one of the beds. Cameron falling onto the bed caused the top bunk to collapse on him.

“Ow...There are way too many nails in here for a regular bunk bed...” Cameron whined.

* * *

 

“On the one hand, four-eyes has got a point,” Duncan mused. “But on the other, I can't stand him or Lightning and Alejandro's just plain evil. And that's before you consider Heather and Miss Bootcamp.”

* * *

 

“Well, goodnight gentlemen,” Alejandro said. He zipped up his sleeping bag and sighed happily.

* * *

 

“After a year in the robot suit, I find it very difficult to sleep if I'm all spread out.”

* * *

 

Meanwhile, things weren't going much better in the girl's side of the cabin. “Thanks for blowing the last challenge, Jo,” Heather snapped.

“Me? You're the one who wasted time arguing instead of digging.”

“I wouldn't have needed to argue if everyone had done what I told them to do,” Heather explained. “I'm the one with the most experience on this team.”

From her bed, Zoey shook her head. “It's everyone's fault for not working as a team. We need to stop trying to pick a team leader and start actually being a team. Now go to sleep or we'll lose again tomorrow.”

“As if,” Jo scoffed. “Those gophers are gonna have to pry victory out of my cold dead hands.”

* * *

 

“I am so on the wrong team,” Zoey sighed. “This would be so much easier if Heather and Jo weren't so obsessed with which one of them is better.”

* * *

 

In the spa hotel, Sierra tucked in her phone. “There you go, Cody-bear. Today was a big day and you've got another long day of blogging ahead of you tomorrow, so get lots of rest.”

“You're talking to your phone again,” Eva said flatly.

“He gets lonesome if you don't talk to him every once in a while,” Sierra explained, curling up at the foot of the bed.

* * *

 

“I thought my anger management classes were working, but bunking with Stalker McCrazy is driving me insane,” Eva growled. “No amount of therapy can prepare you for that monstrosity.”

* * *

 

Geoff jumped into a bed on the boys' side of the hotel and sighed happily. “Oh man, this is the life.”

“Yeah,” Mike agreed. “I wish Brick were here to see this,” He said, motioning towards Brick's bag.

“How do you think the lunkhead's doing on Murder-Death Island?” Noah asked.

“Have you seen the dude?” Geoff asked. “Guy's totally ripped. He'll do fine.”

Back on Boney Island, Brick sat in a tree branch, waving a stick down below him. “I come in peace, bears,” He shouted. “I'm not here to hurt you.” The bears below weren't listening and started scratching at the bark. “Oh dear...” He looked behind him and saw a squirrel peeking out from a hole in the tree. “Oh, hey little guy. How are yo--” The squirrel threw a nut at his face, which caused him to lose his balance and fall, screaming out of the tree.

The next morning, the gophers were eating a luxurious meal served by familiar looking butlers. “Maple bacon?” Mike said, munching sloppily on said food. “This is great! Let's never lose again.”

“It's not all perfect,” Eva scoffed. “Butler! I've got a problem. This juice is too pulpy. I thought you were supposed to cater to our every--” Before she could finish her sentence, the butler handed her a new glass of orange juice. “...That was fast, but I'm sure it won't be...” She took a sip and her eyes widened. “Perfect!” She said, taken aback.

“Attention campers,” Chris voice blared over the loudspeakers. “Forest recon in five. Over.”

Moments later, all the campers were walking through the woods, confused as to where they were supposed to be headed. “Look, I'm sorry if we kept you up with our bickering last night,” Heather said to Zoey. “I've realized you're right. Teamwork is key. So, apology accepted?”

“Wow, really?” Zoey asked. Heather held out her hand and nodded. “Sure,” Zoey took Heather's hand and shook it.

* * *

 

“Teamwork? Don't make me barf,” Heather said. “I'm still gonna take control.”

* * *

 

Immediately after Heather walked ahead of Zoey, Jo came up to her. “Okay, you were totally right,” She said. “Teamwork is the way. Truce?” She held out her hand for a fist bump.

“Uh, sure, I guess,” Zoey said, obliging to Jo's fist bump.

* * *

 

“And getting Zoey on my side is the best way to do it,” Jo said, finishing the same thing Heather was saying earlier.

* * *

 

“Because where Zoey goes...”

* * *

 

“Mike follows.” Jo clenched a fist. “Having cross-team alliances goes a long way.”

* * *

 

“I think Jo and Heather are trying to play me,” Zoey said. “Or maybe they mean it...They're definitely playing me.”

* * *

 

Mike stared ahead, glaring at nothing. “Hey dude, are you okay?” Geoff asked. “That's a wicked stare you got goin' there.”

Mike shook his head and looked at Geoff confused. “What? Was I frowning? Sorry, I guess.”

“No probs, man.” Geoff assured him.

“I wonder what kind of challenge Lightning is gonna rock at this time,” Lightning mused as he stared at his flexed muscles in awe. “If it's a hottest guy competition, I've got it in the bag. Sha-Lightning!”

Jo rolled her eyes. “How about you actually try to win this one, Sha-doofus?”

“How about you lay off the Lightning?”

“Now now, ladies,” Alejandro said. “You're both very pretty.”

* * *

 

“Heather and Jo are trying to lure Zoey into an alliance. I don't think I can beat them to it, because she has that Mike fellow and wouldn't appreciate my kind of advances. Maybe I can convince Lightning to be on my side. If I have the most athletic person here on my team, then _I'll_ be the one Heather needs. Um, and Jo. Heather and Jo. Heh...”

* * *

 

Finally, the campers reached Chris, wearing shades and a round, green helmet in the middle of a clearing in the forest. “At ease, soldiers. Let's all welcome back exiled gopher: Brick.” As he said this, Chef pulled up in a small jeep with a beaten and bruised Brick riding shotgun.

“Hey Brick,” Mike greeted.

“Is that you grand pappy?” Brick asked in a daze. Chef shoved him out of the jeep and he landed face first and continued babbling after spitting out a mouthful of dirt. “I'm sorry grand pappy, I forgot to buy your spam. But I did find this neat stick.” As he said this, he produced a stick from somewhere on his person and waved it around gleefully. “Whoosh.”

Geoff helped him up and patted some dirt off him. “You okay, dude?”

Brick shook his head and came to his senses. “What? Oh, of course I'm fine. It takes more than a measly bear attack and blinding hunger to keep Brick McArthur down.”

“Don't worry buddy,” Mike said. “I smuggled some food out for you.” He pulled some bacon out of his pocket and handed it to Brick.

“Gee, thanks soldier,” Brick said, taking it and gleefully chowing down.

“Seriously, just call me Mi--”

“Welcome to today's experiment with your pain thresholds,” Chris said, cutting Mike off and earning an unamused look from the beanpole. “Get ready for an ingenious twist on the war movie challenge from season 2. There are two weapon caches in the heart of this forest. The big one is filled with state of the art paintball weaponry and the little one is filled with cruddy old paintball slingshots. Whoever gets there first gets their pick and then you've got to pick off the competition. You get one point for each opponent you splatter. First team to splatter all of their opponents wins and one loser will get a dishonorable discharge tonight, flush-o-shame style.”

“Paintball again?” Duncan asked.

“Hey wait, who was really good at paintball that we _voted out last episode?_ ” Heather spat. Duncan cringed.

“Hey, she hit me in the face with that thing like, three times!”

“About that...” Chris said. “One of the conditions of my parole is that I can't use or be around hard projectiles like paintballs, so instead, you'll be using leeches!” Everyone groaned in disgust when Chef pulled a leech out from a bucket stashed in the back of his jeep.

* * *

 

“Leeches?” Heather said in disgust. “That jerk is really making us earn the million dollars this year.”

* * *

 

“As winners of yesterday's challenge, the gophers get a one minute head start.” Chef held up a small purple paintball gun from behind him. “Ready? Set?” Chef fired a leech into the air to signal that the gophers should go, and as they raced off, the leech landed right in between Duncan's eyebrows.

“Psh, head start my behind,” Lightning laughed. “I can outrun those gophers even with a five minute head start.”

“It's too bad Duncan voted off the one of us who was really really good at paintball,” Heather reiterated.

“Can you get off my case already?” Duncan cried. “I'm not the only one who voted for her, alright?”

“Guys, please stop fighting,” Zoey pleaded.

Heather sighed. “You're right,” She said, forcing a smile.

“We may not need Izzy,” Alejandro said. “With the combination of Lightning's superior athleticism and Jo's remarkable cunning, along with Heather's sharp wit, we can outrun, outgun, and outsmart them with ease.”

* * *

 

“He's laying the charm on pretty thick,” Jo nodded. “And while I'm not against hearing good things about myself, I'm not gonna fall for it anytime soon.”

* * *

 

Brick was reinvigorated by the bacon and a military-based challenge, so he lead the gophers as they ran through the woods. “Right this way, soldiers. With my military training and Eva's athletic guts, we'll wipe the floor with them.”

“Brick's so much smarter in person,” Sierra said to Noah excitedly.

“You call that smart?” Noah retorted. “I could do long division before fifth grade. The only thing this guy excels at is long unibrows.”

Back at the starting point, Chris' watch counted down from five. “Condors, you're up in three, two...” Chef fired another leech into the air which landed on top of Duncan's head just as he pried the first leech off his forehead.

“Hey!”

“Nice shot,” Chris laughed, giving Chef a high five. The condors raced off frantically with Lightning quickly taking the lead and Cameron falling behind just as fast.

“So does anyone know where the heart of the forest is?” Duncan asked.

“I'll go look,” Zoey said. Zoey leaped into a nearby tree with ease and gracefully made it as high into it as she could.

* * *

 

“That Zoey has got some major talent,” Duncan admitted.

* * *

 

Zoey looked out into the forest and finally saw a clearing. “Over there!” She instructed Lightning.

“No, Lightning is going this way,” Lightning said, veering to the left of where Zoey was pointing.

“Get back here!” Heather shouted.

“Forget him, he'll catch up,” Jo said.

Meanwhile, the gophers were slowing down a fair bit. “Did we already pass that tree?” Geoff asked.

“No, of course not,” Brick insisted. “We're just...taking the scenic route?”

“We're lost,” Eva said.

“Welp, we lost this one,” Noah sighed, already resigned to his fate.

The condors reached the hill Zoey saw and found two large crates near each other. “We did it!” Heather rejoiced.

“Way to go, Flower Power,” Jo praised.

Shortly after, the gophers broke into the clearing and stopped dead in their tracks when they saw the Condors breaking into the bigger crate. “We can still win this,” Brick said to his team.

“Stop trying to lead us and let's get into that crate,” Eva said. She tore the lid off and Geoff pulled out a slingshot while Mike hefted up a bucket filled with leeches.

“This is the low tech crate alright,” Geoff sighed as he played with the slingshot.

“This crate is not so great,” Sierra said. She realized she accidentally made a joke and started laughing. “Heehee, get it? Great crate?”

Noah rolled his eyes and Geoff laughed alongside Sierra. “Nice one.”

Duncan pried open the crate to reveal six huge paintball cannons and one giant cannon. Everyone on the condors except Cameron and Zoey said “I'll use the cannon” at once and a fight quickly broke out.

“No, I'll use the cannon.” Lightning's voice sounded from the trees and he zipped from the other side of the clearing to the cannon. He claimed it as his own by mounting it like a horse. “Any more questions?”

“Oh no, there's no way I'm trusting Lightning with a friggin' cannon,” Jo said crossing her arms.

“Why don't we let Zoey decide?” Heather asked, laying the flattery on thick.

“Um, well, Lightning would be able to roll it around easiest...” Zoey said.

“I knew you had some smart in you,” Lightning praised. “Or maybe it's just that everyone knows Lightning's the best at everything. Sha-yeah.”

Jo rolled her eyes. “This won't be pretty.”

From a tent, Chris watched the proceedings on a screen and chuckled. “Tell me about it.” He turned to face the camera trained on him. “The Condors are off to quite the start, but which team will make it to the finish? Find out when we come back on Total. Drama. All Stars!

* * *

 

“Of course the Condors get machine gun shooters,” Noah complained while the Gophers walked further into the woods. Everyone held a slingshot and Geoff and Sierra pulled double duty by also carrying the two buckets filled with leeches. “We're never going to beat them with these puny slingshots.”

“Sure we can,” Brick said.

Sierra chimed in and both of them said “if we're stealthy and score first” at the same time. The two then high fived and Sierra giggled.

“Nerds,” Eva said. “Stop talking about about doing it and actually do it, alright?”

“Stealthy and fast enough to score first sounds like a friend of mine,” Mike said.

“That's great, maybe you can send them a postcard saying 'please come save our skin,'” Noah snarked.

“No need, because she's inside my head,” Mike explained. “It's time for Svetlana to shine!”

Sierra giggled happily. “Oh goody. She's my favorite.”

Suddenly, Mike was Svetlana, who stood straight and stared ahead with bright eyes. “Did someone call for an olympic gold medalist?” She chirped in her russian accent.

Noah pointed to the slingshot in her hand. “Leech slingshots. Shoot everyone who's not here. Comprendo?”

Svetlana nodded and grabbed a leech from Sierra's bucket. “Up up and away!” She shouted before leaping into a nearby tree. She jumped through the trees with grace and while she did so, she readied her slingshot and aimed it carefully, waiting for an unlucky condor to enter her line of sight.

“They're all annoying,” Noah said. “Who would have guessed.”

Brick suddenly fell to the ground, completely exhausted. “Oh, man. I am more tired than I thought... You should probably go on without me.”

Geoff handed Eva his bucket and helped Brick up again. “No can do, dude.”

Sierra pointed over a nearby hilltop. “There's a cave up this hill. You can rest in there if you need to.”

“How do you know there's a cave up there?” Geoff asked.

“I've memorized this entire island's geography,” Sierra said. “I also know exactly where Cody peed his pants every single time he did in season one. I can show you if you'd like!”

“Uh, no thanks,” Geoff said. “For now, let's get Brick into that cave.”

Moments later, Brick was sitting on the floor of the cave. “Sorry I can't be more useful to you guys,” he apologized. “I'm just really...tired.”

Geoff shook his head. “Don't worry about it bro. We'll leave some ammo here just in case someone finds you, alright?”

“Thanks a lot soldier, I mean Geoff,” Brick said, weakly saluting Geoff.

“Maybe someone should stay to guard him,” Sierra said.

“No, I can handle myself,” Brick insisted.

“I'll do it,” Sierra volunteered, completely ignoring Brick. “I know how you feel about being alone in dark caves like this and it'll be harder to catch two of us off guard.”

Suddenly, Brick realized that the cave was indeed very dark and started shivering. “Oh, thanks Sierra,” he said.

With that, Geoff, Eva, and Noah went off to search for the opposing team.

The Condors struggled to push the cannon through the woods. Why? Because Lightning was still straddling it and refused to push it himself. “We're easy targets like this,” Cameron pointed out. “I'm starting to think we should ditch the cannon.”

“More like we should ditch Lightning,” Jo said. “He's making this so much harder by not doing his share of the work.”

“If you're talking about me, you better be talking about how I'm the greatest athlete who ever lived,” Lightning said from his perch on the cannon.

“Then prove it and start pushing,” Heather commanded.

“No,” Lightning said, crossing his arms. “When it's time to fire, I'll fire, but until then Lightning is staying right he—whoa!” Jo interrupted him by pushing him off the cannon and onto the ground.

“Now let's go,” She said. The team started pushing the cannon again and got it moving slightly easier than before.

“Hey, no fair!” Lightning stood up and fired his machine gun shooter at the back of Jo's head. The leech inflated almost upon impact and Jo spun around, fire in her eyes.

“What did you just do to me?” She demanded, grabbing Lightning's collar.

“I got you out of the challenge so you would stop annoying me,” Lightning said, pushing her away. He grabbed the cannon and started pushing it himself, letting everyone else walk on their own. Suddenly, a leech fired from somewhere in the trees found a perch on Alejandro's butt and he fell down in pain.

“That's one hit for Svetlana!” Svetlana shouted from the tree tops. The condors minus Jo and Alejandro started firing wildly at Svetlana, but she leaped away to safety before they could hit her.

Chris' voice once again sounded from the loudspeakers he loved so much. “That's two for the gophers, zilch for the condors.”

“But Svetlana only hit Alejandro,” Duncan protested.

“True,” Chris said. “But friendly fire counts.”

Everyone glared at Lightning. “What?” he defended. “Jo got on my nerves.”

“You can take your excuses and shove them up your--” Heather started, but before she could curse, a leech hit her in the back of the head.

Svetlana cheered from a different tree top and started jumping around the condors like a vulture circling its prey. Suddenly, she tripped over a branch and came crashing down to the earth, where Lightning fired the cannon at her. Of course, he missed and hit Cameron, who fell to the ground groaning in pain, but Duncan managed to shoot Svetlana while she was down in Lightning's place. Svetlana turned back into Mike and he groaned. “How un-Svetlana of her...”

“It's in my hair!” Heather screeched. “Get it out!”

“Make that four to one,” Chris said.

“We're sitting ducks like this,” Zoey said. “We need to split up. Lightning should stay with the cannon and Duncan and I will go look for the other team.”

“Good idea,” Cameron groaned from the ground, covered in leeches.

“Way to go, Lightning,” Duncan spat. “How about you aim it at the other team now, huh?”

“That's what I was doing,” Lightning said. “Four-eyes got in the way.”

“Split up!” Zoey shouted. Her and Duncan ran off in different directions while Lightning grumbled to himself and rolled the cannon a third way.

* * *

 

“I hated getting loud at Duncan and Lightning, but it's so hard to talk any reason into anyone when everyone's fighting,” Zoey defended herself. “I'm so tired of this team.”

* * *

 

Duncan walked through the woods and finally nearly ran into Geoff. They had a stand-off, pointing their weapons at each other, waiting for the other to make a move.

“Hey man, long time no see,” Duncan said, making small talk.

“Yeah, it's been a while,” Geoff said. “You don't have any hard feelings about season one, do you?”

“When you nearly broke our alliance because you didn't want to vote off your lady friend?”

“Yeah, that.”

“Only if you won't have any hard feelings about this!” Duncan fired several leeches at Geoff, all of which hit their mark. Geoff fell to the ground and Chris once again started blasting his voice so the whole island could hear.

“The Condors score again, but the gophers still lead by two.”

Eva and Noah ran through the woods, desperately trying to find someone to shoot. Noah smacked into Zoey and the two fell to the ground. Eva took this opportunity to shoot Zoey, but not before Zoey managed to get a hit on Noah. “I hate this game,” Noah grumbled as Eva marched on. Moments later, Duncan arrived and Noah gasped. He shouted “Eva! Duncan's right behind you!” Duncan silenced Noah by smacking him upside the head with his paintball gun. “Ow, that was totally unnecessary.”

Before Duncan could retort, Eva burst out of the bush, snarling at Duncan. They aimed and fired, but Eva managed to dodge a leech and Duncan got hit square in the chest. “Aw, dang it!”

“That's six to three. If the gophers get one more point, they win,” Chris announced. Lightning rolled his eyes as he approached a cave.

“Pathetic.” He ventured into the cave with his cannon ready and his firearm drawn. “It smells like sweat and bacon in here. The scent of losers.” Sierra, hiding behind a rock, prepared a leech in her slingshot and aimed carefully at the athlete. She fired, but the leech landed on the wall next to Lightning's head. “Sha-bingo,” He took aim at Sierra and fired wildly. Sierra ducked behind the rock, narrowly avoiding the onslaught of leeches. She tripped over Brick, who was still shivering on the cold ground and one cannon shot later, both of them were covered in the slimy purple ammo. Lightning cheered from behind the cannon. “Ha! That'll show Jo for trying so hard to get rid of me. I'm the star player, Sha-Lightning!” Suddenly, he felt a sharp pain n his back. “What the...” He reached back and scratched at it, dislodging a leech. He looked at it confused and turned around to see Eva, posed at the entrance to the cave holding her slingshot triumphantly.

“Checkmate, sha-meat head,”

“This just in, with a final score of seven points to five, the Generic Gophers win!” Chris said.

“Yay, we won,” Brick said weakly. “You did very good buff lady.” With that, he fainted right there on the cave floor.

That night, everyone gathered at the campfire, the gophers safely watching from the peanut gallery. “Welcome back, Victorious Condors,” Chris greeted. “Second elimination in a row, huh? And here I thought putting all the good players on one team would make it unfair. Way to lose. Now, get ready to cut someone loose. It's voting time.”

At the peanut gallery, Sierra put her hand on Brick's shoulder. “We're not gonna let you go to Boney Island twice, we promise.”

“I wasn't planning on it,” Brick said, still worn out.

Sierra turned to Eva and said, “Who do you think is going home? My money's on L--”

“I don't care,” Eva said flatly. “As long as it's not me.”

Sierra pulled out her phone and started typing on it. “What do you think, Cody-kins?” She asked her phone. “Jo? I don't know, I think Lightning's gonna go. Oh Cody, don't be silly, you're not going home.” She giggled and Eva growled at her, trying to get her to stop.

“The votes are in,” Chris announced. “But before I announce who the one way ticket down the pot goes to, I need a gopher to volunteer for exile on Boney Island.”

“Let me do it!” Eva called.

“Why are you so eager all of a sudden?” Noah asked.

“If I have to spend one more night with Sierra, I think I'm going to go insane,” Eva said. “Let me out of here.”

Sierra, of course, was completely oblivious to Eva's scorn and was offering the Cody on her phone's background a foot rub.

Chef walked Eva toward the boat where Gwen was waiting and her team wished her good luck. “She won't need it, though,” Noah said. “Anything with any brains on that island won't want to be within twenty miles of her.”

“Okay then,” Chris said. “Onwards and flush-wards. The following Condors are safe: Alejandro, Duncan, Heather, Cameron, and Zoey. Lightning and Jo, you're on the edge. Jo for being a pain in the keester and Lightning for being a pain the the keester who also took out two of his own teammates in today's challenge.”

“Cameron should've ducked,” Lightning insisted. “Not my fault.”

“And tonight's flushee is...”

Jo started to panic and Lightning kept his arms firmly crossed. Finally, when no one could take the suspense, Chris tossed the final marshmallow to Jo. “Lightning. You're out, bud.”

“What?” Lightning demanded. “How dare you vote me out. I'm the best player on this island.”

“More like the most annoying,” Heather corrected.

“And about to be the most gone,” Jo said smugly, waving goodbye.

Seconds later, Lightning was screaming from the toilet bowl. “You'll regret this! Especially you, Jo,”

“Sorry, can't hear you,” Jo said. “The sound of you getting flushed is too loud.”

“He hasn't flushed me y--” Lightning's sentence was cut off by Chris flushing him and Jo laughed at his misery.

“I will not miss him,” Chris said frankly. “Tune in next time for more sweet, sweet mayhem right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	4. Food Fright

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The food based challenge for the season leads to the fiercest finish yet, with Eva and Jo finally throwing down the gauntlet and an old contestant dropping in for a visit. Can the Gophers keep their winning streak up? Why is Noah so mad at Mike?

“Last time on a very special episode of Total Drama All Stars: It was all about teamwork...or lack thereof. The challenge, an epic leechball battle, brought out everyone's inner psycho, especially Lightning's, which is why he got flushed. Will the Condors crush the Gophers' winning streak? Or was calling a team 'victorious' a huge mistake _again_? Find out now on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

The sky was cloudy and thunder boomed. Rain poured down in buckets and there wasn't an end in sight. In the Condors' cabin, Cameron, Alejandro and Duncan slept peacefully, until Cameron was startled awake by a banging at the door. The door swung open and all Cameron saw was a huge black shape with beady little eyes. Cameron squeaked in terror, but when the shape was revealed to be Chef, he screamed, waking up his roommates, who were also scared out of their wits by the man at their door. Chef tossed a garbage bag into the cabin and it exploded in a cloud of powdered gruel.

* * *

 

Cameron, covered in the gross brown powder, sighed. “This isn't food, this is sawdust. Sawdust! These producers are insane!”

* * *

 

Alejandro, not having made a move to get out of his sleeping bag, coughed up some of the gruel and shuddered. “Disgusting. I bet the girls are not treated this cruelly.” Seconds later, he heard another garbage bag explode, followed by the screams of Heather, Zoey and Jo. “I stand corrected,” Alejandro smiled.

* * *

 

“I wish Chef would skip on the whole 'bed and breakfast' thing and let us starve,” Jo complained. The gruel piled on her head was adding at least two inches to her height. “It would be more humane.”

* * *

 

As usual, things weren't as cruddy in the spa hotel as it was for literally everyone else. Noah knocked on the bathroom door, holding a towel and a change of clothes draped over his arm. “Whoever's in there, please wrap it up so I can get my early morning shower in while we're still winning and _can_ shower.”

Mike's voice resonated from inside, except it was deep and raspy. “Shove off, you limp noodle.”

“Limp noodle?” Noah gasped, taken aback. “You're one to talk, you stringbean!” He banged on the door angrily. “Now hurry it up.”

He heard Mike gasp, but before he could say anything further, Geoff came up to them, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “What's the fuss, dudes? And why are you hitting that door like it insulted your mom?”

“Mister nice-guy Mike here just called me a limp noodle,” Noah accused.

“Whoa, really? That's not cool, dude, but I don't think he deserves you not giving him any privacy for it.”

“What's going on?” Mike's normal voice asked from the other side of the door.

“You know darn well what's going on,” Noah spat. “Now let me take my shower.”

“Oh, okay.” Mike opened the door, his hair down because it was still wet. “Sorry, I guess I got carried away while I was showering and spaced out. Hope you still have some hot water.” He smiled at Noah, who returned his gesture with a fierce glare, which scared him a bit. “Um, are you okay?” Noah pushed past him into the bathroom and slammed the door without a word. “Is he mad at me?” Mike asked Geoff.

“He says you called him names,” Geoff said, putting on a serious tone. “You can't ignore that.”

“I did? Oh dear, it might have been someone else,” Mike thought out loud. “I'll have to make whoever it was say sorry. It was probably Vito.”

“You know, if it were anyone else saying that, I wouldn't believe them,” Geoff smiled. “You get your other dudes to be nicer, okay?”

“Sure,” Mike replied.

* * *

 

“Something is up with that Mike guy,” Noah insisted. “And I don't care which of him called me that, I'm not going to forgive him for it anytime soon.”

* * *

 

“Remember how I said I can hear my other personalities' last thoughts before they switch back to me? Well, lately, I've been blanking real bad, and when I come back to my senses, I can't remember who I just was or what they were thinking. Like, I could remember what Svetlana was thinking when she fell during the last challenge, but other than that, I can't remember.” He thought about it for a moment, then gasped. “Last time that happened was...was... Oh no, I have to tell Zoey!”

* * *

 

Geoff yawned. “Well, bro, I'm gonna get a little more shut eye. Don't get yourself into too much more trouble, okay?”

“Okay, thanks for checking up,” Mike thanked him.

“Hey, I got your back, man,” Geoff assured him.

* * *

 

“Geoff's been a super great guy since I got here,” Mike said. “I'm glad to have him around.”

* * *

 

“Yeah I'm here to win,” Geoff admitted. “But what's the point of winning or even being here if I can't make a few friends in the process? I think the people like Heather and Jo who take it so seriously are totally missing out and they would be so much happier if they just chilled out, y'know?”

* * *

 

On their way back to the boys' room, Sierra scuttled past Mike and Geoff. “Uh, Sierra?” Mike asked. “Where are you going?”

“I'm going to take pictures of whoever's in the shower,” She answered. “Since you two are out here, that means it's either Brick or Noah. My followers will love that.”

“I wouldn't do that,” Geoff warned her. “Noah's already in a pretty terrible mood.”

“Oh, well if it's Noah, I probably shouldn't,” Sierra pondered. “Is risking my life really worth gaining a few hundred followers?”

“That's the sanest thing you've ever said, Si--” Mike started to praise Sierra, but...

“It absolutely is worth it!” Sierra squealed, racing toward the bathroom.

“She's a dead girl,” Mike said.

Much later, the storm was finally coming to a close, so Chris decided it was time to call the campers to action with his handy megaphone. “Okay, now that the weather's cleared up, get your waterlogged butts down to the beach for today's beat down...I mean, challenge.” Moments later, the campers gathered around their host as he explained the deal for the day. “Welcome, contestants. Before we get started, let's bring back last night's exile: Eva.”

Eva uneventfully rejoined her team from somewhere behind Chris. “How was your night on the island, Eva?” Brick asked.

“It was more peaceful than my last nights here,” Eva replied, thinking about how she beat down any animal that tried to approach her with an iron fist.

“Are you hungry?” Geoff asked.

“Don't you worry about that,” Chris assured them. “It's challenge time!”

“What does that have to do with whether or not Eva's hungry?” Brick asked.

“You see, Chef didn't have time to cook the losers' breakfast today, because he was busy making these.” He motioned toward a dock raised above mud, where two gigantic plates of enormous pancakes sat. Each stack was marked by nearby signs with the team emblems painted on them and loudspeakers mounted on top. “Pancakes!” Chris cheered. “That's right. It's eating contest time. Each team member gets one minute to scarf up as much pancake-y goodness as they can. When the Gophers' eating time is up, they hear this:” The speaker above the green Gopher emblem sounded with the chattering of a squirrel. “And when the Condors' time is up, they hear:” The one above the red Condor blared the coarse, obnoxious sound of a condor crowing. “And then you just have to race through a nausea inducing obstacle course.”

“O-obstacle course?” Brick gulped.

“It's a nod to the Mad Skills course from last season,” Chris verified. This caused Brick to sigh heavily as he remembered the physical trauma he suffered from that very course last season. “The toughest parts anyway... First, you've got to get past the bouncy butts. They're a real pain.” He pointed at a row of four huge, red, rubber butts moving up and down swiftly. “Then, it's on to the wretched rolling pin,” he motioned toward the two mounted wooden poles, high above the mud. The first and second ones spun in opposite directions of course. “And finally, a swift kick from the grape crusher gets you back in line.” To demonstrate, a huge boot swung like a pendulum.

“Pfft, that's not so bad,” Duncan bragged.

“Really?” Chris asked in a daring tone. “Huh. Well, I wasn't gonna add this, but since Duncan's not impressed...” Chris grabbed a walkie-talkie and pressed the button that let the person on the other end hear him. “Bring it in.” A helicopter lowered down a giant wooden bowl onto a metal contraption manned by an intern. “Say hello to the Salad Spinner. The perfect end to a barftastic course.”

“How does it work?” Geoff asked.

“I dunno,” Chris shrugged. “We didn't have time to test it.

“Nice one, Duncan,” Heather shot. “Thanks for making it harder on us.”

* * *

 

Alejandro sighed dreamily. “She's so beautiful when she's shooting daggers.”

* * *

 

“By the way,” Chris continued. “Players have to make it through the course without, ahem, regurgitating to get back in line and stay in the game. If you puke, you're benched.” He pointed at a set of bleachers to the side of the course. “That will leave the other players on your team to eat up without your help. Once your pancake's toast, just complete the obstacle course one last time to win. And just to make things sweeter, we brought in a very special guest for this episode.” From behind the bleachers walked a familiar face from season one.

“Hey Deej!” Geoff waved. “How you doing, man?”

DJ waved shyly. “Hi Geoff.”

“We brought DJ in because we knew that if he helped Chef cook the pancakes, they would be so good that everyone would eat as much as physically possible,” Chris explained.

“Just a pinch of Mama Spice did the trick,” DJ said proudly as he whipped out the small red container of special spice.

“He'll keep the losers company on the benches,” Chris assured the players as DJ sat down. “Ready? Set? Scarf!” The intern working the salad spinner blew an air horn and it was on. From the Gophers, Sierra ran to the pancakes and started eating.

She took one bite, gasped at how good it was, and started eating it wildly. “It's so good!” She enthused.

“We need a team leader,” Alejandro said. “And I think it should be you.” He pointed at Heather and somehow kept himself balanced on the one hand that was left over.

“Ugh, whatever,” Duncan rolled his eyes.

“Fine,” Jo said.

“Wait, you're agreeing to this?” Cameron asked. “I thought you and her were fighting.”

“I don't like it one bit,” Jo assured him. “But if we're gonna start winning, we need to stop fighting. And if Mexican No Legs-ican here thinks Heather's the best fit, let her take the blame if we lose.”

“Actually, I'm from Spain,” Alejandro corrected.

“Fine,” Heather interrupted. “You go first Alejandro, but you better have a big appetite.”

“As you wish,” Alejandro assured her, hand walking to the condor pancakes. He started chewing on the pancakes, not visually affected by DJ's wonderful cooking. Suddenly, his eyes widened as he saw two pairs of beady little eyes peer out at him from between pancakes. Two rats jumped out and latched onto his face. “Ouch!”

“Oh, there also may be some booby traps and feisty ingredients hidden in those 'pain'cakes,” Chris added.

Sierra, in her frantic eating, found a cluster of little blue spheres. “Oh, are these blueberries?” She asked, but didn't wait for an answer before devouring those all at once.

“I've never heard of fish eyes being called that,” Chris answered. “But sure.” Sierra's eyes widened and she immediately barfed. “And Sierra is benched!”

Sierra dejectedly walked over to the bleachers and sat down next to DJ. “Sorry about that,” DJ said to her.

“It's okay,” Sierra said in between trying to stop herself from puking again.

“Who's next?” Chris called.

“Noah, you do it,” Eva said. “Make yourself useful.”

Noah scoffed. “Fine.” He approached the pancakes, took a bite, and actually smiled for once. “Oh...Oh my god, these are the best things I've ever tasted.” He chowed down on the pancakes and moments later, Alejandro heard the shriek of a condor and started the obstacle course.

“Eating time's over for Alejandro,” Chris announced. “Now, it's beatin' time.”

Alejandro, encouraged by his team, flawlessly bounced across the butts and got cocky by walking the rolling pins backwards. “Yes!” Heather cheered. She quickly realized what she was doing and assumed a more collected demeanor.

“You want him so bad,” Jo teased.

“How about you shut it?” Heather spat.

Alejandro got in position and allowed the giant boot knock him into the salad spinner. He _totally_ didn't scream like a girl while he soared through the air as well. He landed in the spinner and the intern immediately started it. It spun violently for a good twenty seconds before stopping, opening a panel on the side, and spitting Alejandro out like rotten meat. He landed hard on the dock and Chris leaned forward in his newly acquired beach chair. “So that's how it works.” He laughed as Alejandro showed signs of throwing up. When he finally swallowed, Chris congratulated him. “Tastes so nice, Al ate it twice!”

* * *

 

“Chris will pay for laughing at me,” Alejandro threatened before turning green and starting to look sick again. “As soon as I...feel better.”

* * *

 

“Okay, brain boy,” Heather pointed at Cameron. “You're next.”

“You got it,” Cameron ran up to the pancakes and started eating.

Noah heard the chattering of the squirrel and reluctantly pried himself off the pancakes. “Run!” Mike encouraged.

“Don't tell me what to do!” Noah shot. He approached the bouncy butts and sighed. After mentally encouraging himself, he jumped from the dock and landed face first in the rubber butt before being thrown into the mud.

Cameron heard the condor cry not much later. “Run, Cameron,” Alejandro said. “Run like your life depends on it. Which it does.”

“Why would I go next?” Heather asked Jo. “I'm team captain.”

“Because I said so,” Jo snapped.

“No, I'll do it so you stop fighting,” Duncan volunteered.

Noah finally made it to the boot and got unceremoniously tossed into the salad spinner. After his ride was over, he landed on the dock, moaned in pain, and was done for now.

Cameron made it to the grape crusher and was sent sailing far over the spinner and into a tree. His weight caused the branch he landed on to break and he plummeted to the ground.

“Next!” Chris called.

“Hey, that's not fair,” Noah protested. “He didn't do the spinner.”

“I'll allow it,” Chris said. “His pain was our gain. Which team will finish their barftastic breakfast first? Find out after the break.”

* * *

 

Duncan, having eaten his share of DJ's pancakes, was wedged in between the two bulbous cheeks of the first bouncy butt and struggling to get free. “The Condors are in the lead,” Chris announced. “But for how long?”

Mike approached the Gopher's plate and started eating, all the while remarking about how great the pancakes tasted. Meanwhile, Duncan had finally reached the rolling pins and crossed them with relative ease. He taunted the grape crusher with an obscene hand gesture and got booted into the spinner, which he weathered equally as well. “And Duncan is safe to eat again,” Chris said. Immediately, Zoey took his place at the Condors' plate.

“You can do it, Mike!” Geoff called.

“Scarf for your life,” Brick added.

“This is so easy,” Mike mused. He dived back into the pancakes but was taken by surprise by a loud snapping sound. He pulled back from the pancakes to reveal that a mouse trap had latched itself securely onto his lips.

“You were saying?” Chris laughed. The signal to go sounded and after prying the trap off his face, Mike took off. Zoey groaned, having eaten too much to handle, when the stark cry of a bird of prey told her to go. Before she could get going, two crabs ambushed her from inside the pancakes. They latched onto her and she ran away, flailing her arms and trying to tell them to get off (which didn't work because her mouth was full.)

“Okay, Heather,” Jo said. “It's me or you up next and we have to decide right now.”

“Well, I'm team captain and I say you go,” Heather said firmly.

“Fine, but if we win, I call dibs on going to Boney Island,” Jo demanded. They shook on this deal, but Heather's fingers were crossed. None the wiser, Jo ran off, ready to scarf on some pancakes.

“The Gophers are two-thirds done, but it looks like the Condors need to up their appetite, big time,” Chris commented.

Mike was being thrown around roughly by the bouncy butts and fell into the mud. “Hey, that wasn't so bad,” he said about the fall. Right away, the butt he fell off of crushed him seemingly out of spite. “Nevermind...” Zoey bounced across the butts, trying to keep her food down, and landed face first on the dock after making it across. The Condors gasped and she groaned in pain. Mike, having recovered, approached Zoey. “Hey, you don't look so good, are you alright?” He asked. Zoey wordlessly pointed at Mike's mouth, which was terribly swollen due to the mouse trap. “Ah!” Mike yelled when he realized how swollen and purple his lips were.

* * *

 

“I don't usually care about my appearance, but oh my gosh, look at my lips!”

* * *

 

Duncan laughed so hard he couldn't stand in the confessional. “Oh man, dude's lips look like two worms having a street fight!” He howled and fell off the toilet. “I don't even care man. That's some funny sh--”

* * *

 

Mike and Zoey were running across the rolling pins, Mike just a little bit ahead and Zoey getting nauseous. “Gopher mike has taken the lead, while Condor Zoey's face is turning a new shade of green,” Chris said.

“Zoey, are you okay?” Mike asked. “There's something I need to tell you and it's kind of important.” Zoey covered her mouth, struggling not to throw up. She failed and ended up projectile-vomiting all over Mike and the rolling pin she was on. She slipped on the gross stuff and took a dive into the mud. “Oh, gross!”

“And Zoey gives the hurl of shame new meaning,” Chris laughed. “Hit the bench.”

Mike got into position to be launched by the boot and got send flying into the salad spinner. The problem was that he landed in it right on his head and didn't have time to get up before it got started. “And Mike is in the salad spinner,” Chris commented.

It stopped and threw him out onto the dock. He sat up, rubbing his head and groaning in pain. “Why is it always my head?” He grumbled.

“Gophers need another eater,” Chris reminded them.

“I'm on it,” Brick said. He started eating and Jo started trash talking from her team's plate.

“Oh, you are so going down McArthurl,” She taunted with a mouthful of pancake.

“I beg to differ,” Brick said after having the decency to swallow his food. “You're going down this time, Jo.”

“Oh, I'm so afraid of the fashion school reject,” Jo said sarcastically.

“I'll have you know I got top marks in my first semester of fashion school,” Brick shot back.

“Less trash talking and more trash eating,” Chris chimed in.

Jo obliged but was immediately pelted with a load of weird, green stuff. “Green...jelly?” She asked.

“That part was designed for Courtney, but we didn't wanna just throw it away when we learned she wasn't coming back,” Chris explained.

The squirrel sounds played and Brick saluted, but before he could start the course, he noticed a stick of dynamite jutting out of the pancakes. It exploded and sent him flying straight to the salad spinner with a scream. “Hey, that's not fair!” Jo accused. “He didn't have to run the course.”

“I can't hear you,” Chris shouted into his megaphone. “This megaphone is so loud.”

The salad spinner dropped Brick out on his head and he groaned. “I did it, ma...”

Seconds later, Jo landed in the salad spinner and enthusiastically shouted for the intern to set it on its highest setting. He ignored her and just let it go normally. When the ride stopped, she hopped out of the spinner and landed on Brick's back. She walked off laughing at Brick's pain and he made no further effort to move.

“And Jo aces the spinner,” Chris announced. He examined the pancakes. “Looks like the Gophers are about to taste victory and maybe some old shoes. We put some in their pancake.”

“Enjoy the loser cabin again,” Eva taunted.

“There's no way we're going back there,” Heather spat. They both approached their food and started chewing. Eva scarfed down the pancakes due to not having a breakfast and Heather was struggling to keep up.

Jo ran up to Heather and held out her hand. “Tag me out, tag me out. I've got another go in me and there's no way you can eat on her level, flagpole.” Heather begrudgingly slapped her hand in agreement and Jo got to eating.

“That's not fair,” Eva accused.

“It is if one of you tags out too,” Chris mocked.

“No, I'm doing this on my own,” Eva insisted when Geoff made a move to tag out. “I've been waiting to kick Jockette's puny butt.”

“It is on!” Jo spat.

As the pancakes disappeared, tension was mounting. “The Condors have stormed back, people. It is neck and neck.”

Finally, Eva took the final chunk of pancake with a shaky hand. “Ugh, I ate too fast...”

“Come on Eva, you're almost there!” Brick encouraged.

“Eva finished her pancake first,” Chris declared as she reluctantly stuck the final bit in her mouth. She pushed through her nausea and ran for the bouncy butts.

“Come on, Jo,” Alejandro called.

“Don't bother,” Heather sighed. “Obviously she can't do it.”

Jo glared at Heather and devoured the rest of her pancakes. “Jo's finished her team's pancake,” Chris said, starting to get really excited. “The race to the finish is on!”

Eva struggled slightly on the rolling pins, almost losing her balance a couple times. Jo quickly caught up and their combined weight caused the rolling pin to stop and start to short circuit. “You break it, you buy it, Jo.” Chris warned. Eva took this opportunity to break out into a sprint and Jo immediately followed. With a battle cry, Jo jumped on Eva's back when she reached the platform to get launched into the salad spinner.

It started up and spun the two girls wildly. When it stopped and no one came out of the open slot, the teams looked at the ride with worry. Jo approached the opening and the Condors cheered. Before she could step off onto the dock, Eva grabbed her shirt from behind. “I'm gonna win this one!” She shouted as they struggled to get onto the dock first. Chris winked at the intern, who turned the salad spinner on for a split second. The velocity of it threw Jo and Eva out of the ride and they landed on the dock face first. “It's a photo finish!” Chris declared. Another intern wheeled in a television on a cart and the footage from the episode started playing. In the slow motion clip, it was revealed that Jo just barely hit the ground first. “And the Victorious Condors are victorious at last!” Chris cheered. Jo's team cheered with him and welcomed her back into their line.

“You did alright I guess,” Heather said, crossing her arms.

“I've never seen a more beautiful performance,” Alejandro said. Heather pouted and stomped on his fingers in response, which caused him to fall over and screech in pain.

When the sun was setting, Mike knocked on the door to the spa hotel. A butler answered the door and Mike asked him if her could talk to Zoey. “One moment, sir,” the butler said in his british accent before disappearing into the hotel. Zoey came to the door, still looking a little woozy.

“Oh, hey Mike,” she greeted.

“How are you doing, Zoey?” Mike asked.

“I'm a little better, I guess. I'm done throwing up, anyway.”

“That's good,” Mike smiled.

“Sorry about the whole puking on you thing, by the way.”

“Hey, it's no biggie,” Mike assured her. “I have something I need to tell you and this is more important than that.”

“What is it?”

“You see...there's a, uh, personality I never, um, told you about,” Mike explained.

“There is? Why?”

“Well, I thought that--” Before he could continue, he gasped and got an evil look in his eye.

“Mike?” Zoey asked. “Are you okay?” In response, Mike, or whoever he was, pushed Zoey into the spa hotel and slammed the door in her face. “What the heck was that for?” All she got was deep, raspy laughs from the other side.

* * *

 

“I can't believe Mike would do that! How rude of him.” Zoey crossed her arms and frowned, seemingly disregarding the information Mike had given her.

* * *

 

That night, the Condors sat in the peanut gallery, reveling in how they were finally safe from elimination. “Hate to see you leave, Eva McFaceplant,” Jo teased, “But I'll love to see you go.”

Eva glared at her and Brick put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “It's okay, Eva. If not for you, we would have lost by a much more dishonorable margin. We're not voting you off.”

Eva sighed. “Thanks, I guess.”

“Listen up, campers, because I have a shocking announcement to make.” Chris was standing in front of the teams with a devious grin. “After reviewing the footage the footage of today's challenge and laughing a lot, turns out that the Condors didn't in fact complete the challenge.”

“But Jo finished the obstacle course first,” Cameron protested.

“Jo isn't the problem,” Chris said with a frown. “Duncan. Will you stand up and turn out your pockets, please?”

Duncan's eyes widened. He stood up and, with a guilty look, emptied his pockets to reveal two chunks of pancake. Everyone gasped. “I'm sorry, okay? DJ's pancakes were just so good...I had to pocket them for later.”

“Condors forfeit!” Chris announced. “Gophers win it.” The Gophers cheered about yet another victory and everyone on the other team glared angrily at Duncan. “Time to vote someone out, Condors.”

Minutes later, the roles were switched and the Condors once again sat on the chopping block. “The following players are safe: Alejandro, Jo, Cameron, and Zoey. Two campers remain. Who will get the final marshmallow? Will it be Heather who refused to participate? Or will it be Duncan the pancake hoarder? The last marshmallow goes to...”

“Heather.”

Heather caught her treat and pumped her fist in the air. “Yes!”

“You're done, Duncan.”

Duncan stood up and pointed at Chris accusingly. “I'm not going anywhere man. I refuse to be flushed down that...thing!” Without another word, Duncan sprinted into the dark forest.

“Hey! Get back here!” Chris called. “Just because you're not getting flushed doesn't mean you're not out of the game!” He finally sighed. “Fine, which winner is going to the stupid Boney Island?”

Geoff nodded and stood up. “I volunteer.”

“What? Why?” Sierra asked.

“I've got a good feeling about tonight, dude. I can totally find it.”

“Sure you can,” Chris said sarcastically. “Now go follow Chef to the boat.”

“You got it dude.”

“Good riddance,” Mike whispered in that raspy voice. Noah glared at him, still angry about earlier.

Chef lead Geoff to the boat and he plopped down in the seat next to Gwen's. “Hey Gwen,” he greeted. “Long time no see, huh?”

“Sure,” Gwen replied in a bored voice.

“This reminds me of last time we rode a boat to Boney Island,” Geoff said. “Except, with fewer handcuffs and less fighting.”

“Don't talk to me about that,” Gwen snapped.

“What? Why not? That was when we became friends.”

“We're not friends anymore, Geoff,” Gwen shot. “You gave me so much crap during those stupid aftermath shows, how do you expect me to just forgive you like that?”

“Hey, I took your side when you dumped Trent, remember?” Geoff reminded her.

“Yeah, but then you almost made me sit in a tank of piranhas and then you said that the ratings trumped our friendship. Generally, if someone wants to feed me to piranhas, I try to not be their friend.”

Geoff sighed. “Look, I'm sorry. About everything I did in season two. The fame got to my head and I lost almost all the friends I made...”

“We'll see how sorry you are after a night on Boney Island,” Gwen smirked as she pulled up to the island's beach. “Goodnight, Geoff.” She kicked him off the boat and sped off, leaving Geoff to stare into the dark forest with wide eyes.

Meanwhile, Chris stood on the dock, watching Chef push the intern who ran the salad spinner into the toilet. “Sorry dude, but since Duncan skedaddled, someone has to get flushed, and it ain't gonna be me.” He clicked the button and the intern got flushed with a scream. “The Gophers win yet again! But, can they do it a fourth time in a row? Find out next time on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	5. Moon Madness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mike reveals a dark secret that he struggles to control while the teams must race from one end of the island to the other at night. On top of that, they have to deal with cute, cuddly animals, which is much easier said than done during the blue harvest moon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where things are going to get drastically different from the TV version, so please stick around and give feedback in any way you can, but most of all, enjoy!

“Last time on Total Drama All Stars: the Condors had to deal with crappy breakfast while Noah had to deal with crappy roommates and Zoey had to deal with a crappy boyfriend. At challenge time, giant pancakes were gobbled down and, in a few cases, thrown right back up thanks to a barf-tacular obstacle course. Heheh, way to re-swallow, Al. The Condors finally finished first, but an uneaten piece of pancake in Duncan's pocket sent them straight back to loserville. And they didn't even get to watch Duncan get flushed to make up for it because the kid bolted into the forest. Eleven players remain. Which of them will be taking a swim in the big porcelain bowl? Find out right here, right now on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

The Condors stood in front of their cabin, eating bowls of weird slop and gagging on the taste. Well, most of them did, anyway. Alejandro glared at his bowl and adamantly refused to touch the food (if it could even be called that.) “What's the matter, Alejandro?” Heather asked.

“There is no way they can possibly expect us to pollute our bodies with this...mud!” Alejandro complained.

Jo rolled her eyes. “Look, Al, we're outnumbered now and we can't be losing because of your malnutrition.”

“Don't call me Al!” Alejandro snapped. “And don't you worry, there's no way I will let an empty stomach get in the way of thrashing those losers.”

“Then what's gotten in the way so far, huh?” Heather asked.

Cameron sighed. “Let's go eat somewhere else, Zoey.” Zoey nodded in response and he started down the steps of the cabin. Suddenly, he fell with a scream and landed face first in his bowl of sludge. Jo, Heather and Alejandro laughed at him while Zoey rushed to his aid.

“Are you okay Cam?” She helped him up and wiped some of the nasty stuff off his face. Then Mike walked out from behind the cabin with a grin on his face. “Oh, hey Mike,” Zoey greeted. “Can you help me out and grab Cameron's glasses for him?” She motioned to Cameron's bowl of slop where his glasses rested.

Mike's grin disappeared and he scrambled to help out. He picked up Cameron's glasses and put them back on his face, where they promptly split into two pieces. “...Oops, sorry Cameron.”

“It's okay Mike,” Cameron assured him. “I guess.”

“Hey, no fraternizing with the enemy,” Jo called.

“Who cares? It's just Mike,” Heather said. “What's he gonna do? Become an old man and complain at us?”

Mike frowned and turned to walk away. “Fine then. I'll just go back to the spa.”

“Does Mike seem weird to you?” Zoey asked her team.

“I haven't talked to him much this season,” Cameron replied.

“Nah, he's how I remember,” Jo said.

“Don't know, don't care,” Heather and Alejandro said in unison. They then looked at each other with raised eyebrows.

“Don't do that again,” Heather told him.

* * *

 

“Wait a second,” Zoey pondered. “What was Mike doing behind the cabin? And how did he just happen to be back there right when Cameron fell?”

* * *

 

Mike sighed. “I can't manage to tell Zoey, so maybe telling the confessional will clear my conscience. You see, I have a personality I never told anyone about. His name is Mal and he's like, a grade A jerk and the biggest reason my psychiatrist said I shouldn't have even auditioned for Total Drama in the first place. It's not like I'm stupid or desperate for the million dollars, I just thought Mal was gone! He hasn't shown up in like, years. Not since...” Suddenly, he gasped and hunched over, an evil glint in his eye.

“So this is Total Drama, huh?” Mal said, looking around. “How much did he say the prize was? One million dollars? I could use some of that. Maybe if I win, I can finally be the dominant personality again. And if I'm gonna do that, I better step up my game from tripping skinny nerds and yelling at everyone else.” He gasped again and Mike came back out.

“Wait, what was I saying?”

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Brick, Eva, and Sierra ate their breakfast, talking about the previous day's challenge. “How's your back after Jo stepped on it?” Eva asked Brick.

“It's fine, why do you ask?”

Noah had joined them at this point and was just as confused as Brick was. “Yeah, you sound like you care for his well being or something.”

“No, of course I don't,” Eva said quickly. “I'm just making sure one of our strongest players is up to whatever the next challenge is. I can't be carrying the whole team again.”

“It's okay to care about a teammate,” Brick assured her. Suddenly his back popped and he flinched. “Ouch.”

Eva looked concerned, but only for a split second as she quickly resumed her usual demeanor. She wasn't fast enough to avoid Noah's eye though. “Ha, you so care,” He laughed.

* * *

 

“I don't care about anyone here but me,” Eva insisted stubbornly.

* * *

 

Back at Boney Island, Gwen pulled up to the dock and parked the boat, dreading another encounter with Geoff. She grabbed a megaphone and called into it. “Geoff, get your sorry butt out here so I can be done for the day.”

Geoff emerged from the forest with rips in his shirt and more than a few bruises. He smiled at the sight of Gwen and she rolled her eyes. When he got on the boat and was asked how it went, he shrugged. “Could have gone better, could've gone worse. You know how it is.”

“There you go with your undying positivity,” Gwen sighed. “Are you ever bummed out like, ever?”

“I was bummed out last night when you said we weren't friends anymore,” Geoff answered.

“Yeah, I'm sure you were,” Gwen said sarcastically.

“Really, I was. Why would I lie to you about that?”

“Because you're a jerk,” Gwen accused.

“I'm better now, really!” Geoff was getting indignant now. “I learned from my mistakes. Just ask Bridgette.”

“I'd rather not, thanks. Oh hey look, it's your stop.” Gwen unceremoniously kicked Geoff off the boat and silently cursed that she didn't manage to drop him off in the giant toilet. She drove off and Geoff made his way to the spa hotel for a less than enthusiastic breakfast.

The day passed uneventfully. The campers spent all day waiting for Chris' call to action, but none came. Just as the sun was setting and the contestants figured they wouldn't have a challenge, Chris' voice sounded from the intercom. “Evening campers. Gather 'round the starting line for a _big_ announcement.” After some investigation, they finally found a newly painted starting line not far from the loser cabin and lined up according to their teams. Chris approached them wearing a domed, brown hat. “Good news you guys.”

“You're firing Chef?” Heather guessed.

Chris frowned. “Uh, no. As I was saying, it's time for a special treat: an extremely dangerous night time challenge!”

“How exactly is this good news?” Noah asked.

“Entertainment value, _duh_. This one is gonna be ratings gold. In a nod to season 4's buried treasure fiasco, your challenge is to race to the far end of the island.” As Chris said this, Chef wheeled in a bulletin board with a map pinned to it that drew out the route they were to take. “The first team to get every member across the finish line wins and someone from the losing team _will_ be taking the big flush. No cop outs this time. Speaking of which, if you find Duncan, tell him to get his butt back here so I can flush him already.”

“Sounds easy enough,” Geoff commented.

“Yes, it does,” Chris replied deviously. “But, tonight's full moon is an extremely rare blue harvest moon and let's just say it has an unusual effect on the wild animals.” He chuckled before continuing. “Generic Gophers, you won the last challenge, so you get a map with the fastest route across the island.” He brandished a map and the Gophers cheered. “Formerly Victorious Chump-dors, You get to wear nifty bacon hats and sausage tails which should add to the fun when you come face to fang with the island's friendly creatures. And by friendly, I mean hungry.”

Alejandro whispered to Heather. “If the Gophers have the map of the quickest route...”

“We should follow them!” Heather finished. She crossed her arms and smirked. “Good to see you didn't get dumber when you were trapped in a tin can.”

“This will be a piece of cake,” Sierra cheered. “With little sprinkles on top shaped like Cody's head.”

“I'll pass on that, thanks,” Noah said.

Chris blew an air horn to signal to the campers to go and they were off.

“We've so got this in the bag,” Jo assured her team. “I thought having a smaller team would be a disadvantage, but having fewer people means we can finish before they're even close.”

“It would help if we had won the last challenge and got a map,” Alejandro said.

“Yeah, if I find that Duncan, I'm gonna bash his face in,” Heather agreed.

“Not if I do it first,” Jo replied.

Hanging back a bit, Zoey asked Cameron how he was doing without his glasses. “Not so well. I can barely see anything.”

“I'll be your eyes for you, how about that?” Zoey offered.

“Thanks Zoey, you're such a good friend.”

“It's the least I can do after what I saw earlier.”

“What did you see earlier?” Cameron asked.

“I think Mike may have been the reason you fell,” Zoey explained.

“What? He would never do that.”

“He would also never shove me down and slam a door in my face, but that's what he did yesterday.”

“Do you think it was another of his personalities?” Cameron offered.

“No, it couldn't have been. Svetlana's a total sweetie, Manitoba's kind of sexist but he wouldn't hurt a fly, Chester's just cranky, and Vito is a real jerk, but he's not a violent jerk.”

“You sure know his personalities real well.”

Zoey shrugged. “I'm kind of dating Mike, so I should probably know the others too, you know?”

“Hey, stop slacking and start running,” Jo called back to them.

“Sorry Jo,” Cameron apologized. Zoey grabbed his arm and maneuvered him out of the way of a tree. “Thanks Zoey.”

Brick and Eva lead the Gophers, Mike and Geoff kept up at a steady pace, and Noah and Sierra fell behind. Noah because he was having trouble running and Sierra because she was admiring the big full moon. Suddenly, the moon started taking on a blue tone. “Hey guys, look.” Sierra pointed at the moon and her team stopped to see it turn completely blue.

Elsewhere, a bear had pinned a squirrel to a tree and was about to punch it when the moon changing started to take effect. The squirrel started mauling the bear, who screamed in agony. Animals all over the island behaved completely different from how they usually would. Bears snuggled up to cameramen and usually mild mannered birds dive bombed interns. The most terrifying part about it was the horde of bunnies now baring fangs and roaring like vicious little lions.

“Huh.” Mike said. “Well, let's keep moving. I don't see any changes yet.”

Noah sighed at what he was about to say. “I actually agree with you for once, and I don't want to see any changes, so let's get moving.”

Everyone moved on except for Mike, who gasped and changed into Mal. He caught up to the group quickly, but was stopped in his tracks when a tree branch hit him right in the face. He fell with a cry, which alerted Brick to his situation. Brick ran to his side. “Mike! Mike, are you okay?”

Mal sat up and rubbed his head. He did his best to hide his deeper voice and scowl when he said, “Ow...Where am I? ...Who am I?”

“Oh great,” Noah rolled his eyes. “The middle of a challenge is a _great_ time to get amnesia. Thanks Mike.”

“This isn't good,” Brick fretted. “Come on, Mike. Run with us and we'll catch you up along the way.”

“Perfect,” Mal said, still posing as Mike.

* * *

 

“Night time is the best time for me,” Mal explained. “When Mike gets tired, he has a harder time holding us back. Luckily, I've slept plenty so I should be able to keep control all night, which is just long enough to pretend to have amnesia so I can figure out everything that's going on in Mike's life. And once I have that, I'll make sure everything in his life goes wrong.”

* * *

 

With the Condors, an alligator approached them, but instead of snarling and snapping its jaw, it wagged its tail and looked at them innocently. “Um, since when do gators do that?” Jo asked suspiciously.

“This moon is like no other,” Alejandro pondered.

“Maybe it's causing the animals to act like their opposite,” Cameron proposed.

“Wow, you're both so smart,” Heather praised. “Especially you, Alejandro.”

“ _Excuse me?_ ” Alejandro was so caught off guard by Heather's compliment that he nearly lost his balance.

In response, Heather kneeled down and hugged the alligator. “Aw, you're such a cutie wutie, yes you are!”

Alejandro shivered and everyone else looked on in horror.

* * *

 

“I've never seen Heather be so sweet and kind.” Alejandro hugged himself. “It's terrifying!”

* * *

 

Brick tried to explain to who he thought was Mike what all was going on, but he never got far before another angry bird flew at him with intent to kill. Sierra tried to protect everyone, but ended up struggling with the birds just as much as everyone else did.

“So you're saying I'm Mike and I've got multiple personalities?” Mal asked, still pulling a very convincing Mike.

“Yeah, and—watch out for that bird!” Brick ducked and a bird smacked Noah in the face.

* * *

 

“Ugh, that Brick numbskull is no help,” Mal complained. “He's just telling me about Mike and everyone else in here. I need to know about what's going on already.”

* * *

 

The Condors had moved on from the gator and were now facing down the drove of snarling rabbits. Everyone ran away except for Jo, who faced them down. “I'm not gonna be taken down by a gang of bunnies. Who do you think I am?” In response, several bunnies jumped her and she screamed. “Help! I'm being taken down by a gang of bunnies!”

The Gophers had similar, yet avian problems. An angry duck quacked menacingly at Geoff, who backed off, trying to calm the beast, and a ticked off bird Narrowly missed taking Eva's ponytail off. “This is ridiculous!” She roared, trying to scare off her pursuers, but only scaring her teammates.

“Okay,” Mal said. “Let me get this straight, I'm on this 'Total Drama' thing and I'm trying to win a million dollars? Why?”

“I don't know why,” Brick said. “Everyone's here for different reasons. You haven't won yet, but you have made a lot of friends.”

“Friends,” Mal said, finally getting to something he didn't know. “Yes, tell me about friends.”

“Well, I'm one of your friends, and then there's Geoff and Cameron and Zoey.”

“Zoey!” Mike shouted. He was Mike again for a split second before Mal resumed control. He scrambled to cover up Mike's outburst. “Uh, right, that name sounds familiar. Tell me more about her.”

* * *

 

“Mike has a girlfriend, eh? And it sounds like she's his motivation. As long as she's around, I'll have to fight Mike for dominance, and we can't have that.”

* * *

 

Sierra's bacon hat got knocked off by a particularly violent ramming from a pigeon and the birds attacking the Gophers were momentarily distracted by trying to get to the meat.

“Is everybody okay?” Geoff asked. Everyone chimed in with confirmation that they were alive except for Mal, who asked Brick who the blonde guy was.

“That's Geoff. He's a really kind person,” Brick explained. “You can always talk to him. He likes you.”

“Good to know.”

“Noah over there, does not, so don't try to get through to him.” Brick pointed at Noah to demonstrate.

“Also good to know.”

Brick motioned toward Sierra. “If there's anything else you'd like to know, ask Sierra. She knows everything about anything Total Drama.”

“Thanks Brick,” Mal said. “You're a real pal.” He slapped Brick's back, which caused him to wince in pain.

Eva was on them immediately. “Are you hurting your teammate?”

“No, no!” Mal raised his hands innocently. “I don't mean to, anyway.”

“At ease, soldier. I'm okay,” Brick assured Eva. “Now move along.”

The Condors ran from the bunnies with Jo leading the charge. “Hurry up, Heather! There's no time to lose!” Alejandro called back.

Heather was cuddling a bear and, upon being called away, cheered. “Yay! I love running!” She caught up quickly and started cheering everyone else on. “Good job, everyone. We must be half way there by now. This is fun!”

“Okay, this is sufficiently weird,” Zoey said.

“I know, why is Heather being affected by the blue harvest moon?” Cameron asked.

“Maybe she's part wolf,” Jo suggested. Zoey and Alejandro laughed at her joke before continuing. Cameron tripped over a rock he didn't see and went rolling down a hill.

“Cameron!” Zoey called.

“We don't have time.” Jo stopped her from going after Cameron. “Four-Eyes will have to find the way by himself.”

“But what if he can't before the other team finishes?”

“Maybe Chris will allow it if one of our team gets eaten before finishing,” Alejandro suggested. Zoey glared at him before Jo pulled her along.

Cameron landed and rubbed his head. “Ow. Sorry, I lost my footing. Zoey? Jo? Guys? Where are you?” He got up and looked around, confused. He heard a rustling in the bushes and turned around. “Anyone? Who's there?” In his blurred vision, he saw a little grey shape. He realized it was a bunny and smiled, unaware of the danger it posed. It snarled at him like a panther and he screamed. “Help!” He ran from the bunny, which had called reinforcements, and Chris watched this from the safety of the producers' tent.

“Who will make it to the other side of the island and who's about to become a serving of teen cuisine? Stay tuned to find out, right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Cameron was backed up against a tree, a pack of vicious rabbits staring him down. He screamed for help, but the only response he got was a bunny ready to pounce. It leapt at him, but before it could rip him to shreds, Zoey swung down on a vine and grabbed Cameron by his hood. They landed a safe distance away and Cameron breathed a sigh of relief.

“Whew, that was close.” Zoey wiped the sweat from her brow. “You okay there, Cam?”

“I'm good, thanks. Where's everyone else?”

“They went on ahead. I might have slipped away so I could come get you.”

Cameron sighed. “I see. So they don't really care what happens to me then, huh?”

“They'll care if they want to win,” Zoey assured him. “Now let's get going.”

The rest of the Condors found a rickety old bridge that looked like it was barely being held up on the puny ropes that supported it. “There's no way we're making it across that thing in one piece,” Jo said, staring at the deep chasm spread out before them.

“We have to try,” Alejandro replied. “And if the bridge falls, Zoey can probably swing us across with her herculean strength and amazonian skills with a swinging rope. That's not even to mention her Olympian beauty. Right Zoey?” Everyone turned to face Zoey, but they found nothing where they thought she would be standing.

“Zoey?” Jo called. “Oh dang it, she went back for the nerd! I knew this would happen if we didn't keep an eye on her.”

“Zoey!” Heather called cheerfully into the darkness. “Come back! We miss you!”

Alejandro shivered before stopping Heather from being nice again. “It's no use. We'll have to cross it without her.”

“Well, fiddlesticks.”

* * *

 

“Fiddlesticks? _Fiddlesticks?_ Where's the part where she gets on my case for complimenting another woman so much? This is not the Heather I know and lo—uh, loathe. That's it. Loathe.” Alejandro blushed before finally deciding it would just be best to leave the confessional.

* * *

 

Zoey lead Cameron through the woods by holding his hand and maneuvering him out of the way of trees and fallen branches and other miscellaneous dangers. “So, any idea where we are?” Cameron asked.

Zoey looked around, biting her lip. “No, not really.

“Wait, you're lost?”

“Maybe a little bit.”

“How can you be lost? They couldn't have gone that far without us.” As Cameron spoke, his voice became louder and louder. “We're going to die out here!”

Then, a voice sounded from the nearby bushes. “Cameron? Is that you?”

“That voice...Brick!” As Brick came out from the bushes, Cameron rushed to him and gave him the tightest hug his frail frame could manage.

“Uh, hi there Cameron. And you too, Zoey. Are you guys lost?”

“Maybe a little bit...” Zoey admitted. Then, Mal emerged after Brick and her eyes widened. “Mike!”

She ran to Mal and took him in the tightest hug she could give, which was considerably more powerful than Cameron's, so it nearly snapped the boy in two. Mal gasped and Mike emerged again. “Zoey! Hey, uh, couple questions. First, where are we? Two, how did you get here?”

“We got separated from our teams,” Zoey explained. “Can we travel with you for a little bit?”

“Absolutely not,” Noah snapped, revealing that he, Geoff, Sierra and Eva were right behind Brick and Mike.

“Oh, why not?” Mike asked.

“Don't you why not me, you soggy lampshade. They're on the other team, they'll sabotage us.”

“I agree with Noah,” Eva chimed in. “They'll only get in our way. We already have the disadvantage of having more people that have to finish, and now you're saying we should help the other team too?”

“Come on, please?” Cameron begged. “We're lost and I broke my glasses, so I can't see. We'll never get out of this forest alive.”

Mike frowned at Eva and Noah. “Maybe we should take a vote. It would be the democratic way to settle this.”

“Democratic? We're in Canada!” Noah argued.

“I vote we take them,” Sierra said.

“Me too,” Geoff agreed.

“As do I,” Brick added. “No soldiers get left behind.”

“And I do too. You're out numbered.” Mike crossed his arms and smirked at Noah.

Noah rolled his eyes in frustration. “Whatever. Do me a favor and staple all your fingers together.”

Mike narrowed his eyes and became Mal again. “How rude,” Zoey commented.

“Apparently that's how he is,” Mal shrugged, hoping desperately that Mike didn't say anything to give away his ruse.

“Apparently?” Zoey asked.

“Mike hit his head pretty hard,” Brick explained as if he was Mike's doctor. “He can't remember a thing. Except you, apparently.”

“What can I say?” Mal giggled nervously. “You're uh, pretty hard to forget.”

“Aw, how sweet,” Zoey said taking Mike into another hug.

* * *

 

“I am so lucky that nincompoop didn't give away my plan. Now I know that she's his biggest trigger. On the one hand, he doesn't seem to see her much if she's on the other team. On the other hand, if I don't get rid of her before this 'merge' Brick told me about, I'll never be able to keep control over Mike. “

* * *

 

“Come on guys,” Heather encouraged her team with the slightest waver to her voice. “There's nothing to be afraid of...”

“Except you,” Alejandro mumbled.

“Maybe someone brave should cross it first to make sure it's safe.” Heather intended for this to call Alejandro to action, but Jo jumped at the chance to prove herself.

“I'll do it!” She sprinted across the bridge, being careful to dodge the odd large space in between boards. She slid to a stop at the other end of the chasm and turned around. “It's safe,” she yelled back. Then a chattering sound caught her attention. She turned to see a beaver lounging on a tree stump. “Um, are beavers usually nice, or usually evil?” She shouted back at her teammates. In response, the beaver latched onto her wrist, gnawing at her skin. She howled in pain and backed up, getting dangerously close to plummeting down the side of the cliff. She managed to knock the beaver off her wrist, but the beast found its way to the rope holding up one half of the bridge and angrily gnawed that away before continuing to pursue Jo. The bridge collapsed, half of it being supported, the other half dangling over the hundred foot drop.

“Well isn't that just a downer,” Heather shook her head.

On the other side of the bridge, Jo ran around with the beaver now latched onto her leg. “Ow, stop! My thighs are not a chew toy!”

“Keep it busy,” Alejandro called to her. “Shall we go while the bridge is still somewhat up?”

Alejandro and Heather had to carefully balance themselves on the one rope holding up the bridge and scoot across, using the upper rope as leverage. Alejandro had an easier time of it, as he was having a much better time balancing on his hands than he would have on his feet. Suddenly, Heather slipped and screamed as she started to fall. Alejandro reacted immediately, grabbing her wrist before she could fall out of his reach. He lifted her back up and she smirked at him deviously. “I knew you still cared!”

* * *

 

“Sucker thought he could get rid of me with the silent treatment,” Heather bragged. “As _if_ the moon affected me. As long as I can keep him guessing, I'll always have the upper hand.”

* * *

 

“How dare she trick me! I should have let her fall. Augh, _stupido_.” Alejandro slapped himself in the face.

* * *

 

The two finally reached the end of the bridge to find Jo mercilessly beating the beaver against a tree. “Get off my leg you furry menace!”

Heather grabbed the beaver, ripping a hole in Jo's sweatpants, and held it up over the ravine. “Chew on this, you freak.” The beaver cut off the bridge's last ropes connecting it and it fell, making the canyon impassable.

“Now the other team can't use the bridge,” Alejandro said. “Good plan, Heather.”

Heather raised an eyebrow at Alejandro. “Oh really?”

Before he could respond, Jo smacked the beaver out of Heather's arms and down the chasm. “Yeah, but if Twiglegs and Amazon can't make it across the pit, the bridge is no longer an option, is it?”

“That's right,” Alejandro agreed. “Terrible plan, Heather!”

“Whatever,” Heather rolled her eyes. “She's crafty, she'll make it across. If they're still breathing, that is.”

Meanwhile, the Gophers plus Cameron and Zoey struggled to run from a bird and a group of very evil squirrels. “This isn't how I want to die,” Geoff sobbed as the bird latched onto his sausage belt. Eva grabbed it, undid it, and threw the belt and bird to the squirrels, where they all fought over who would get the food.

“Thanks Eva,” Geoff said.

“Let's keep going,” Eva said flatly.

Meanwhile, the Condors ran through the forest, Jo calling for Cameron and Zoey. “Where are those halfwits?”

“Maybe they're at the finish line already,” Alejandro hoped aloud.

In direct contrast to what he said, Zoey approached the fallen bridge and sighed. “Oh no, this bridge is out. How are we supposed to get across now?”

* * *

 

Mal growled. “Seeing Zoey stand over that pit made me want to just grab a branch and knock her over the edge. Curse that Brick for keeping such a close eye on me.”

* * *

 

Zoey and Sierra examined the pit before they both exclaimed that they had an idea. They high fived and laughed as everyone else looked at each other nervously.

* * *

 

“Nothing against Sierra,” Geoff started. “But when she has an idea, my first thought is that I should probably call an ambulance for Cody. Or the police.”

* * *

 

Zoey and Sierra stood in a tree with Sierra on the lower branch and Zoey on the highest one she could get on. Everyone else clung to the vine and dangled below them. “Are you sure about this?” Noah asked nervously.

“Of course,” Zoey said. “We've got you guys.”

“Just hold on tight and try not to think about it,” Sierra instructed. She and Zoey jumped off the tree and the entire team plus two swung across the gap. Everyone was screaming except for Zoey and Sierra, who let out battle cries.

On the other edge, instead of dismounting cleanly, they slammed against a tree and fell, unfortunately missing the side of the cliff. Sierra grabbed the land with her hands and held onto the rope with her teeth. Everyone screamed while she struggled to pull them up.

“Welcome to the finish line, Condors,” Chris greeted as the trio approached him. “Seems like you're still missing a couple of players.”

“Oh them?” Heather laughed. “We're pretty sure they got eaten by bunnies.”

“Darn shame,” Jo shook her head in false remorse.

Just then, the Gophers with Cameron and Zoey appeared over the horizon, scrambling for the finish line.

“Here they come,” Alejandro shouted. “Cameron, Zoey, hurry! You have to cross before they do!”

Heather scoffed. “They know that. They don't need you to narrate, Blah-lejandro.”

* * *

 

“She is so rude, so overbearing...I'm so relieved.” Alejandro smiled.

* * *

 

Eva saw that the rest of the opposing team were at the finish line, so she shoved Zoey back and made a mad dash for Cameron, who screamed and ran as fast as he could. Zoey stumbled, but Mal caught her and they ran for the finish line with locked arms.

* * *

 

“I really wish I could reasonably leave her back to lose for her team, but once again Brick-head wouldn't allow Mike to do that,” Mal grumbled.

* * *

 

Eva managed to bulldoze past Cameron, but he still crossed the finish line at about the same time as Geoff, Brick, and Sierra. Noah crossed, and then Mal and Zoey, with Mal not even inches in front. “Looks like both teams have finished!” Chris declared. The Condors wailed in defeat and the Gophers cheered. “What are you so happy for Gophers?” Chris asked. Everyone looked around confused. Chris approached Cameron and Zoey. “It looks to me like you guys were fraternizing with the enemy.”

“We got lost,” Cameron defended himself. “They just helped us.”

“Since you're blind as a bat, I'll allow it,” Chris dismissed. “Zoey, however, crossed the finish line arm-in-arm with Mike here. I am declaring Zoey a traitor to the Victorious Condors. You're a Generic Gopher now, sweets.”

Zoey cheered. “Yay, now I get to be on the same team as Mike!”

“Don't count your chickens before they hatch, Zoey,” Chris warned. “This, of course, means that Cameron crossed the finish line first and won the game for the Condors.”

Alejandro, Heather and Jo cheered at finally winning a challenge and the Gophers sighed at their second actual defeat. Cameron put a conciliatory hand on Zoey's shoulder before Jo called him back to his own team.

* * *

 

“Perfect,” Mal chuckled, rubbing his hands together.

* * *

 

Later, the moon was back to normal and setting as the sunrise started bathing the island in early morning light. The Gophers, with their new player sat on the chopping block while the Condors relaxed from the peanut gallery. “Okay, peeps,” Chris said. “Each of you is a loser in your own right, but the Condors won the challenge, so they've earned themselves another night of luxurious luxury at my spa hotel. Except for one, who will be spending the night on Boney Island.”

“I volunteer,” Alejandro called.

“Sure, I don't care.” Chris shrugged and Chef walked Alejandro to the boat piloted by Gwen.

“Tell Gwen I say hi,” Geoff called.

“In your dreams, amigo,” Alejandro jeered.

“Now it's time to send someone packing,” Chris said. “Now get to voting.”

* * *

 

“I wish I could vote for Chris,” Eva snarled. “We lost the game all because he decided to put Flower Power on our team! That lousy, no good, two-timing, scheming—”

* * *

 

“I'm voting for Mike,” Noah said as he scribbled out Mike's face without hesitation. “If it weren't for him, we would be in that spa hotel again. And I still haven't forgotten the limp noodle comment, you greasy freak.”

* * *

 

“Now before I announce who's going home, I must say I'm rather surprised. It's nearly unanimous.”

Noah smirked at Mal, who glared at him right back.

“Which is strange, because the camper going home is someone who was actually a very important player in tonight's challenge. Tonight's flush of shame recipient is Zoey!”

Everyone gasped. “What?” Noah demanded. “I didn't vote for Zoey.”

Mike resurfaced at this news. “Zoey? Why is she going home?”

“Nearly unanimous?” Zoey asked sadly. “So almost everyone voted for me...”

“I definitely did not vote for you,” Mike insisted. “This has to be a set up!”

“Sorry dude, I don't make the votes, I just enforce them. Zoey, time to take a ride.”

Zoey slumped and followed Chris to the giant toilet. “Say goodbye.” He instructed when she was in the bowl.

“Goodbye Total Drama. Goodbye Mike.”

Mike waved sadly. “I'm so sorry, Zoey. I'll win it for both of us, promise.”

“Thanks Mike,” Zoey called. “I love--” before she could finish, the toilet flushed and she disappeared into the bowl with a scream.

“There's no way everyone voted for her,” Noah insisted. “I voted for Mike. The votes were rigged, I tell you.”

* * *

 

Mal sat in the confessional with a triumphant look on his face. He revealed six pictures of Zoey's face, each and every one with an X through it. He let them fall into the voting box while cheerfully whistling “ _In The Hall of The Mountain King_.”

* * *

 

Chris approached the peanut gallery with the losing team. “Now before you retire to your cabins, I have a surprise announcement to make. I thought it was a little unfair how the Condors are down a member, so as of right now, Eva is a Victorious Condor.”

Brick gasped. “What? She is?”

“You got it, bro,” Chris confirmed. “Now go enjoy another night at the spa hotel.”

Eva joined the Condors and nodded at them coldly. “Glad to see the two strongest girls are on the same team,” Jo said smugly. “Now we'll never lose another challenge.”

Eva smirked. “I guess you're right.”

“Bye Eva,” Brick waved sadly. “I hope we can still be friends.”

“I'm not your friend,” Eva snapped.

Brick looked dejected and Chris laughed. “Oh, harsh!” He turned to the cameras. “Do you think they've had enough punishment? Yeah, me neither. Find out who's next to take the plunge when we return with another all new episode of Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	6. No One Eggspects the Spanish Opposition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The teams must steal eggs from the terrifying mutants from season 4. Alejandro's on the chopping block for something he didn't do. Can he pull through and save his butt from elimination? If he can't, can he convince his team he's innocent? And why is Sierra crying?

“Last time on Total Drama All Stars: the island was bathed in a rare blue harvest moon that turns normally sweet creatures into pure evil. Totally unsafe to be out after dark in _that_. So obviously, I made it a night challenge! As they raced, Heather pretended to be affected by the moon, while Cam, his broken specs, and Zoey got ditched by their teams. Mike revealed he has a surprise evil alternate personality, who pretended to have amnesia so he could learn all of Mike's weaknesses. In the end, when the Condors won due to Zoey switching teams, the newly reawakened Mal rigged the vote and sent her packing before she could even appreciate being on the same team as the dude who sent her home. In a final twist, our infamous bruiser loser Eva was traded over to the Condors. But that was then, and this is now, and we can't stop it so we gotta top it! Right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Cameron sat at the dinner table at the spa hotel and sighed as he tried to repair his broken glasses. “I don't know why you bother,” Jo told him as she jogged laps around the table. “Without Weird Flower Power here to carry you through the challenges, you won't last another day here.”

Cameron sighed. “Oh, you're right.”

* * *

 

“If we ever lose another challenge, Four-Eyes goes home!” Jo cheered. “Unless he can't fix his glasses. Then he's Two-Eyes. Still, he's out.”

* * *

 

Eva sat down next to him with a plate of pancakes and scoffed. “Obviously.”

Jo skidded to a stop next to Eva and rested her elbow on Eva's shoulder. “I'm glad to have you on the team, Ponytail. Finally, another girl who thinks like me. We're gonna rock this competition!”

Eva smirked. “Yeah, with me, your losing streak might finally be over.”

“Yeah!” Jo pumped her fist into the air. “Okay, now I need to see if Queen Mean is out of the bathroom so I can use it. Catch ya later, new team mate.” And with that, she jogged off.

“I thought she'd never leave,” Eva said. She reached into her pocket and produced a small twist tie. She placed it on the table and slid it over to Cameron.

“What's this?” He asked, squinting at it.

“It's a twist tie. It'll keep your glasses together,” Eva explained.

Cameron grabbed it and tied it around the broken bridge of his glasses. He put them on his face and smiled. “Hey, it works! Thanks, Eva.”

Eva slammed her fist on the table and pointed at him menacingly. “If you tell anyone I helped you, you'll wish you never met me, got it?”

“Uh, got it. But why did you help me if you don't want anyone else knowing?”

“Because you're the one on our team with the most book smarts and if you can't see, we're screwed. Just remember you owe me one.”

* * *

 

“Last time I owed someone something was last season, and Jo made my life miserable. I sure hope Eva has somewhat of a heart if I'm gonna be returning her favor later.”

* * *

 

Heather walked by and laughed at Cameron. “You look even nerdier than before. I didn't think it was possible, but here you are doing it, so...”

Cameron looked down sadly, while Jo came running back. “That's rich coming from you,” She scoffed, having overheard her insult. “Without Ale-Handwalker around, you look as lost as a puppy.”

“I do not,” Heather spat. She crossed her arms and rolled her eyes.

“Why did he even go to that stupid island anyway?” Eva pondered aloud. “If his legs aren't working, how's he gonna stash the invincibility statue if he finds it?”

“Don't know, don't care,” Heather shrugged as she turned to walk away. “Also, don't talk to me you over-muscled freak.”

Eva glared at Heather and made a move to beat the crap out of her, but before she could get up, Jo put her hand on her shoulder. “Calm down. Beating up our own team mates won't get us anywhere. As much as I hate to say it, we need her. For now.”

Eva growled. “Fine, but next time we lose, she's going home.”

“Obviously.”

Mike sat on the steps to the loser cabin and sighed deeply while the rest of his team watched from the deck. Geoff and Brick pulled Sierra and Noah into the boys' room to call a team meeting.

“Why am I in the boys' room?” Sierra asked. “Isn't this breaking the rules?”

“You guys need to listen here,” Geoff started. “Mike's super bummed about Zoey leaving and we need him to feel better.”

“Why?” Noah asked. “It's not like he's contributing anything except making our team uglier.”

“Hey now,” Brick protested. “Mike may not seem like much, but inside, he's got the heart of a champion and he could go all the way.”

“So why not boot him out the first chance we get?” Noah suggested.

“Not happening,” Geoff insisted. “Until the merge, we need to depend on each other, and Mike's alternates can give us huge boosts in the competition.”

“I agree with Geoff,” Sierra said. “Without Svetlana or Manitoba, we wouldn't have gotten as far as we have.”

“A great lot of help that did us,” Noah scoffed. “Even with all our wins, we're now even with the other team as far as players go, and now they have Eva. She was our strongest competitor by thirty miles.”

“Which is why we need all the firepower we can get,” Brick reasoned. “So we need someone to try to cheer Mike up.”

Noah looked at Geoff and he shrugged. “Hey man, I tried. He wouldn't listen to me.”

“Or me,” Brick said.

“I'll do it,” Sierra volunteered. “I can make Mike happy again.” She rushed out and took a seat next to Mike. “Hey Mike, how's it going?”

In reply, Mike sighed heavily.

“Not good, huh? Well I know how you feel, losing a loved one to the show.”

“You do?” Mike asked.

“Absolutely! As you may know, back in season three, episode twenty-three, I was kicked out for making a couple of mistakes.”

“Didn't you blow up the plane?” Mike asked.

“Details, details,” Sierra waved it off as she continued. “But being kicked off the show meant I couldn't compete with my Cody-kins! I mean, I still helped him get to Hawaii in episode twenty-five, but after that, we were separated by the cruel hand of fate. I know it can be hard, but if Cody can do it, so can you. Then again, Cody didn't really spend much time being sad about me leaving...” Then she gasped. “Did he not care? Was he happy to see me gone? Oh no!” She burst out into tears and Mike flinched at her outburst. Hearing her sobbing Cody's name over and over brought Geoff outside, and he dragged her back into the boys' room.

“Well that didn't work,” Brick said. “That leaves one person to try to cheer him up.”

Everyone looked at Noah and he raised his eyebrows. “Are you serious? I hate the guy! How am I supposed to cheer him up?”

“You gotta try something,” Geoff pleaded.

Noah rolled his eyes. “Fine, but when things go bad, you have no one to blame but yourself.”

Noah reluctantly sat down next to Mike and he sighed once again. “Not now Noah, I'm not really in the mood to fight with you.”

“Why? Are you sad your girl left?” Noah asked. In response, Mike simply nodded. “I don't see why. You weren't on the same team as her most of the time and if she did stay, you two would just end up fighting each other for the million anyway.”

“We would have split it,” Mike weakly offered.

“That would have made it even more boring if you both got as far as you wanted to. Besides, she isn't even worth your time in the first place.”

“She is so worth my time.”

“Hardly,” Noah laughed. “She's about as interesting as a wet paper bag.”

“You take that back!” Mike shot.

“Listen to me name the character traits of a wet paper bag. First, it's wet. Second, it's made of paper, and three, it's a bag. Now name that many things about Zoey.”

“Well, she's pretty, she's strong, and—”

“Let me guess,” Noah said sarcastically. “She has a great personality.”

Mike frowned. “Why don't you go bother someone else?”

“I thought you'd never ask.” And with that, Noah walked away.

* * *

 

“I am so sick of that guy! If the votes last time weren't rigged, I'd totally be rid of his sorry behind by now.”

* * *

 

Mal cackled gleefully. “Now that Zoey's gone, Mike's motivation to resist me is slowly withering away. It's only a matter of time before total control and one million dollars are all mine.”

* * *

 

Alejandro wandered the shores of Boney Island on his feet, looking under rocks and digging up handfuls of sand in search of the invincibility statue. “It must be around here somewhere,” he thought aloud. Over the horizon, he spotted Gwen's boat speeding toward the island to pick him up. “Darn, looks like I'm not finding it tonight.” He then groaned. “And I have to stand on my hands once again. This handicapped charade is so hard.”

Back on the island, the campers heard an air horn echo loudly, followed by Chris' voice once again being broadcast over the speakers. “Get your butts to the dock, campers. It's challenge time!” Once everyone had gathered, he explained further. “Welcome all. Today's challenge involves a trip to the _Fun Zone_!” He produced a party popper and popped it.

Sierra jumped up and down and clapped happily in response. “Yay! I gotta blog about this.”

“What's the catch?” Jo asked warily.

“Is the fun zone just a building that's on fire?” Heather continued.

“Nope,” Chris assured them.

“A pit full of intestines?” Eva suggested.

“Wouldn't that be fun? You've had it kind of rough lately so I figured...okay, the _lawyers_ figured you deserve a treat. But, if you'd rather do something else...”

“No!” All the campers said in unison.

“Fun Zone it is!” Chris walked to the edge of the dock just in time for Gwen to pull up with Alejandro on board. “Oh, here's our ride.” He pushed Alejandro back on the boat and boarded. “All aboard!”

Once everyone was on, Gwen turned the boat around and headed off.

Mal elbowed Cameron softly and spoke to him in his Mike voice from the last challenge. “Psst, hey Cam.”

“What is it, Mike?”

“I wonder why Alejandro took exile,” Mal wondered loudly.

“To find the invincibility statue?” Cameron supplied.

“Or maybe to escape the backlash?” Mal suggested.

“What do you mean?”

“I think Alejandro rigged the vote last night.”

Alejandro glared at Mal. “Are you serious?”

“Alejandro wouldn't do that,” Heather said. “He may be a piece of smelly garbage, but he's at least honorable.”

“Unlike you in Drumheller?” Sierra asked with a giggle.

“Not the point, Sierra,” Heather snapped.

“Listen,” Alejandro said, bringing calmness to the situation. “Mike, is it?”

“Sure,” Mal said.

“Look, I know we don't know each other very well, and I don't want to get off on the wrong foot, so I'm going to leave it at this: I am a man of my word, and I promise to you that Zoey did not go home because of me.”

“I don't know,” Noah said. “It would be fitting of an eel.”

Eva frowned. “That's right, how are we supposed to trust you after all you did?”

“I hate to agree with someone half my size, but Mop Head and Eva are right,” Jo said. “And if you rigged one vote, what's stopping you from rigging all of our votes?”

Alejandro sighed. “Looks like I'll have to prove it to you somehow.”

* * *

 

“If I can get everyone to blame Alejandro for Zoey's elimination, I can get rid of the strongest player before I could have possibly imagined,” Mal mused. “And it's all thanks to a little thing I like to call mob mentality.”

* * *

 

Before a full blown argument could break out, Chris announced that they were arriving at their destination, turning everyone's attention to Boney Island emerging from the fog.

“The Fun Zone is on Boney Island?” Geoff asked.

“It works better as a surprise that way,” Chris explained.

They got off the boat and embarked on a hike through the woods. Heather scoffed. “I'd forgotten what a dump this island is.”

“Come on now, maybe someone will finally find the invincibility statue,” Chris said.

“If there is one,” Alejandro said.

“There is,” Chris insisted. “In fact, it's hidden _in_ the Fun Zone. And whoever finds it gets to keep it.”

Everyone cheered except Alejandro. “You mean to tell me you've been sending us on a wild goose chase this entire time?”

“Yeah,” Chris laughed. “It was funnier that way.”

The group found a large fenced off area with a brick and mortar medieval style section of the wall dedicated to framing the large steel door that looked more in place in a government testing facility. Balloons weakly hung on either side of the door. “Welcome to the outside of the fabulous Fun Zone,” Chris started. “Patent pending.” He grabbed a remote and clicked the button on it, causing the door to open. “Alright, let's move it people. Keep a steady pace.” The campers walked inside and observed the scary, rain forest-like area that greeted them. To either side of the door were giant bowls color coded to teams. Suddenly, the door slammed shut behind them with Chris on the other side. A television above the door flickered to life, showing Chris' smug mug. “You are now in the Fun Zone. AKA: the most dangerous place you've ever been. Your challenge is easy. Put eggs in a basket. Eggs here in the Fun Zone belong to all the terrifying mutants from season four, who will try to smash your bodies and eat you.”

“What's fun about that?” Geoff asked.

“Um, it's fun to watch?” Chris suggested.

“All we have to do is collect the eggs?” Alejandro reiterated.

“You'll be fine,” Chris assured them. They're just wild, mutated beasts trying to protect their unborn babies. How bad can it get? The first team with six eggs in their basket wins.”

“What if an egg hatches?” Brick asked.

“As long as you keep whatever hatches in the basket, it counts. And, as a special bonus, whoever collects the most eggs for the winning team gets a special reward. So, excited?” He frowned when Sierra started spacing out and decided to get her attention with a megaphone on top of his already projected voice. “Sierra!”

Sierra screamed and fell over, causing Noah and Mal to laugh at her pain. Once Noah noticed who else was laughing, he immediately stopped and crossed his arms.

“The red basket belongs to the Condors,” Chris explained. “And the green one, the Gophers. I'd wish you all good luck, but it's bad for ratings, so: I hope some of you get really hurt. Begin!”

Sierra instantly latched onto Mal's arm. “Hey Mike, wanna search for eggs together?”

Mal pushed her off of him and rolled his eyes. “No, not really.”

“Why not? Are you going to ignore me now? Are you going to treat me how Cody did when he ignored me?” Sierra started hyperventilating and dropped to her knees in a mess of tears.

Chris and Chef watched from just outside the Fun Zone. “Is there a psychiatrist on this island? You know, for emergencies?” In response, Chef shook his head. “This...is going to get ugly.”

Eva and Jo ran through the forest searching for eggs. “This is gonna be a piece of cake!” Jo celebrated. “Have I mentioned how excited I am to have you on the team?”

“Only a few hundred times,” Eva grumbled.

“Okay, sorry, I'll ease up,” Jo said.

“Thank you. Now let's kick some butt.”

Mike had resurfaced and was now moping around, not seeming to care about where he was or how he got there. Geoff found him and shook his head. “Dude, I know it's hard, but you gotta help us out here.”

“But Geoff, it's hard. I can't get Zoey out of my head. It's just that being around her makes me feel more like the me I wanna be wh—”

“Dude, I'm gonna have to level with you for a sec. I wasn't asking for your life story.”

“Sorry,” Mike said.

“Watch out!” Geoff pulled Mike into a bush just in time to avoid being detected by a giant mutant crab. “Okay dude, you're coming with me,” Geoff said once the crab passed. “I can't have you being such an easy target out here, okay?”

Mal emerged and rolled his eyes. “I don't need your help.”

“That's not what you were saying when you were spilling your guts earlier.”

“Whatever,” Mal growled as he reluctantly tagged along.

Meanwhile, Alejandro sat at the foot of a small cliff with a rock in his hand. On top of the cliff sat a large blue egg. He aimed carefully and tossed the rock at the egg. It bounced off, knocking the egg off balance and sending it falling down the cliff. Before he could catch it, Heather stepped in and caught it just above his hands. “Eggs-ellent work, Alejandro.”

Alejandro crossed his arms and looked at her angrily.

They made their way back to the bowl. “Heather,” Alejandro said. “Thank you for defending my honor back there.”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” Heather insisted. They arrived at the bowl and she placed the egg in gently. “And the first point goes to the Condors,” Chris announced. “Better get your butts in gear, Gophers.”

Heather and Alejandro started running away from the bowl, but Alejandro stopped suddenly. “Wait a minute. What's to stop the other team from taking eggs from our basket?”

“Integrity?”

Heather shook her head. “So, nothing.”

“I didn't make it a rule that they can't, so I guess they can.” Chris shrugged.

“You stay and guard the nest,” Heather commanded.

“You're the boss,” Alejandro replied as she ran away. Once she was out of earshot, he frowned. “For now.”

Brick peeked out from behind a bush and found the giant Venus Flytrap that terrorized several campers last season. It's mouth was wide open and its flower receptor was swaying slightly. “It's Larry!” He exclaimed. In Larry's hand was a large green egg. “And he has an egg? So I guess Larry's a Laurie. Interesting.”

Just then, Eva and Jo burst through a different set of bushes and rushed the creature. Jo grabbed the flower off of the newly christened Laurie's tongue and ran off, waving it wildly and taunting the beast. Laurie emerged from the ground and immediately gave chase, leaving behind the egg. Eva hefted the egg high above her head and ran back toward the basket. Jo spotted a flying moose and tossed the flower at it. The flower stuck itself to the moose's nose and sent Laurie chasing after it instead. Jo turned and ran back toward where they started. “Eat that, Soggy Shorts!” She shouted as she disappeared from where she came.

“Well that was an experience,” Brick said.

Elsewhere, Noah struggled to lift a rock by a bubbly swamp and when he finally did, found nothing. “Noah!” Sierra called from a few feet off. “Wanna work together?”

“Nope, rather not,” Noah said. “I don't want one of these things to vaguely resemble Cody and send you into a frenzy.”

“Why do you say that? Do you want Cody all to yourself? Do you?” Sierra was shouting now, sending Noah in the opposite direction.

“You and your followers wish,” he replied. From the swamp water rose a tentacle, which wrapped around Noah's ankle and dragged him under. After a moment, it threw him back out and he slammed into a tree. He fell to the ground and groaned in pain while the impact caused an egg to tumble out of the tree and land on his crotch. “Ow! ...Wait, I found one!” He grabbed it and slowly got up, fighting the pain the whole way.

Back at the team baskets, Jo and Eva rushed in with their giant green egg. Before Eva could drop it in the basket, it started rumbling. “Uh, oh...” Suddenly, it erupted into several tiny Larry's and Lauries. They scattered at Alejandro's hands and one wandering baby bumped into him before turning and joining its brethren. The wanderer, however, had a vaguely Chris-shaped head. Seeing this on the video feed, Chef gave Chris an odd look, to which Chris responded by whistling innocently.

Noah ran in and placed his egg in the basket, giving Chris a good opportunity to change the subject. “And the score is one all!”

Noah turned to find another egg, but stopped. “Wait, what are you doing here, Al?”

“Why, guarding our eggs, of course,” Alejandro responded, shivering slightly at the nickname.

“Are we allowed to steal?”

“He never said we weren't.”

“Then I'm staying here and guarding ours too.”

“Glad to have you here, friend,” Alejandro said.

“I'm not your friend,” Noah spat.

Sierra had somehow procured an egg and placed it in the basket, ignoring the cracks on it. “That's two eggs for the Gophers,” Chris announced.

Just then, the egg hatched into a bizzare naked mole rat that had blood red eyes and one head at each end of its body. It growled at Sierra and she cooed. “Aw, it thinks I'm its mommy!” She picked it up and smiled at it lovingly. “It's adorable.”

“Sure,” Noah said. “Why don't you stay here and guard it and the eggs while I go find some new ones?”

“Sure! A mother must protect her newborns,” Sierra agreed just as the bottom head vomited onto the ground.

“It's hard-boiled down to two eggs for the Gophers and one for the Condors,” Chris said. “But the challenge is far from over-easy. Who will win? Your guess is as good as mine. Stay tuned to Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Geoff and Mike had found Brick and now the three were looking for eggs together. “I don't know how you guys put up with a whole season of these weird monsters,” Geoff said.

Brick shrugged. “Well, as my daddy always said: what doesn't horribly maim or devour you makes you stronger.”

Mike nodded. “Hey, you're right. I'm sure if we stick together we can handle any—” Suddenly, a giant mutant gopher erupted from the ground and grabbed Mike's ankle. It pulled him to the ground and roared menacingly. Mike screamed and Brick sprung into action.

He grabbed a fallen tree branch and approached the gopher with a battle cry. “Let go of my team mate!” He swung the branch four times. The first three times, he accidentally hit Mike's head and finally smacked the gopher hard enough for it to retreat into the ground. In doing so, the gopher threw up a bunch of dirt and one blue egg, which Geoff caught mostly by accident.

“Dude, we found one! Let's go.”

“Great...” Mike groaned. “I'll be right behind you. Eventually.”

Meanwhile, Cameron had his arm elbow deep in a nest and was searching for anything round. “Slowly, slowly...” He coached himself. The giant mutant chicken that was sitting on the nest slowly became aware someone was near and opened all four of its eyes to look around. It spotted Cameron and growled. He screamed and ran away before it could open the gaping mouth on its belly to roar at him.

Meanwhile, Heather, Eva, and Jo dropped an egg each into their team's basket. “And the Condors are up four to two.” Chris said happily.

Heather wiped the sweat off her brow. “Whew, I need a break. I'll guard the eggs for a while.”

“As you wish,” Alejandro said before departing.

“So we can all agree we're voting for the Walking Hand, right?” Jo asked.

“Sure,” Eva said.

“What? No,” Heather protested.

Jo rolled her eyes. “Whatever Heather, it's your funeral.”

Heather scoffed and walked away angrily. “Hey,” Eva called. “You said you were gonna watch the eggs.” When Heather ignored her, she sighed and allowed Jo to go off while she watched them.

Moments later, Alejandro found Heather atop a small cliff. She was locked in combat with a flying goat with an egg in her arms. She narrowly avoided its fire breath and swung at it with a stick. “No need to rush to her aid...” Alejandro said smugly.

He turned and hand-walked off just as the goat knocked her off the cliff and she fell hard to the ground. The egg broke when it hit the ground revealing not a baby goat inside, but a wooden carving of Chris' smug face. “Oh, what have we here?” She said, picking up the statue. She quickly hid it behind a nearby rock and innocently started climbing the cliff again.

* * *

 

“I can't hold on to the idol.” Heather explained. “Someone's bound to see it. I'll stash it away for now and go back for it later.

* * *

 

She picked up a second egg from the goat nest just in time for Alejandro to come back. “Done being terrorized, I see?”

“How much of that did you see?” Heather asked, worried that he saw her find the idol.

“Only the part where you almost became medium rare.”

Heather jumped down. “Okay, good. I have a proposition for you.”

Alejandro raised an eyebrow. “What kind of proposition?”

Heather puffed out her chest proudly. “I just found a certain wooden idol that you desperately need.”

Alejandro gasped. “The immunity statue?” He hissed.

“Yeah, but don't bother picking my pockets. I've hidden it away.”

“I don't suppose you'll tell me where?”

Heather laughed. “Don't you worry your pretty little head. It's safe. But you're not. Look, everyone on our team has already decided to vote for you, so if we lose, you're done for.”

“And your proposition is...?”

“Make an alliance with me, and together we can make it all the way to the finale. You just have to promise to never ever vote for me ever.”

Alejandro frowned. “And why should I? You made that same promise and went back on your word.”

“Because if you do, I'll give you the invincibility statue when this challenge is over.”

“So you're saying you want to stop fighting and work together to get to the finale again?”

“Exactly,” Heather confirmed.”I just need your word.”

“And how do I know I can trust you?”

“Uh, hello? I'm offering to give you the statue. How much more valuable of a bargaining chip do I need?”

“Good point,” Alejandro said. “You have yourself a deal.”

“Great!” Heather smiled. “Now if we lose, you're in the clear.”

“Oh no, my dear. I don't think we're going to lose,” Alejandro said. He did a fancy flip and landed on his feet. “Because this Spaniard just got mobile.”

“How long have your feet been working?” Heather asked.

“Not for too long, now,” Alejandro answered. He held out his hand. “Now shake on it.”

“Shake on what?”

“Our deal. You will give me the immunity idol, won't you?”

“Obviously,” Heather took his hand and shook it. “Now let's go.”

“Wait for me and my pretty head,” Alejandro taunted.

“Zip it!”

Geoff put the egg he found in his team's basket and shortly after, Noah put in a tiny blue egg. “Good job guys,” Sierra praised.

“Has anyone seen Mike?” Geoff asked. “He kind of got separated from me and Brick.”

Noah shook his head. “Nope.”

Sierra had promptly stopped paying attention and was now “playing” with her baby mutant by bouncing it in her arms, which enraged it. “Oh, I know! I'll take a picture of you for my blog,” she said. She pulled out her phone and snapped a picture of it. The flash enraged the creature and it grabbed her phone with two of its four tiny little arms. It chewed the phone nearly in half and threw it to the ground, breaking it clean in two. Sierra gasped and dropped the creature, which bounded off. “My phone! No!” She screamed and fell to her knees. “How am I going to blog about this without my phone?” She screeched.

“That's four to three in favor of the Condors,” Chris announced.

“Let's go look for more eggs,” Brick said, trying to ignore Sierra's crying. The three guys ran off.

Outside, Chris looked at Chef while their monitor showed Sierra bawling. “You know,” Chris said. “Maybe next time, we should only bring back the sane contestants.”

Heather and Alejandro came upon a giant nest of many giant eggs. “Oh, this will work nicely,” Alejandro chuckled. “Help me carry this thing to the baskets.”

“You've got it,” Heather nodded nervously.

Geoff and Brick both dropped in more eggs, one for each of them. “Four to five, Gophers!” Chris called. “The Gophers only need one more egg, but I see a lot of eggs approaching...”

Geoff and Brick looked to see the huge nest Alejandro and Heather held above their heads. “Oh no,” Geoff said. “Mike or Noah better have found some eggs.”

Mal burst from the trees with a sly grin on his face and an egg in his hand. Seeing him sprint for the baskets, Alejandro and Heather sped up their pace. Heather pretended to trip over a root and feel to the ground with a scream. This caused Alejandro to lose his balance and struggle with keeping the eggs in the nest. He wobbled and nearly fell over, but made a dive and overturned the nest, hoping desperately that at least two eggs would land in the basket. Luckily for him, every single egg that was in the nest landed in the basket unharmed. “Seventeen to five! The Condors win!” Chris cheered. Everyone on the team cheered except for Alejandro, who rushed to Heather's aid.

“You can still walk, right?” Alejandro asked. “We don't want someone else stuck to handstands all season.”

“I'm fine,” Heather said.

“Then let's go get that statue, eh?”

“Right.”

* * *

 

“Shoot, I wasn't expecting Alejandro to have the invincibility statue for longer than one episode,” Heather revealed. “My plan was to force him to use it today and then vote him off next time. This could be a problem...”

* * *

 

They arrived at the site of the alliance being formed earlier and Heather looked behind the rock she hid the statue behind. “And it should be right...” She looked at where it should have been and found nothing.

“Right...?”

“Where did it go?” Heather demanded frantically. “It's gone!”

“It's what?”

“Someone must have stolen it. It was you, wasn't it?” Heather grabbed his shirt collar and glared at him fiercely.

“Hey now, I haven't left your side since I stood up. How could I have stolen it?”

Heather let him go and crossed her arms. “I guess you're right, but who could have stolen it?”

“I don't know, but let's get back to the entrance before they leave us here all night.”

* * *

 

Alejandro sighed. “On the bright side, I'm technically no longer obligated to _not_ vote for Heather. On the other hand, I don't have that invincibility statue and everyone still thinks I rigged the vote. I think it's in my best interest to keep Heather on my side. For now.”

* * *

 

Once everyone got out of the Fun Zone, Heather glared at Chris. “Did you take it?” She accused.

“I have no idea to what you are referring,” Chris assured her. “All aboard!”

The entire boat ride home was spent listening to the unending cries coming from Sierra. In an effort to drown her out, Mal whistled the same tune as last time, “ _In The Hall of The Mountain King_.”

“Hey, nice tune, Mike,” Brick said. “I'm quite a fan of that one. Grieg, right?”

“What did you just call me?” Mal frowned.

“No, I didn't call you anything. That's the name of the guy who composed it.”

“Yeah, sure.” Mal disregarded him and continued whistling.

* * *

 

“Something's off about Mike,” Brick said. “Normally he likes talking to me. Or is it something wrong with me? Oh no, what if I've become uninteresting?”

* * *

 

That night, the Condors sat in the peanut gallery. “You get to to stay this time, Al,” Jo said. “But the first chance I get, I'm sending you packing.”

“For the last time, I didn't rig the vote!” Alejandro insisted. “You must believe me.”

“Not gonna happen,” Eva said.

“Congrats on the victory, Condors,” Chris said. “Alejandro, since you tipped like, a billion eggs into your team's basket, you win a special prize that'll come in handy at the next challenge; but I'm keeping it a secret until then. I mean, why spoil the surprise?”

“Fair point,” Alejandro said smugly. “You're welcome, by the way,” he said to Jo.

“For what?”

“For winning us an advantage next challenge.”

Jo rolled her eyes. “Like we'll need it.”

“Okay Gophers,” Chris said. “Time for someone to go home.”

Sierra sniffled. “Can I get a new phone?”

“For the last time, no!” Chris snapped. “Now get to the voting!”

* * *

 

Noah angrily scribbled on a paper and showed the result, a picture of Mike with devil horns on it, to the camera. “This time, he's going home. No funny business.”

* * *

 

“I've tallied the votes,” Chris announced. “Tonight's flushee is...” Everyone looked at each other nervously as he picked out a picture from the stack of votes. He turned it around to reveal the camper who's picture repeated in his stack the most. “Sierra. You're getting flushed.”

Sierra fell from her stump and screamed at the top of his lungs. “No!”

“Yep. Let's get to that loo, shall we? But first, who's going to Boney Island?”

“But someone already found the immunity idol,” Heather protested. “Why is someone going?”

“Oh, have they?” Chris asked.

“Thanks for giving it away, Heather,” Alejandro said. “Now everyone knows it's been found.”

“Oops,”

“I'll go,” Jo said. “Because why not?”

“Because there's no statue in it for you, but thanks for volunteering anyway.”

Minutes later, Sierra sat in the bowl, probably having doubled the water in it with her tears. “But why?”

“Because you're annoying, that's why,” Mal snapped, letting his Mike voice falter.

“Whoa there, bro,” Geoff said. “Don't be so harsh.”

Mal rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

“Goodbye, Sierra,” Chris said as he sent her spiraling down the bowl with a scream. The extra water splashed over him and the Gophers. “Four Gophers and five Condors remain. Who's next to get thrown down the throne? Find out next time when we return with more Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	7. Suckers Punched

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Noah learns a little more about Mike's dark secret, the teams have to throw down in a boxing tournament against their worst fears which range from monsters to old campers and even to current campers. Can Alejandro triumph over someone who's been better than him at everything his entire life? Can Noah warn his teammates before it's too late? What the heck is Eva afraid of?

“Last week on Total Drama All Stars: the campers were treated to a day in the Fun Zone, where anything can happen _except_ fun. Heather found the hidden invincibility statue. Too bad an unknown individual found it after her; and after she used it to convince Alejandro to make a shaky alliance, too. Then, Sierra adopted a new...uh, pet. In the end, the Condors got the victory and one busted phone lead one hysteric Sierra to one Flush o' Shame. Can the Condors hold their lead and live up to their name? Or will the Gophers come back now that they're down one psycho? Will my breakfast get here before lunch? _Interns_? Find out right now on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Cameron watched Alejandro lounge in his bed, sitting up against the headboard and reading some magazine printed in another language. He probably got the butler to smuggle that in for him. Cameron knew this already, but was further astounded by Alejandro's ability to get anything he wanted out of anyone. “Alejandro?” He said nervously.

“What is it, my scrawny little friend?”

“I want to ask you something. And I want you to answer me truthfully, okay? And no half truths or anything. I want to know the whole truth.”

Alejandro put down his magazine. “You have my word, amigo. And Alejandro Burromuerto always keeps his promises. What can I help you with?”

“Is Mike right? Did you rig the vote to send Zoey home?”

Alejandro shook his head. “Trust me when I tell you that I would never cause an opponent to get eliminated in such an unjust way. Even if I were to stoop to that level, I have no quarrel with Zoey, so why would I send her home? I have a feeling your friend Mike is simply trying to cope with the situation by blaming someone else.”

“I did read that sometimes people cope with tragedy by creating a scapegoat they can blame their problems on,” Cameron allowed.

“Overall, I think he is taking it a little too seriously,” Alejandro said. “It's not like he cannot see her after the competition.”

“Yeah, sometimes Mike can get a little obsessed,” Cameron said.

“I noticed.” Alejandro stood up and stretched his legs. “Now let us go resolve our differences over breakfast, shall we?”

Cameron smiled shyly. “Thanks, Alejandro.”

* * *

 

“Maybe it's because I'm a sucker, but I actually believe Alejandro about this. I hope that doesn't come to bite me in the butt. Like the favor I owe Eva. Or the way I got Jo kicked out last season. Or...oh, I'm so done for.”

* * *

 

At the loser cabin, the now all-male Gopher team snacked on putrid, probably spoiled food. “Is toast supposed to be green?” Noah asked with disgust.

“Most definitely not,” Brick said, poking at his food. “Mine might have moved.”

“It's okay guys,” Geoff encouraged them. “We just have to tough it out for one more meal. After today, we'll all be in the spa hotel where we belong.”

“Not likely,” Noah retorted. “After today, there won't be any teams.”

“What are you talking about?” Brick asked.

“There are only nine players left,” Noah explained. “We have to merge soon.”

“You have a point,” Mal said in his Mike voice.

“Don't talk to me.”

“Okay, that's it,” Brick said. “You two need to stop fighting right this instant! I don't care if we're merging today, tomorrow, or yesterday.” He grabbed them both by their shoulders and shoved them into the boys' room of the cabin. “You two, make up. Pronto.” He slammed the door behind them.

“Isn't that a little harsh?” Geoff asked.

Brick shook his head. “Sometimes, you just need to lay down the law. If those two keep fighting like that, it will be a disaster.”

“I feel like it's less of them fighting and more of Noah just not liking him,” Geoff said.

“Well, apparently Noah did say Mike insulted him, but even if Mike or one of his others did, he's held that grudge for way too long. He needs to get over it or get out.”

Noah overheard Brick and sighed. “Okay, Mike, or whoever you currently are. I don't like you, and I'm sure you don't like me by now, but we need to resolve this issue before we both get voted out.”

Mal grinned. “Uh, huh. Are we really both in danger?”

“Uh, yea—”

“Because the way I see it, it's more of you being on the chopping block and me not doing anything wrong.” Mal was losing the Mike voice and Noah was getting alarmed. “You're just trying to pretend we made up so you can save your own butt.”

“Okay, listen here. I don't care if you're Mike, Vito, Chester, Larry, Curly, or Moe. I haven't done anything to deserve you being so rude.” Noah pointed accusingly at Mal.

Mal smirked and grabbed his wrist tight before pinning him against the wall. “Oh, you don't have to worry about them,” he said with a smirk. “I'm much more... _malevolent_ than any of those stooges.”

“Let go of me!” Noah demanded. When Mal refused, he grabbed his wrist and tried to pry his hand off.

Mal smiled wide and pulled away suddenly, resuming his Mike voice once again and letting out a fake cry of pain. “Ow, Noah! Stop hurting me!” He made sure he was heard by anyone outside the cabin, and within seconds, Brick burst in, smacking Noah with the door in the process.

“What's wrong, Mike?”

“Noah's hurting me,” Mal whined.

“I am not!” Noah insisted.

Geoff walked in with his arms crossed. “I don't think Noah could have hurt you that bad, dude.”

“You'd be surprised,” Mal sniffled. “First my girlfriend's gone, and now my dignity is. Thanks, Noah!” He sprinted out with a false whine and left Brick and Geoff to glare at Noah accusingly.

* * *

 

Mal cackled in delight. “Oh, man I missed being the one in control. Once that disgusting hairball is out of my sight, there goes the only one who has the common sense to be wise to my takeover. These other idiots are so easy to manipulate.”

* * *

 

Back in the spa hotel, Alejandro and Cameron were eating when Eva sat down with her food. “Hey nerd, hello Al,” She greeted.

“I would appreciate it if you didn't call me by that name,” Alejandro said through gritted teeth.

* * *

 

“Last night I dreamt about my older, smarter, better looking brother José.” Alejandro shuddered. “He always calls me Al, and I hate it! More than mutant fire beetles and conditioners that don't detangle.”

* * *

 

Before Eva could start a fight, they heard Chris' voice sweep over the island. “Good soon-to-be-painful morning, everyone! Head to the Chrisiseum, pronto! Today's challenge isn't gonna do itself.”

On the way to the coliseum with the stupid name, Noah pleaded with Brick and Geoff. “Guys, you have to believe me, he totally faked being hurt. Do I honestly seem like the kind of person to actually hurt someone?”

“Hardly,” Geoff scoffed. “But some of us seem to have changed.”

“I haven't, really!”

“Save it, soldier,” Brick said flatly. Noah gave up on talking sense into them and followed silently.

The campers arrived at the coliseum to find Chris standing in an old-fashioned boxing ring. “Welcome to Camp Wawanakwa Coliseum.”

“A boxing ring?” Heather asked. “Seriously?”

“B-boxing?” Noah and Cameron stuttered at once.

* * *

 

Cameron sat on the toilet scrawling hastily on a roll of toilet paper. “This is the last will of I, Cameron Corduroy Wilkins,” he said to himself as he wrote.

* * *

 

“Of course, the one time I get in trouble with the rest of the team is right before a physical challenge. If our team loses this, they have every reason in the world to send me home,” Noah griped. “Man, I am so screwed.”

* * *

 

Chef walked Jo into the arena and Chris waved at them. Jo's hair was kind of frazzled and Chef had a black eye. “Lookin' rough, Chef. Did you have a run in with a big bad baby squirrel over on Boney Island?”

“Not exactly,” Jo explained. “He came to get me and startled me, so I round housed him in the face.”

“That girl ain't right,” Chef said.

“Anyway, greetings players,” Chris said. “The recipe for today's disaster is a hardy helping of season one's No Pain No Gain challenge with a pinch of phobia factor thrown in for extra zing.”

“I'm not hungry, thanks,” Noah said.

Chris chuckled and exited the boxing ring. “Prepare to sink your soon-to-be-missing teeth into the Wheel of Misfortune.” He motioned toward a big wooden wheel divided into nine sectors. Each sector had a piece of paper with oddly shaped silhouettes taped to it. “The rules are simple: spin the wheel and go a full two minutes with whatever the wheel lands on. Win the match and earn your team a point. The fights will be judged impartially by Chef and myself.” As he said this, Chef approached the wheel wearing a sparkly pink dress and holding a steak to his damaged eye. “First team to win three battles is the champ. Now let's get ready to pummel!”

“Hang on,” Cameron called. “Where are the rewards you promised Alejandro yesterday?”

Chris sighed. “I was hoping you'd forgotten about that, but for being MVP in the last challenge, you don't have to box and the Condors get a point.”

Everyone except Alejandro cheered as an electronic scoreboard struck one up to the Condors. Alejandro shook his head. “No, I'd rather not sit this one out. This is my chance to prove myself, so I am officially giving my free point to the other team.”

“What are you doing?” Jo demanded. “You're giving them the head start we deserve!”

“Look at them,” Alejandro reasoned. “They won't get one more point, I guarantee it.”

Chris shrugged. “Okay then. Whatever, dude. One point for the Gophers!” The gophers cheered as the scoreboard traded the point between the teams.

“You better know what you're doing,” Eva said.

“Trust me. I do.”

“Even with your extra point, the Gophers still go first due to losing yesterday,” Chris said. “Who's rumble ready?”

Mal shrugged. “I guess I'll go first.”

“Oh, this will be fun,” Jo laughed. “Let's watch Beanpole get his face rearranged for two minutes. I'm so down.”

Mal rolled his eyes and set his hands on the wheel. He spun the wheel as hard as he could and while everyone was watching the wheel spin, Chris winked at Chef. Chef winked back and slyly stepped on a hidden button on the ground. Almost immediately, the wheel started slowing down until it landed on a large blob of a shadow. “Looks like your opponent is the giant mutated gophers from last season.”

“Wait, wh—” Mal got interrupted by Chef putting huge boxing gloves on his hands and throwing him into the ring. The floor opened up and three giant mutant gophers were brought up on a platform. A bell went off and the mutants pounced. Mal put up his gloves and swung a few warning punches, trying to get them to back off. “I'm not afraid of you...whatever you are,” he insisted. The gophers all piled on top of him before he could do much else and everyone cringed except for Jo and Eva, who laughed at his misery.

“The gophers win,” Chris announced. The team cheered, but Chris shushed them. “Not you Gophers, those gophers. No points for you guys.” With that, the creatures bounded off into the woods, leaving Mal beat up in the center of the ring.

“Should we go find them?” Chef asked Chris.

“Nah. They'll be fine, I'm sure. Next up!” Chris pointed at the Condors. “Your turn. You go...” He trailed off before finally resting his finger pointing at Heather. “Heather!”

“Oh boy,” Heather said sarcastically. “What am I gonna have to fight, a bird?”

“Not quite,” Chris chuckled as Heather halfheartedly spun the wheel. Chef once again stepped on a button and the wheel slowed to a stop over another very wide set silhouette. “Looks like you'll be fighting a sumo wrestler!”

Heather gasped and turned to the ring with wide eyes as a sumo wrestler wearing boxing gloves emerged from the floor. It was such a silly site that she would have laughed if she wasn't expected to face it down for two minutes.

“Didn't Heather say she was afraid of sumos all the way back in season one?” Alejandro pondered.

“Yeah,” Cameron answered. “And Mike told me once that he really doesn't like those mutant gophers.”

“What are the odds that they would both get such personal opponents?”

“Astronomical... I think I smell a rat.”

Alejandro raised an eyebrow at Chris. “I do too, small friend.”

In less than half a minute, the sumo wrestler had thrown Heather out of the ring and she landed in a heap next to Mal. “I can't feel my legs. Again. Ouch...”

“Another pathetic loss means it's still one to zero Gophers,” Chris announced. “Since you have more people and are losing by one, the Condors get to go next.”

“I'll earn us a point,” Alejandro declared. He helped up Heather and made his way to the wheel. He spun it smugly and before it stopped, Chris started talking.

“I was hoping you wouldn't take your advantage, to be completely honest. And we're about to see why.”

The wheel stopped on a blue silhouette of a tall, built person and Alejandro gasped. “Oh no! It can't be...”

Instead of rising from the ground, Alejandro's brother José appeared in a flash of pink smoke. He stood confidently, with his boxing gloves on his waist and his blue dress shirt half unbuttoned so the world could see his chiseled pecs. Everyone gasped.

“ _Mi hermano_. José!” Alejandro glared fiercely at his brother.

“Hoo, doggy!” Chris called. “Does Al have what it takes to stand up to his big bro? Or will baby fall down go boom? Find out after the break right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

“ _Buenos días_ , Al,” José taunted as the brothers got ready to duke it out. “You look tired and in need of exfoliation.”

“I exfoliate once a week,” Alejandro shot. “And the only thing I'm tired of is you.”

* * *

 

“I knew my dream was a sign! My whole life, he has been better than me at everything. Academics, sports, even personal grooming! Not this time. No, this time, José is going down.”

* * *

 

“Enough with the touching family reunion,” Chris yelled. “Start punching each other!”

They put up their gloves and José laughed. “ _Te voy a atar en nudos_ , Al.”

“Are you allowed to say that on TV?” Geoff asked Brick, who shrugged.

The bell went off and José swung. Alejandro blocked his punch and swung at him twice, missing by a wide margin both times. José backed off, throwing punches at Alejandro's chest as he did so.

“Why are they just going with body hits?” Eva asked. “That's so boring.”

“And weird,” Jo agreed.

* * *

 

“It is the family code,” Alejandro explained while admiring himself in a hand mirror. “Not the face.”

* * *

 

“Never the face,” José echoed, also admiring himself.

* * *

 

“Looks like the Condors are gonna be shut out again,” Chris said. “Or maybe should I say, punched out?”

Alejandro swung viciously and José dodged by jumping into the air and backflipping away. “Your technique is almost as embarrassing as the way your girlfriend with the unattractive personality burned you on national television.” He spread his arms to taunt Alejandro and laughed obnoxiously while Alejandro growled furiously.

While his guard was down, Alejandro rushed in and hit him hard in the gut. “This is for calling me Al!” José staggered back, taken by surprise and having the air knocked out of him. Al jumped over him, landed behind him and socked him in the back, sending him nearly tumbling forward. “That's for always hogging the bathroom mirror!” He hit him again. “That's for replacing my soap with the urinal cake.” José fell against the ropes and panted while Alejandro wound up for a destructive punch by windmilling his arms. “And _this_ , is for calling _any_ aspect of Heather _unattractive_!” He slammed into José with the force of a train and sent him flying all the way out of the coliseum. The bell sounded and he posed victoriously.

“Whoa!” Chris said. “And the Condors get a point. And even better, now we all know how Alejandro really feels about Heather.”

Alejandro got out of the ring and realized that Heather was indeed still present when she blocked his way to the rest of their team. Her arms were crossed and she had an eyebrow raised. “How did you know he was talking about me?” She asked.

“Didn't he say your name?”

“No, he said 'girlfriend,'” Heather replied, barely able to keep from smiling. Alejandro stammered and stuttered, trying to find a way to respond, but Heather finally smiled softly. “You jerk.” She gave him a quick hug and walked him back to their team confidently.

“And now we're tied at one all. Gopher time,” Chris called.

Noah sighed. “Well, I might as well get this over with before it comes down to me having to break a tie. Let me do it.” He spun the wheel and it landed on another tall, built silhouette. “That body...I know who that is! It's—”

From the ground of the boxing ring rose an old contestant who was completely shirtless and very pretty. He flexed, showing off just how good he looked and Eva had to resist swooning. “Say hello to an old classic of a camper: Justin!” Chris laughed fiendishly.

Noah narrowed his eyes at Justin. “We meet again, anti-me.”

“Okay, why the heck am I the anti-you?” Justin asked as Noah climbed into the ring. “It just doesn't make any sense.” The bell rang and Justin put his gloves in front of his face in a panic. “Before we start, just don't hit my face.”

“I'm going to hit you right in your stupid, smug face,” Noah threatened.

“Dude seriously, don't even try it. It's almost prime modeling time and I have like, five shoots to go to tomorrow.”

“I'm going to do it.”

“Don't do it!”

“I'm gonna do it!” Noah closed his eyes and swung for Justin, but Justin calmly dodged and knocked Noah out with one well timed punch to the face.

“I warned you dude,” Justin said.

* * *

 

“Courtney if you're watching this, call me,” Justin said with a wink and a corresponding flex of his pecs.

* * *

 

Mal laughed so hard he nearly doubled over. “Serves you right,” He jeered in his Mike voice as Geoff hauled Noah off the stage.

“Mike?” Cameron asked. “What are you doing? I've never known you to laugh at someone's misfortune before.”

“Uh, well, I mean he deserves it after he...hit me. Yeah. He hit me pretty hard. Nearly knocked me out.”

“That's terrible,” Cameron gasped. “Why would he do such a thing?”

“I don't know, but he's had it out for me since I got here.”

“Figures that worm would do that,” Heather scoffed.

“I never liked him for a reason, you know.” Alejandro nodded.

Eva rolled her eyes. “Oh please, Noah isn't physical at all. He wouldn't hit you even if he wanted to kill you.”

“Next, Condors.” Chris called. “Eva, come spin the wheel.”

“What's the point in spinning the wheel?” Cameron asked. “This is totally rigged!” Everyone looked at him skeptically and he rolled his eyes. “Think about it. Heather fights what she said she was scared of in season one, Mike fights gophers that almost ate him last season, Noah fights a very specific past player, and Alejandro fights his older brother. The odds are too astronomical for this to be random.”

“It does seem a little rigged,” Geoff agreed.

“More like a lot rigged,” Jo said.

“How about this?” Chris reasoned. “I guarantee that the next spinner will have a non-specific to their personal terror opponent. Okay?” He looked at Chef and shook his head. Chef sighed in disappointment as Eva spun the wheel so hard it nearly came off its hinges.

“Just watch,” Cameron said. “It's gonna be exactly what Eva's afraid of. ...If she's afraid of anything, that is.”

The wheel slowed down and finally stopped on a big green shadow shaped like a spider. “Or will it be what Cameron's afraid of?” Chris asked. Cameron screamed and jumped back.

“I thought you were over spiders,” Brick said.

As he said this, a giant purple spider fitted with boxing gloves rose from the ground. “That is not a spider,” Cameron said. “It's Izzy!”

The spider pulled off its head to reveal that it was indeed Izzy in the spider costume she wore in season four's horror challenge. “Greetings, spider food,” She said happily. Cameron screamed and hid behind Alejandro. “Wait, where's he going? You promised I'd be fighting him.”

Chris laughed. “Yeah, about that.” He patted Eva on the shoulder. “I kind of promised Izzy that if she could defeat Cameron, I'd allow her back on the show in his place. But since Cameron screwed it up, you'll be fighting her, capisce?”

Eva got into the ring and Izzy frowned. “Um, any chance you'd be willing to throw the match for the sake of team E-scope?”

Eva shook her head. “Not a snowball's chance.”

“Well darn.”

The bell rang and Eva sprinted at Izzy. Before Izzy could react, Eva grabbed her by the waist, hefted her high above her head, and threw the spider-clad girl as far away from the boxing ring as she could manage. “Wow, Eva got right vicious on that one. One more point for the Condors. One more and they win invincibility! Let's see if Cameron can net that immunity for them, eh?”

Cameron nervously emerged from behind Alejandro and approached the wheel. “With spider Izzy gone, I guess I can give it a shot. I'm still going to get pummeled though.” He spun the wheel and it landed on the slice Eva was supposed to get. This was a light blue shadow of a girl with a ponytail.

“Yeah, uh, we couldn't find anything Eva was afraid of, so we decided to throw in someone who's afraid of Eva. Meet another old contestant: Bridgette.”

The blonde appeared on the boxing ring and looked around fearfully. “Oh no here it comes. I'm not gonna be able to move for a week.”

“Bridge!” Geoff called.

“Hush!” Chris snapped. “Don't distract her.”

Cameron hesitantly climbed into the ring and waved at Bridgette with one of his huge boxing gloves that was bigger than his head. “Hi. You don't have to fight Eva. I made sure of that.”

“Hey, thanks! Cameron, right?”

“Yeah. Nice to meet you Bridgette.”

“Nice to meet you too, Cameron.”

Chris groaned. “Come on, fight already.”

“I can't fight Cameron,” Bridgette said. “He saved my life!”

“And I can't hurt Bridgette or else I think Geoff would have my head.” As Cameron said this, Bridgette blew a kiss to Geoff, who returned the favor.

“Fine then,” Chris snapped. “Then you don't get a point. Good bye Bridgette.” A hole opened up below her feet and she disappeared back under the boxing ring with a scream.

“Bridgette!” Geoff called. “You better not have hurt her!”

“Relax, she'll be fine. Probably. Why don't you blow some steam and come spin the wheel, huh?”

“Fine.” Geoff walked up to the wheel and spun it. Unlike the last spins, Chris signaled to Chef to rig this one, and the pointer landed on a tall, shapely shadow. “Hey,” Geoff laughed. “That looks kinda like a person.”

“That's because it is a person,” Chris said. “Specifically, a person you really really hate.”

Geoff gasped as he recognized the figure. “It can't be...”

From the center of the boxing ring rose another person who competed before. Her form fitting red dress seemed completely impractical for boxing and her bleach-blonde hair ran down her back in well organized cascades. Geoff glared at her. “Blaineley.”

Geoff jumped into the ring and assumed a fighting stance. “Hello, Geoff,” Blaineley said with disdain. “Long time no torture.”

“I'm not talking to you,” Geoff said. “I'm punching you.”

“What? Chris, you said I was coming back to judge a fashion challenge, not fight.”

“I lied,” Chris giggled. “Now fight!”

Blaineley started to protest, but Geoff quickly rushed at her and hit her so hard she fell to the ground with a pained squeal. Geoff stood over her and nodded. “That's what you get for season three.”

“And one more point for the Gophers, which means the teams are now tied at two all,” Chris announced. “I think it's time for the tie breaker fight. And let me tell you I have been looking forward to this match all day. I think we'll skip the pleasantries and send Brick into the ring.”

Brick got in the ring and put on a pair of boxing gloves. “Alright. Who or what do I have to fight?”

Chris smiled deviously. “Hm, I wonder. Who else hasn't fought?”

Jo raised her hand. “I haven't.”

“Bingo! For today's tie breaker match, Jo and Brick are finally gonna duke it out. No. Holds. Barred! Last one standing wins for their team. Begin!”

The bell rang and Jo ran at Brick with her fists flying. Brick did his best to dodge her punches, but a couple landed around his chest and shoulders. When he was cornered, he finally decided to throw a couple of punches, which were all blocked with the greatest of ease. “Jo, I don't really want to fight you,” Brick pleaded.

“Why not?” Jo demanded. “Stop being a pansy and fight back!”

“I want to put our feud behind us,” Brick said as he halfheartedly tried to hit Jo. “We already decided you're the better player. Now I just want to be your friend.”

“I'm not here to make friends, Yellow Pants. I'm here to win!” She socked Brick in the face and sent him sprawling. Before Chris could call the match, Brick stood up and glared at Jo intensely.

“Fine then. Have it your way.” He attacked her with a flurry of punches, one of which hit her face, sending her reeling back. She saved herself from falling and punched Brick right between the legs as hard as she could.

“Hey, no below the belt,” Chris called. “Brick gets a free hit.”

“What? Really?” Jo asked.

Chris laughed. “Of course not. Hit him wherever you want.”

Brick was on his knees, trying to fight the pain and stand back up. Jo stood above him, confident that he was done fighting. “Give up yet, Susan Friendship?”

Brick stood up shakily and prepared to swing. “Not a ch—” Before he could finish, Jo sent him to the ground with one final punch to the face.

“And the Condors win again!” Chris announced.

The Condors all cheered and in their celebration, Heather pulled Alejandro in for a quick kiss which shut him up. The Gophers sighed drearily while Geoff climbed into the ring to help Brick come to his senses.

* * *

 

“That's it,” Noah said. “I'm done for. Totally f—”

* * *

 

Later that night, the Gophers sat in front of the campfire and the Condors sat in the peanut gallery. Brick, Jo, Heather and Noah were nursing black eyes, Alejandro lounged with his arm around Heather, and Brick sighed deeply. “Hey man, you did your best,” Geoff said. “There's no way we're gonna vote you off.”

“Aw. That would be a sweet sentiment,” Chris chided. “That is, if you were voting anyone off tonight.”

“Is tonight a reward challenge?” Noah asked hopefully.

“Nope. Tonight, the winning team gets to choose who to boot off of the losing team. Won't that be fun?” Chris clapped his hands as everyone absorbed this information. “On top of that, the losers get to choose a winner to send to Boney Island. Now Condors, who's going home tonight?”

“I choose whoever Alejandro chooses,” Heather declared.

“I choose Noah,” Alejandro said.

Cameron bit his lip. “Well, if he does hate Mike as much as Mike says, it wouldn't be very nice of me to not vote for him. Being Mike's friend and all.”

“Sure, why not,” Jo shrugged.

Eva rolled her eyes. “Guys, this is the perfect opportunity to send Brick home. He's their best player.”

“Hardly,” Jo laughed. “I vote for Noah.”

Eva crossed her arms and growled. “Fine, don't listen to me.”

“The votes are in,” Chris said. “Noah. You're going home, buddy.”

Noah sighed. “Fine. Whatever.” He pointed at Cameron. “And if I were you, I'd stop doing favors for your 'friend.' He's not who you think he is. Beware the malevolent one!”

Mal frowned as Chris had Chef escort Noah to the Flush of Shame. “While Chef gets that set up, why not choose who's going to Boney Island tonight, Gophers?”

“Jo,” Brick said without hesitation.

“Yeah, Jo,” Geoff agreed.

Mal shrugged. “Whatever.”

“Jo,” Chris echoed. “Get to the dock. Gwen will see to it you get to where you need to go.”

Jo complied and moments later, the Gophers were watching Noah prepare to get flushed. “I warned the nerdy kid and I'll warn you too, army boy. Beware of Mike.”

“Before you go, we have a friend who will be taking the trip with you,” Chris said.

“What?”

Izzy (still in her spider suit) jumped into the toilet bowl and gave Noah a hug. “Hey there shrimp! Looks like two-thirds of Team E-scope is taking the toilet ride together! Trust me, it's super fun.”

“Oh great,” Noah said sarcastically. “Just what I've always wanted.”

Without another word, Noah and Izzy disappeared down the drain and sent a wave over the three onlookers in the process. “Big brothers, former competitors, and surprising twists. Can we top it? You better believe we can. Next time on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	8. You Regatta Be Kidding Me!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The teams are merged! To celebrate, Chris decides to pit the campers against each other for a good old fashioned, explosives laden race around the island. Alliances are formed and friendships are broken as Cameron and Brick discover the truth behind this mysterious Mal character and where he got Mike sent off to (hint, it's not juvie.) Will Cameron be able to stop Mal? Will anyone believe him that Mike is bad news now?

“Last time on Total Drama: A brutal teens versus teens versus mutants fisticuffs free-for-all proved beyond all doubt that these guys will do _anything_ for one million bucks. Even Eva who had to battle it out with former Team E-scope leader, Izzy. Not that she seemed to have a problem with that... In a surprising and _totally_ random turn of events, Alejandro had to duke it out with his older brother José and ended up wooing the girl of his dreams in the process, whether he meant to or not. The Condors were victorious and in a last minute twist, they got to choose which Gopher to send home and the Gophers got to choose who to ship off to Boney Island. So it was see you tomorrow, Jo and see ya never Noah. Only eight players remain and none of them are ready for how everything's about to change. Right here, right now on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Alejandro and Heather sat right next to each other at the dinner table in the spa hotel, one of his arms wrapped around her and eating delicious, yet nutritious waffles with the other hand. Heather ate her own breakfast and they would occasionally stop to whisper in each others ears and giggle.

Eva sat down at the other end of the table and rolled her eyes. “Are you two going to be that disgusting all day?”

“What's the matter, Eva? Are you jealous?” Heather asked.

“I'm starting to get jealous of Noah because now he doesn't have to see this garbage.”

“Disregard her cynicism,” Alejandro said. “We will be rid of her soon enough. Especially if she continues talking like this.”

Eva hurled her fork at Alejandro, who barely avoided losing an eye. “Shut up! We're in a competition where one person wins. _One_! Why don't you stop being disgusting and act like it?”

“Now now, Eva,” Alejandro said in his trademark calming, seductive tone. “You are absolutely correct in that it is a competition, but we have no reason to treat each other with any form of malice until it comes down to only us two.”

“So that's your plan. Hog another season all to yourselves.”

Heather shrugged. “It's not our fault everyone else sucks.” She and Alejandro shared a laugh and continued whispering and giggling to each other while Eva decided it would just be easier to eat in the girls' room.

* * *

 

“That's it. I don't care which one of them it is, but one of those lovebirds is going home. All I need to do is get Jo and the nerdy kid to agree with me. I think it's about time to cash in on a favor someone owes me.” Eva punctuated the sentence by cracking her knuckles.

* * *

 

Someone knocked on the door to the boys' room and Cameron scrambled to the door. He opened it to see Eva with her arms crossed and a smug grin on her face. “Uh, hello Eva,” Cameron greeted her nervously. “Can I help you?”

“Actually, you can. Remember that favor you owe me for fixing your glasses for you?”

Cameron gulped. “Y-yeah. I do.”

“Well it's time to pay me back.” When Cameron cringed, Eva held up a calming hand. “Don't worry. I just need to ask you one thing, and then we're completely even. Next time we lose a challenge, I need you to vote for either Alejandro or Heather.”

“Oh, I can do that,” Cameron told her, relieved that it wasn't anything too bad. “Who should we start with?”

“I'll talk to Jo about it and we'll decide right before the elimination ceremony.”

Cameron nodded. “Okay.”

Eva held out her hand. “Shake on it.”

Cameron took her hand and shook it. She gripped his hand so tight he doubled over in pain. “Oops. Sorry.”

* * *

 

“I sure am glad Eva doesn't want too much from me like Jo did. Even if it did cost my hand, I'd be happy to help her eliminate Heather or Alejandro. They scare me.”

* * *

 

Mal sat on the confessional toilet stroking his chin thoughtfully. “With that loud mouthed know-it-all finally out of the way, maybe now I can focus on getting rid of the real threats. I'm thinking Alejandro or that Heather girl. Getting rid of one of them would obviously throw off the other one and if you add that to Mike, that will be two of my opponents acting like lost, neglected puppies. And I love lost, neglected puppies.”

Suddenly he gasped and Mike was in control again. “What...? Oh man, what day is it? How long has Mal been in control? This isn't good at all. I've gotta get control next time we see Cameron or Brick or even Noah or Sierra. I have to warn them that I'm not me! Well, right now I am, but that's beside the point. If I can't gain control again, it might be better if I just...leave Total Drama. It would be safer for everyone else.”

Mal regained control and shook his head. “Hm, I think Mike came out for a second. We can't have that happening again.”

* * *

 

“With Noah gone, we can finally focus on beating the other team instead of arguing with each other,” Brick allowed. “But what he said before he got discharged still bothers me. 'Beware the malevolent one.' What does it mean?”

* * *

 

“Attention campers,” Chris' voice rang out through the island with his usual commanding yet cheerful tone. “Please gather out front. I have a big announcement to make.” Everyone gathered, including Jo, who Eva pulled to the side.

“Jo, you've gotta help me out here.”

“Sure thing Eva, What is it?”

“I need you to help me vote out either Alejandro or Heather. They're gonna try to get rid of all of us so they can get to the finale again.”

Jo scoffed. “Those two? The final two again? Not on my watch they aren't.”

Eva nodded. “Glad you agree.”

Chris ran in and pointed a megaphone at Eva's face. “Enough with the conspiring, Eva,” he screamed into it. In response, Eva yanked the megaphone out of his hand and smashed it, crumpling it into a little ball and threw it deep into the woods. “Touchy,” Chris said, feigning hurt feelings. “Anyway, I have a big announcement. Today, the teams are being merged!” Everyone gasped on cue and he chuckled gleefully. “That's right. From now on challenges are for individual winners only and everyone is at risk of taking the not-so-royal flush.” Suddenly his cell phone started ringing from inside his pocket. He pulled it out and squinted at it. “I have to take this. It's my stylist.” He clicked it and started nagging into it. “Yeah, how come my socks don't match my shirt?”

* * *

 

“That weasel!” Eva roared. “Before today, all I needed was for Cameron and Jo to agree with me and we could kick those two off. Now I have to convince everyone else to vote for them too. You'll pay for this, McLean.”

* * *

 

Ecstatic at finally being freed from the bonds of his team, Cameron sprinted over to Brick and Mal. “Brick, Mike, hey! Wanna work together?”

Brick smiled. “I'd be happy to form an alliance with you, cadet. Consider me your new teammate.” After he said this, Geoff patted him on the back.

“Hey man, I'm super stoked I got to be your teammate for a while there. I'm gonna fly it solo from here, but good luck with the rest of the challenges, man.”

“Thanks a lot,” Brick said with a salute. “Good luck to you too, my former brother in arms.”

Cameron turned to Mal. “So what do you say, Mike? Let's work together.”

Mal shrugged. “I dunno, Cam,” he said, continuing his Mike impersonation.

“What? Why not?”

“I'll think about it, how's that?”

Meanwhile, Jo grabbed Eva's shoulder. “Hey, wanna make an alliance?”

“For now,” Eva replied. “But only until Alejandro and Heather are gone. Once they're out of the picture, it is on.”

Jo smiled. “You got it.”

Alejandro smiled at Heather. “We are still a team, right Heather?”

Heather returned his grin with enthusiasm. “Of course. All the way to the end.”

Chris (now wearing a sailor's hat for some reason) paced around the group, nodding to his phone. “Yeah. Uh, huh.” He put his phone away angrily. “Guy thinks _I'm_ colorblind. As if! Anywho...” An intern wheeled a screen showing a map of the island into focus and Chris stood in front of it like a weatherman. “This week's challenge is a regatta around the island.”

“A re-whatta?” Geoff asked.

“A regatta? It's a boat race?”

“So why didn't you just say boat race?”

“Because I'm classy. First person to circumnavigate the entire island wins immunity and a night at the spa hotel. Don't worry, Chef will keep things interesting by providing some 'obstacles' for you.” Everyone cringed and he laughed evilly while the board behind him changed to a picture of an assortment of boats. “Some of the boats you'll find are seaworthy. Some are sinkarific. On top of that, they're all first come, first serve starting...now!” The intern fired a blank into the air and the campers scrambled for the docks.

As Eva and Jo ran, she urged Jo to sprint ahead. “You can sprint like no one I've seen so I'll hang back while you go get us the best boat you can find.”

Flattered, Jo nodded in agreement. “Good plan. I'll see you there!”

She rushed off and Alejandro turned to Heather. “I'll go on ahead. Just make sure you get there without injuring your precious legs.”

“Only so long as you get the best boat there,” Heather demanded.

“Absolutely, _mi amor_.” Alejandro sprinted on ahead, keeping pace with Jo.

Now that Jo was out of earshot, Eva fell back to Cameron. “Hey, I saw that alliance you made, nerd. Convince them to vote for Alejandro or Heather tonight, got it?”

Cameron nodded. “I can do that.”

Eva nodded at him approvingly and ran on ahead.

Alejandro reached the docks, jumped into a sleek looking motor boat and started the motor. “And Alejandro takes the lead,” Chris shouted. He was hovering just above the boats in his jetpack, watching the action unfold firsthand for once. Instead of shoving off, Alejandro idled at the docks, confusing Chris. “Um, Al? Why are you just sitting there?”

“I am waiting for my alluring beauty,” Alejandro answered.

Chris rolled his eyes. “Fine, whatever.” Suddenly, Jo reached the docks and jumped into an identical motor boat right next to Alejandro's. “Jo takes the lead for real this time!” Chris announced hopefully, but Jo simply started her motor and idled as well. “And what the heck are _you_ doing?” Chris demanded.

“I'm giving my teammate a chance to catch up,” Jo explained.

“You all are a bunch of pansies!” Chris shouted angrily. “You do know only one person wins this challenge, right?”

“Correct you are, but any time I am with Heather is a time we both win.”

“Say that to Hawaii, bro,” Chris reminded him. Alejandro frowned as Eva reached the dock.

“Jump in!” Jo encouraged.

“Hold on,” Eva said. She grabbed a large rock and lobbed it at the yellow inflatable raft. The rock popped a hole in it and the boat deflated so fast it got launched far away from the island. She jumped into her and Jo's boat and grabbed an anchor resting in the bottom. She tossed it at another speed boat and sent it sinking below the surface. “Okay, let's go!” With that, Jo slammed on the gas and the boat sped off.

“Okay, now Jo takes the lead. Finally.”

* * *

 

“Don't mistake me teaming up with Eva as me having gone soft. Trust me, I'm still going to wipe her out when the time comes, it's just nice to have someone exactly like me to dominate with. I'm almost going to miss it when I send her packing.”

* * *

 

Heather reached the dock and jumped into Alejandro's boat. “Hurry, Jo got ahead of us!”

“I'm way ahead of you,” Alejandro assured her as he sped off after them.

Geoff got to the dock and jumped aboard the Boat of Losers. To his surprise, Gwen was lounging at the wheel with her legs propped up on the dash while she filed her nails. “Oh, hey Gwen,” Geoff greeted her enthusiastically. “Are you part of this challenge too?”

Gwen, surprised at someone being on the boat before sundown, looked at Geoff with a raised eyebrow. “Challenge?”

“Oh yeah,” Chris chimed in. “I kinda forgot to let you know there was a challenge today so I guess you're kinda stuck helping Geoff win this one.”

Gwen pouted. “Chris, you come down here right now so I can pummel you!”

“Not gonna happen.”

“Hey, it's fine. I'll drive the boat if you want,” Geoff offered.

“No, I'll do it,” Gwen begrudgingly insisted. “I have a feeling Chris won't let me eat dinner if I don't anyway. Not that it matters. Did you know interns have to eat the same garbage the campers do? It's ridiculous.” Gwen kicked the boat of losers into gear and puttered off. “So what exactly are we doing?”

“Circum...Circum...” Geoff tripped over the word again and again and finally sighed in frustration.

“Are we, by chance, circumnavigating the island?” Gwen guessed.

“Yes! That's it,” Geoff said. “Now let's go win me some immunity!”

“Woo,” Gwen cheered sarcastically.

Mal arrived at the docks and found an old rusty motor boat and a wooden raft. He jumped in the boat and started it, only to have it whine and crack in half due to the stress. The boat sank and left Mal in the water, cursing his luck. Brick and Cameron came to a wooden raft with a rope on the edge and jumped on. “Mike, jump on,” Cameron called. Mal reluctantly climbed on the boat and grabbed the three oars. He handed them out to the other two joining him and they started paddling. “So is this a yes to the alliance?” Cameron asked.

Mal resumed his Mike voice to answer. “Yeah, sure. For now.”

“Is everything alright soldier?” Brick asked. “We can't have you still moping about Zoey.”

“I'm fine, I'm fine,” Mal snapped. “Let's just get going!”

They paddled off, leaving Chris to do his hosting. “And the riff-raff ride the rickety raft.” He chuckled to himself. “I'm hilarious.”

Alejandro and Heather sped past Jo and Eva. Alejandro smiled contently as they passed and Heather laughed happily. “You look so good with your hair blowing in the wind and that cocky smile.”

“Why thank you. You look good with your everything.”

“Touché.”

Suddenly, the engine stopped and the boat coasted to a standstill. “Ay, no!” Alejandro cried. “Come now, beautiful engine. Start for Alejandro.”

“I don't think your charms are going to work on an inanimate object,” Heather said.

“Oh, it has before, trust me.”

Before Alejandro could explain, Geoff and Gwen somehow passed them. “And Geoff takes the lead,” Chris announced. “But can he make it all the way through Coconut Alley?”

Geoff peeked his head out from the cabin of the boat. “Coconut Alley? What's th—” A coconut bonked him on the head before he could finish and he fell to the floor.

“Geoff, get up,” Gwen called, getting up from the driver's seat momentarily. She kicked Geoff in an effort to wake him up. “I'm not doing this whole challenge with you unconscious.” Above them, Chef stood in a hot air balloon, tossing coconuts down at anyone who passed. Gwen ducked into the cabin to avoid the coconuts and allowed one to bonk Geoff's head once again.

Eva and Jo struggled with their slightly slower boat a couple seconds back. “And now Eva and Jo reach Coconut Alley,” Chris said.

A hail of coconuts rained down on the girls and hit them multiple times while putting considerable dents in their boat. Eva lost her balance due to the onslaught and fell backwards off the boat. “Eva!” Jo scrambled to save Eva from falling in the water and grabbed her ankle. She hauled her back up and patted her down. “Are you okay?”

“You...saved me?” Eva asked in disbelief.

“Of course I did. I mean, you are my teammate after all.”

“What happened to that cutthroat attitude last season?”

Jo froze up. “Um, I don't know.”

* * *

 

“Wait, is Sergeant Numbskull getting to me? Am I becoming... _considerate?_ This has to stop ASAP.”

* * *

 

Chris rolled his eyes from way above the girls. “How boring. Better up the ante, Chef.”

Chef produced a stick of dynamite and lit it. “It's times like these I really love this job.” He dropped it and it landed on the engine of Eva and Jo's boat. It exploded and when the smoke cleared, it revealed a nearly completely destroyed engine.

“McLean!” Eva roared.

Alejandro tried to start the engine and got a puff of smoke in return, but the engine finally weakly came to life just as Cameron, Brick and Mal rowed up to him. “Hey Al,” Mall called with his Mike voice barely in tact. “Having boat troubles?”

“Not anymore!” Alejandro taunted as he sped off, splashing the raft with water. “ _Adios, non-amigos_!” He called.

“We're not getting anywhere like this,” Cameron cried. “If only we had a motor.”

“I've got it,” Mal said. He grabbed Cameron's hoodie and yanked it off him. He shoved Brick into the water and grabbed the rope.

“What are you doing?” Brick demanded. Mal tied Brick to the raft and tied Cameron's hoodie tightly around Brick's face, obscuring his eyes.

“Pretend we're in a cave.” Mal told him.

Brick screamed and started kicking his legs wildly, propelling the boat along faster than the rowing ever could have done. Despite that, Mal grabbed a paddle and started rowing, helping the boat go even faster. “That's kind of mean...” Cameron said.

“It's getting us going, isn't it?”

“Dark!” Brick screamed. “Help me!”

* * *

 

“How did I know that he's a crybaby who's afraid of the dark? Let's just say I get to listen to each and every one of his night terrors, and I love every second of it.”

* * *

 

“So far, everyone's still alive,” Chris commentated. “But really, how likely is that to continue? Find out when we return with more Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Brick paddled frantically and Mal laughed as he rowed. “This isn't funny!” Brick protested.

“Mike, why are you so rude lately?” Cameron asked him.

“I don't know what you're talking about. I'm my usual self, really.”

* * *

 

“Okay that's it, Mike's definitely off his rocker. I can tell he's not being any of his other personalities, and even if he was, none of them would scare Brick like that.”

* * *

 

Jo smacked the broken engine of their boat, pleading for it to work. “Come on, come on! Work you piece of—”

Alejandro and Heather sped past before she could finish her sentence. Alejandro greeted them with a “ladies” and Heather made an obscene hand gesture. Right behind them was the wooden raft, Brick screaming the entire way past.

Jo and Eva sighed as Chris hovered above them. “This just in: Geoff is still in first place and thanks to the riff-rafter's new engine, guess who's in last?”

“Last place?” Jo parroted in disbelief. “No way!” She started banging on the engine while Eva found something on the ground. “Come on!” Eva jumped on the bow of the boat with the oar she found and started paddling wildly, getting the boat going slowly.

Meanwhile, the raft was going through the formerly Coconut, now Dynamite Alley. Chef dropped a live stick down to the trio, but Mal caught it and extinguished it with his fingers before it could blow. “Hmm...this could come in handy later,” Mal giggled to himself as he pocketed the explosive. Chef growled at him from the air balloon an started rummaging through the basket for more explosives.

Cameron pointed off in the distance. “Is that where Chris lives?”

Mal looked to see a giant mansion nestled into a hill complete with its own personal dock and four entire stories. Mal grinned evilly. “That's beautiful. Just beautiful,” He giggled sinisterly.

Having run out of dynamite, Chef lobbed a coconut at the trio and it hit Mal right on the head. He fell to the ground and groaned in pain. “Mike!” Cameron called. “Are you okay?”

When he opened his eyes, he was actually Mike again. He sat up and rubbed his head. “Uh, why am I on a boat?” He asked. “Cameron? Brick?” He gasped. “Cameron! Brick! I need to tell you guys something.”

“Can't talk,” Brick said. “Must run from dark.”

“What is it, Mike?” Cameron asked.

“Okay, now this is going to sound really bad and I really should have told you this sooner, but there's uh, one more personality you need to know about.”

“One more? Who is it?”

“His name is Mal and he is totally bad news,” Mike explained. “Actually, he uh, is sort of the reason my psychiatrist told me not to audition for Total Drama.”

“He can't be that bad, can he?”

“Oh trust me, Cam. He's bad. He's the reason I got sent to...” Mike suddenly became nervous and stopped talking.

“Sent to where?” Cameron thought about it and gasped. “Did Mal get you sent to juvie?”

“Worse,” Mike answered reluctantly. “He got me sent to the mental hospital.”

Cameron gasped again. “The looney bin?”

“Don't call it that!” Mike snapped. “Anyway, if I can't keep control from Mal, you have to both promise me to vote Mal out. Got it?”

“Got it, but why did you disobey your psychiatrist like that?” Cameron asked. “They know what they're talking about when they tell you not to do something.”

“Well, when I got out, I thought Mal was gone, so...” Mike trailed off, but before he could focus on the conversation again, he reverted to Mal.

“Hey, what are you doing standing around? Paddle! We'll never catch up if you dilly dally like that,” Mal demanded in Mike's voice.

Cameron narrowed his eyes. “Sure thing, Mal.”

Mal glared at Cameron and let the voice drop. “So you know. How did you figure it out? Did Mike come out and warn you about me?”

“He sure did, and now I'm certainly not helping you. In fact,” Cameron pulled Brick out of the water and took his hoodie off Brick's face. “You can say goodbye to your engine.”

“Huh? What's going on?” Brick asked.

“That's not Mike,” Cameron explained as he put his shirt back on. “He's Mike's secret evil personality, Mal.”

“Mal? Sounds like trouble.”

“He is, so we're going to sit right here and get last so we can eliminate him.”

“Do you really want to do that to your friend?” Mal asked.

“What do you mean?”

“If we get sent back and someone learns that I'm back, they're going to send me and Mike right back into the looney bin. Do you really want that fate to befall your friend?”

Cameron hesitated, but shook it off. “Mike made me promise to get rid of you no matter what and I'm going to do just that.”

“And I'm going to help,” Brick said.

Mal scoffed. “Not likely. I'll see you losers later.” He jumped into the water and started swimming for himself. Cameron and Brick grabbed the oars and started rowing to catch up to him.

“We've gotta finish before him,” Cameron said. “If he gets last, everyone else will surely vote him out.”

Meanwhile, the Boat of Losers slowed down as Gwen tried to shake Geoff awake. Before she could wake him, Alejandro and Heather sped past her. “And Alejandro and Heather take the lead,” Chris declared.

“Too easy,” Heather laughed.

Gwen grumbled. “Geoff, get up already!”

Geoff groaned and sat up, rubbing his head. “What year is it?”

“No time for history, get up so we don't finish while you're out cold.”

“It's almost like you actually care,” Geoff said smugly.

Gwen smacked him and got back to the wheel. “No, I'm just scared that if I finish and you're sleeping, Chris will put me in the game, and I don't want that. Now let's go.”

“Right.”

Meanwhile, Jo continued beating on their boat while Eva rowed to the best of her ability. Suddenly, the engine miraculously roared to life, sending the boat up to a decent speed again. “Yes! I knew it would yield to my power eventually.”

Eva sighed in relief. “Finally.”

Chris and Chef were now standing on the dock and could now see all the boats from their position. A buoy floated in the water just in front of them with a checkered flag attached to it. “All the boats are in the final stretch!” Chris called. “Who's going to win tonight's immunity?” Alejandro and Heather's boat sped toward the finish line, but the engine died once again right before they could cross. “Heather and Alejandro's chances of winning have stalled. Just like their motor.”

“No no no no!” Alejandro said frantically as he tried to bring the engine back.

“We can't lose now!” Heather yelled. “Get it working!”

“What do you think I'm trying to do?” Alejandro snapped.

The Boat of Losers sped past Mal and the raft duo and headed for the finish line. “We're almost there!” Geoff cheered. Just then, Eva and Jo flew past them, cheering all the while. “Or they are,” Geoff said dejectedly.

“We're never gonna make it,” Brick said miserably.

“We have to make it and warn everyone about Mal,” Cameron insisted.

Chef and Chris laughed at Alejandro while he desperately tried to start his engine. Heather glared at them, helpless to do anything.

On Eva and Jo's boat, Eva pointed ahead. “What are Heather and Alejandro doing?” Eva asked.

“His engine must have died,” Jo said. “That means either he has to Alejand-row row row his boat or get sent home!” Jo laughed evilly, but was cut short by the Boat of Losers honking at them.

“Hurry,” Eva commanded. “They're gaining on us.”

“Not on my yacht!” Jo insisted. She put the pedal to the metal and left Geoff and Gwen in their watery dust. They came closer to the finish line with every second, and each second made Alejandro more and more desperate to start his boat. The taunts from Eva and Jo finally reached his ears signaling that they were even closer to beating him. He and Heather started sweating, but the engine just wouldn't give. Finally, Heather gave up and jumped up from her seat. She ran to the bow of the boat. She jumped from the tip and her nose crossed the finish line right before Jo and Eva whizzed past.

“Whoa!” Chris shouted. “Heather wins it by a nose! Eva and Jo take second place.” Alejandro jumped in the water after Heather for the sake of crossing the finish line. “Alejandro comes in third.” The Boat of Losers crossed after that. “Not that it matters, but Geoff, with his outside assistance, takes fourth.” Mal swam past angrily, followed closely by Cameron and Brick. “Mike, Cameron and Brick take last place. Like losers. Because that's what they are.”

“Heather, Alejandro!” Cameron yelled. “I need to tell you two something.”

“Save it, short-stack,” Heather said. “I don't care.”

Once everyone was gathered on the dock, Chris congratulated Heather. “As winner of today's challenge, you get immunity and a night at the spa hotel. On top of that, you can bring one person along with you. So who's it gonna be?”

Heather rolled her eyes. “Duh, of course I'm bringing Alejandro.”

“Figures,” Chris said. “Just no funny business you two. Got it? I don't need you two being all gross and stuff in my spa hotel.”

“Yes sir,” Alejandro said with a bow.

“As for the rest of you, it's time to hit the voting booth.”

“Wait,” Cameron said. “Before you do, I have something to say.”

“Don't you dare!” Mal grabbed Cameron by the collar and hoisted him up. “Don't you even think about telling everyone else about me.”

Everyone else, who hadn't moved, stared at Mal, confused. “What's your deal, man?” Geoff asked.

“This is exactly what I'm trying to tell you,” Cameron said. “This isn't Mike. He's Mike's evil alternate personality, Mal. He's so bad he got Mike locked up for a very long time.”

“Liar!” Mal accused, trying desperately to keep his Mike voice up. “Don't listen to him.”

“I can vouch for the little guy,” Brick defended. “This Mal character is bad news and I highly recommend you vote him out.”

“Why should we?” Jo demanded.

“Because you can't vote out Heather and Alejandro,” Cameron suggested.

“Hey!” Heather protested.

“Plus, he's bad news. He...wait a minute! You're the reason Zoey's gone, aren't you?” Mal looked nervous, but Cameron continued. “It would just be too perfect if Zoey went home right when you were starting to get control, because Mike would be so discouraged that he wouldn't have the motivation to keep control. It explains everything!”

“So _you're_ the no good cheater,” Jo said, narrowing her eyes. “Maybe I will vote for you after all.”

“That's not cool, man,” Geoff agreed.

“Cheaters get no mercy,” Eva growled.

Chris laughed gleefully. “Looks like we've got some resentment in the group. Head to the voting booth, I don't got all day.”

That night, every camper sat at the campfire. “Good news,” Chris announced. “As a reward for making it to the merge, no Boney Island tonight for anybody.” Everyone cheered and he let them calm down before continuing. “Now let's get to voting, shall we?”

* * *

 

“Luckily, after Mal got hurt by...something earlier, I can hear his thoughts from right before we switch again,” Mike said. “The bad news is that they are very bad thoughts and I don't get control frequently. And on top of that, I just learned that _I_ sent Zoey home! Oh man, this royally sucks.”

* * *

 

“The votes have been tallied and it's almost unanimous. Tonight's Flush of Shame recipient is...Mike! If that is your real name.”

Mike resumed control and gasped. “Me? Already? Oh thank goodness.”

“I'm sorry for potentially sending you back to the mental hospital,” Cameron apologized.

“Wait, what?”

“I mean, if Mal is coming out again and that's what sent you there in the first place, it only makes sense that you'll be going there again.”

“Oh no! I can't go back there,” Mike cried. “My mom can't afford to send me back there.”

Mal resumed control and laughed. “Good thing she won't have to.”

Mike resurfaced and looked confused. “Mal? What do you mean...?”

“If you agree to let me have control and keep it, I can save us.”

“But how?”

“I stole the immunity idol from Heather and stashed it somewhere only I can find it. If you let me keep control, we can stay in the game, win, and you can pay for your looney bin visit.”

“Don't call it that!” Mike shot again. Everyone looked at each other awkwardly while this seemingly one-sided conversation unfolded. “But you're right. I need this million dollars. For my sake and my mom's. Fine Mal. But only until after the game. Then, I'm fighting you every step of the way.”

“I wouldn't have it any other way,” Mal cackled. “You wait here, I'm going to go get the immunity idol.”

* * *

 

“Of course I'm not going to give Mike control after we win. When I get the million dollars, I'm going to use it to make sure I stay out of that hell no matter what. And then, when I don't have to go back there, my reign of terror will finally begin. Starting with Mike's little girlfriend.”

* * *

 

Mal came back to the campfire holding up the invincibility statue.

“So you're the one who stole it!” Heather snapped. “I demand you give it to me. I found it fair and square.”

“And I stole it fair and square,” Mal countered as he gave Chris the statue.

“Yep, this looks legit. Mike, or Mal? You're still in the game. And since yours was the only vote not against you, we're going to count that.” Chris brandished a picture of Cameron with a red X through it. “Cameron. You're going home, bud.”

“What? No!”

“Yes, buddy, you're going home.”

Mal grinned. “See ya later, Cam.”

“Only Mike, Zoey and Brick are allowed to call me that,” Cameron said. “Brick. You've got to promise me you'll do whatever you can to get rid of Mal.”

“Sir yes sir!” Brick saluted and Cameron was on his way.

When he was in the toilet, he asked Chris one more thing. “Chris, you have to look into Mike's medical history for me. Please. If he's not mentally fit you have to promise me you'll make an executive decision and pull him out.”

“I'll talk to the producers,” Chris assured him with exactly no sincerity. “Maybe. Goodbye Cameron.”

“Wait, don—” Cameron screamed as he disappeared down the drain.

“Nine players down, seven to go. Who's next to take a paddle in the big porcelain pond? Find out when we return with another all new episode of Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	9. Zeek and Ye Shall Find

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the one hundredth episode of Total Drama! In celebration, Chris has a special challenge lined up for the contestants. The only problem is...where is Chris? New alliances are formed and friendships are tested as the remaining campers search for their missing host, hoping to find him before he meets a fate worse than the Flush of Shame...

“Last time on Total Drama All Stars: the teams were no more and it was a free-for-all race to the floating machines for a regatta to boat around Wawanakwa, but some floated better than others. And Chef supplied some dynamite entertainment. Heather won the challenge and Mike proved that there's still a little of, well, him in him after all. Even if most of him is the evil Mal. Speak of the devil, he would have gotten the flush, but a stolen immunity idol lead to Cameron getting a one way ticket to Gonersville. Seven players move on and soon, one more will be gone. Who will it be? Stick around and see. Here, on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Heather and Alejandro lounged in the spa hotel's outdoor hot tub in their swimwear, kicking back and enjoying the juxtaposition of the hot water and the cooling night air. Alejandro sighed contently. “Ah yes, the life we deserve. The life we will have after winning the million dollars.” As he said this, the butler handed them fruity drinks to sip on.

“Aren't you glad I won our way in here?” Heather gloated.

“Yes, but it was my driving that got us to the finish line.”

“By that logic, it was your engine that almost lost us the challenge.”

“Oh, do not degrade yourself to petty arguments. How about we agree that we both got us here? If we start fighting now, we'll never get to the finals.”

“Good point,” Heather admitted as she decided to cuddle up to him.

* * *

Heather sighed. “Okay, I can't even pretend anything's 'strictly strategic' anymore, can I? I just can't help it! Alejandro's so...” She spaced out for a moment before shaking her head. “Anyway, when we do make it to the end, I know I can beat him just like I did last time.”

* * *

 

“I must admit, Heather is my weakness. If it came down to the two of us, I have no doubt that she would find a way best me once again. She's clever like that. But as long as we can stay together, it will not matter who wins, because we will both get the prize money. As it should be.”

* * *

 

“I may be allowing Mal to have full control, but once the game's over and we've won, I'm taking it upon myself to use the prize money to pay for my stay in the mental hospital. Again. Where I might not see Zoey ever again.” Mike sighed deeply. “First Zoey, now Cameron. Mal's gone way too far, but there's nothing I can do except hope for the best. But what is the best? I don't even know anymore.”

* * *

 

Brick marched from the showers to the loser cabin. As he walked, he passed Mal, who grinned at him wickedly. “Hey Brick,” he greeted.

“Keep walking, Mal. I have a strict no fraternizing with the enemy policy.”

“Have it your way.”

* * *

 

“Now that Cameron's eliminated and Mike gave in to Mal, everyone I consider my friend is gone, so I'm on my own. My options are to make new friends or to tough it out like the soldier I was trained to be.” Brick saluted, but started quivering. “I miss my friends...”

* * *

 

Brick entered the boy's side of the cabin and nodded at Geoff, who waved. “I suggest sleeping with one eye open tonight, private. That Mal character is bad news.”

Geoff nodded agreement. “Yeah, man. Poor Mike. He's being pushed around by one of his own alternates. That is way uncool, dude. We gotta help him somehow.”

“But if we just vote him out, his parental units will have to shoulder the cost of the mental institute all on their own.”

“But if he stays here, who knows what Mal will do? The dude's bad news, and someone could get seriously hurt.”

Brick put his finger to his chin, thinking about the situation. “If only there were a clear course of action.” Mal had entered the room silently and stood behind Brick menacingly. Geoff's eyes widened and he motioned for Brick to turn around. Brick looked at Geoff confused, but didn't get the hint before Mal loudly said something and scared Brick out of his combat boots.

“Hey guys, what're we talking about?”

Brick screamed and jumped into his bunk above Geoff's. “N-nothing,” he stuttered, trying to get his usual tone back. “Why don't you go back to hitting the showers?”

Mal shrugged. “Fine.” He turned to leave and let out an evil laugh as he went.

Night became day and the speakers once again broadcast Chris' obnoxious voice. “Challenge time!” He announced. “Proceed to the McLean spa library, pronto.”

Jo walked onto the porch of the loser cabin and broke a floor board as she did so. She tripped over the newly created hole and fell down the stairs. “Ow!” She cried. “Stupid stinkin' floor!” Eva came out and silently helped Jo back to her feet. “Hey, thanks teammate.” Eva nodded at her and continued on her way. Jo caught up to her and patted her back. “So how are we gonna take down some losers today?”

“I don't know,” Eva replied flatly. “Let's see what the challenge is first.”

Jo scoffed. “Looks like someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.”

“Yeah, a little bit,” Eva said threateningly. “Now give me a moment, _please_.”

* * *

 

“I might be annoying Eva a bit, but I'm just so pumped to have another competitor just like me. I mean, Heather's close but she lets girly things like boys and make up get in the way and distract her. Eva and I, now we're the real deal. They're all going down either way, but until Alejandro's gone, I need to be on Eva's good side.”

* * *

 

Brick and Geoff made their way to the spa hotel. Once Mal passed them, Brick pulled Geoff in close. “Look, I know you said you want to ride solo from here, and I respect that, but I figured I should ask anyway. Can we be in an alliance until Mal gets taken care of?”

Geoff shrugged. “I don't see why not.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Dude's messing with your friends, and I gotta help you reclaim their honor or something like that. I'll team up with you for now.”

“Thanks!” Brick said.

“No problemo, dude.”

In the spa library, a door lead into a dark room with monitors all around. Chef stood in front of the group as they arrived and looked around at the tiny room. “So this is how Chris knows all,” Alejandro observed. The monitors adorning every wall broadcast nearly every square inch of the island. One even showed the campers themselves standing in this control room.

“Speaking of Chris, where is the little weasel?” Heather asked.

“Just hush up,” Chef snapped. “You'll see in a minute.” He grabbed a coffee mug from a desk and took a sip from it.

Suddenly, a TV flared to life and revealed Chris in a party hat standing in front of a giant cake with three giant number candles in it that read “100.” Gwen stood barely in frame next to the cake, also wearing a party hat and halfheartedly waving a flag. Chris blew into a party horn while confetti fell all around him. “Welcome to episode one hundred of Total Drama! To celebrate, I have an extra special 100th episode challenge.” As he said this, Gwen's eyes widened and she was seemingly pulled off screen by an unseen force. Geoff raised an eyebrow as Chris continued. “I hope no one's allergic to rhinoceroses or fire. Or poison. Smallpox, gluten...” As he read a list of potential deadly challenge ingedients, a bald, sickly green head rose up from beneath the picture and stared at Chris angrily.

“Is that...?” Brick asked, bewildered.

As Chris listed more ingredients of the challenge (including but not limited to treenuts and formaldehyde,) Ezekiel started panting heavily.

“Look out!” Everyone but Eva shouted.

“Please don't interrupt,” Chris said. Zeke was now out of frame, but before Chris could continue, he jumped back into frame, throwing a burlap sack over Chris' head. He swiped at the camera and the screen went blank.

Chef spit his coffee out at the screen in shock, and the liquid fell to the keyboards controlling the operation, which shorted out, causing the power in the entire spa hotel to go out. “What? That can't...” Chef stuttered but ended up letting out a cry of frustration. He whirled around and pointed at the campers. “New challenge! Find Chris!”

“You want us to hunt for Zeke?” Heather asked. “No way am I dealing with that freak of nature ever again, thank you.”

“He's psycho-crazy!” Brick agreed.

“If no one saves Chris, there's no show. And if there's no show, there's no winner. No winner, no million dollars,” Chef reasoned.

“And they have Gwen!” Geoff cried.

“That's not fair!” Jo spat.

“Hold on,” Alejandro said. “We accept this challenge, but only if the one who finds Chris gets immunity for the next vote.”

“And permanent residence in the spa hotel for as long as they're in the competition,” Heather added.

“And they get to send one person of their choice home,” Eva growled.

“And to Boney Island,” Jo agreed.

“Fine, deal, whatever! Just find Chris,” Chef demanded.

“Last season Zeke was living in the mine,” Brick suggested. “Maybe he's hunkered down in there.

“To the mine!” Chef rallied.

* * *

 

“The power's out,” Mal recapped. “Meaning they can't see what goes on from that little room.” He brandished the little red stick of dynamite Chef dropped on him during the last challenge. “That means Chris' house is unguarded and I still have this little sucker. Oh, I'll go to the mine, but first, I gotta do some dirty work.”

* * *

 

Chef and all the campers except for Mal stood in front of the mine, the entrance to which was blocked with boulders. “Looks like it's still sealed,” Brick observed.

“Great observation, Soggy McGee,” Jo taunted.

“There must be another way in,” Alejandro mused.

“Then find it,” Chef said as he threw flashlights to everyone. “I'm heading back to the hotel to see if I can get the monitors working.” He headed off and the campers looked amongst each other.

“Wait a second,” Brick said. “Where's Mi—er, Mal?”

“No time for him, he'll catch up,” Jo said. “We have a host to find.” From there, everyone split up.

Heather and Alejandro found a little hole in the rubble with footprints leading inside. “This must be where the creep gets in and out of the mine,” Heather observed.

“Brilliant observation, Heather,” Alejandro said. “Now let us go spelunking.”

Everyone else was on a nearby hillside with several holes littering the landscape. Jo flashed her light down one and examined it. “One of these must lead down,” She said.

“There's one over here,” Eva called.

“And another one over here,” Geoff said, calling attention to a third hole that didn't seem to end anytime soon.

“Oh no, those all look pretty dark,” Brick said nervously. “I have this phobia of the dark, and I don't think I can—” Before he could finish, the ground caved in below his feet and he fell with a scream into the mine.

“Brick!” Geoff yelled as he jumped in behind him.

“I have a good feeling about this hole,” Jo said about a fourth hole leading into the earth. “Let's go.” She grabbed Eva's wrist and pulled her into the hole. She cheered as if she was on a roller coaster as they fell and Eva yelled in a panic.

Meanwhile, Chris opened his eyes. He was no longer in the burlap sack, but he was now upside down for some reason. “Hardy har har, Chef,” He laughed. “Yeah, you got me. Chef? Chef...?” He looked around to find Ezekiel standing below him and to the side, and he gleamed that he was suspended directly above a boiling vat of toxic waste. Zeke rubbed his hands together menacingly and chuckled. “Ezekiel?” Chris feigned a friendly demeanor. “Hey buddy,” He laughed nervously. “Looking good. Quite the killer drool you got there.” As he said this, bright green saliva dripped from Zeke's chin and splashed to the ground, instantly eroding it. “Toxic waste exposure for ya, am I right? Um, what's up?” In response, Ezekiel growled. “Are you upset with me or something?” The feral boy hissed and danced around angrily. “I'm not very well-versed in freakazoidal interpretive dance, but I'll take that as a yes.” Suddenly, the entire island shook, causing Chris to swing from side to side. “Uh, what was that?”

The rumbling was enough to disturb Gwen, who was laying in a wooden cage to the other side of the waste bowl. She woke up and looked around. “Where am I...?”

“Oh, we're kind of guests to Zeke's freaky mutant slumber party,” Chris explained.

Gwen's eyes widened. “Oh no, don't tell me I'm in that mine.”

“Then I won't tell you anything.”

“Oh no!” Gwen cried. “I'm underground? Buried alive? _Again?_ ” She screamed in frustration, causing Zeke to glare at her angrily.

Meanwhile, Mal ran into the girl's side of the loser cabin and slid a matchbox under someone's pillow.

* * *

 

“That pretty house of Chris' is long gone, and if they ever get him out of there, he'll be so angry that a certain someone has matches under her pillow that she'll be going home faster than you can say boom.” Mal laughed maniacally.

* * *

 

Mal found a small stream that lead into the mine. “Huh, how fortuitous,” He grinned as he jumped across the rocks jutting out of the water and into the mine.

Deeper into the mine, Alejandro and Heather walked side by side, sweeping their flashlights to and fro examining the cave and searching for Chris or the feral ex-contestant. “How many places in a stupid cave can that freak stash a thirty-something year old man?” Heather wondered aloud.

“It is true that he isn't the brightest,” Alejandro allowed. “I mean, it takes only the truly incompetent to be so chauvinistic, but with a cave system this large, surely it should be easy to find a good hiding place.”

“I can't believe you're complementing that clod.”

Alejandro shrugged. “It is in my nature. By the way, did you feel that rumbling earlier? I wonder what that was.”

“It doesn't affect me, so I don't care,” Heather dismissed. “What affects me now is who finds Chris.”

“Correct. Let us go deeper.”

“H-hello?” Brick stuttered as his flashlight flickered. “Oh no, this can't be happening to me...”

Geoff's light came to life and Brick sighed in relief. “Chill out man, I got you. You just got to settle down and take this one step at a time.”

“Right,” Brick nodded. Suddenly, Geoff's flashlight died and Brick screamed. A scream which came out of the speakers in the spa hotel's control room.

“We've got sound,” Chef sighed as an intern wrestled with cables on the floor. “Now where's the dang picture?” In response, the intern wordlessly pointed at the camera set up to record the inside of the control room. “Oh, you want an update?” Chef asked the camera. “I got no idea what Zeke is up to, where Chris is, or where the kids are at and I got no idea how we're gonna figure any o' that out with the monitors on the fritz.”

As Chef said this, the intern stood up and cleared his throat before taking the update duties on himself. “On Total. Drama. All St—”

“Fix the monitors!”

* * *

 

Brick backed up cautiously, panicking and probably hyperventilating. Geoff managed to get his light back on to reveal that Brick was within inches of his face. Brick jumped back and screamed again. “Dude dude, calm down!” Geoff urged him. “We won't get anywhere if you keep panicking like this.”

Brick took a second to calm down. “Right. You're right.”

“You just gotta take it one step at a time, man. Keep your chin up and your eyes forward.”

“You're right,” Brick agreed.

“Here, why don't we talk about something while we walk to keep your mind off everything else?”

“Good idea,” Brick said. “So uh, how do you manage to stay so optimistic all the time?”

Geoff shrugged. “'S just how I was raised. You can't keep a good party goin' if you mope around all the time. If you let any little thing ruin your party, well it wasn't a very good party at all, was it?”

Brick nodded. “Makes sense. I think.”

“Good,” Geoff smiled.

Eva rubbed her head to soothe the pain. When Jo pulled her down the hole, Eva had landed on her head and was now silently fuming at the other girl. “What's wrong Eva? Still mad that I dragged you down a hole?” Jo asked.

“Yeah, a little.”

“Oh, lighten up. It's not like I killed you or anything.”

“If you don't, this mine will,” Eva shot. “I don't want to be down here and become like that freak from last season.”

“Oh, you'll be fine,” Jo assured her. “They said the island was totally clean. No radiation in sight.”

“Yeah, and at the start, Chris said there would be no Ezekiel and guess who probably has Chris held captive? Let's just stop yapping and get me a one way ticket to the spa hotel.”

“More like let's get me a ticket to the spa hotel,” Jo countered.

Eva growled at her menacingly and ran ahead.

“Oh, a race now, is it? You're so on,” Jo said cheerfully as she sprinted after her.

Meanwhile, Chris was still suspended above toxic lava, Gwen was still freaking out, and Zeke was still a mad man. “Dude, where's all this anger comin' from?” Chris asked. “Was it season three when I kicked you off the plane, made everyone hunt you down twice and threw you in a volcano? Is it last year when I sealed you in a mine filled with toxic waste?” In response, Ezekiel roared angrily, probably trying to convey an “all of the above” type answer. “Aw, you wouldn't let a little thing like world-wide televised humiliation come between us, now would you?” In response, Zeke brandished a box of angry looking mice. “Oh, cute pets,” Chris chuckled nervously. “What are you gonna do with them...?”

“Geoff, can I ask you one more thing?” Brick asked, ignoring the fact that the cave's background noises were starting to get louder.

“What is it?” Geoff responded.

Brick looked away for a second before starting to ask his question, but all he heard was Geoff's terrified yell, deep, angry breathing, and a flashlight clattering to the ground. Brick looked back to where Geoff was seconds before and saw nothing but his flashlight laying on the ground. “Oh no. Geoff? Geoff!”

* * *

 

Brick lay on the confessional toilet, shivering and babbling incoherently with wide eyes and wet pants.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, back in the control room, the intern was huddled beneath a desk, connecting wires and fiddling with plugs. Suddenly, the screens all came to life, showing various locations around the island. One showed Chris dangling over a boiling vat of toxic waste, one showed Gwen and Geoff sitting in a wooden cage, one showed the outside of the mine, which a dark shape darted into undetected, and another revealed smoking wreckage. “We've got picture!” Chef rejoiced. “What in tarnation is...?” Chef saw the smoldering heap and gasped. “Chris' cottage!” He then saw Geoff and Gwen sitting in the cage. “Chris' contestants!” Then he saw Chris. “ _Chris!_ ”

* * *

 

Now it was Chef's turn to lay sideways on the confessional toilet, hugging himself and babbling gibberish.

* * *

 

Eva stopped to take a breather and Jo slid to a stop a few feet in front of her. “What's wrong?” Jo panted. “Tired already?”

“We've been sprinting for ten minutes straight, of course I'm tired,” Eva shot. “Why are you stopping, besides the fact that you have a creepy obsession with me?”

“I don't have an obsession with you!” Jo snapped indignantly. “I just need a good ally is all.”

“Yeah, whatever. Can you get one without stalking them?”

“I'm not stalking you, you're overreacting,” Jo said. The two girls glared at each other before turning away angrily.

Mal tried to feel his way through the cave, but ended up tripping and stumbling over rocks and bumping into walls. “Stupid cave and your stupid darkness and stupid...” He grumbled as he slowly made his way through the dark mine. Suddenly, the ground gave out below him and he plummeted down the mine shaft, screaming a more girly scream than he would ever dare to admit. Instead of landing on a sharp rock and impaling himself like he thought he would, he landed on a fleshy, somewhat damp body.

Brick screamed in shock as he was taken to the ground by the sudden force. Mal pushed himself up and Brick pointed the light at him as if it would make him go away. “Mike?” Brick asked before seeing the evil look in his eye. “No, Mal.”

“Hello, Brick,” Mal greeted. “Fancy meeting you here. You have something I need, it seems.”

“What's that?” Brick asked cautiously.

“Light,” Mal replied. “Let's travel together for now.”

“Fine, but if you make one wrong move, I'm kicking you to the curb, got it soldier?”

* * *

 

“Large and in charge, Brick. Large and in charge,” Brick chanted to himself in an encouraging tone.

* * *

 

“Ugh, this is hopeless! We're just going around in circles,” Heather complained.

“No, we clearly went uphill back there,” Alejandro reminded her.

“Yeah, but before that, we went downhill. If we went downhill and then uphill, then that means we've gone around in circles.”

“Perhaps we are at the same elevation as before, but that does not necessarily mean we went in a circle,” Alejandro reasoned.

“Face it, we're lost,” Heather said.

“We are not lost,” Alejandro said. “We are just...taking the scenic route.”

“This is what happens when you let the guy navigate,” Heather continued.

“I do not appreciate that stereotype you are enforcing,” Alejandro said through gritted teeth. The two started arguing about directions and tired movie cliches while Zeke slowly approached them from the shadows. When they stopped arguing to investigate the increasingly loud heavy breathing, he roared at them and they screamed, sending an echo throughout the cave.

Chef watched the television monitors nervously, shoveling spoonful after spoonful of ice cream into his mouth straight from a tub. The intern in the room looked at him judgmentally. “What? I eat when I'm stressed,” Chef defended. “Wait, zoom in on the rope holding Chris.” The intern did as commanded and the zoom in revealed two mice gnawing at the rope suspending Chris over his doom. Chef gasped. “We're gonna need more ice cream.”

Alejandro and Heather woke up in Ezekiel's cage and looked around confused. “Are you two okay?” Geoff asked. He held out his hand to help someone up, but Heather batted it away and took it upon herself to stand up.

“Where are we?” She demanded.

Gwen, shivering with fear, tried to explain. “D-dark. Underground. _Buried!_ Zeke. Prison. Toxic w-w-waste. Dead. All of us, dead.”

“Whoa there, calm down,” Geoff said, putting his hand on Gwen's shoulder.

That hand too, got smacked away. “Don't touch me!” Gwen shrieked.

“This is the worst party I've ever been to,” Geoff sighed.

Jo and Eva walked through the cave, making good progress, when the ground suddenly gave way beneath Jo's feet. She screamed and grabbed on to a stray root as she fell. The root barely held her weight and she dangled above a pitch black pit. “Eva!” She cried. “Help!”

Eva crossed her arms and grinned down at Jo smugly. “Should I?”

“'Should I?' What do you mean 'should I?'” Jo demanded. “Help me out of here!”

Eva turned to walk away. “No.”

“Eva! Eva get back here this instant!” Jo yelled. “You can't leave me here!”

“Watch me.” With that, Eva was gone, leaving Jo to angrily scream insults at her back. “Finally I can explore this cave on my own,” Eva sighed. Just when she finished her sentence, hands grabbed her ponytail and yanked her out of sight.

Meanwhile, back in the control room, the intern who fixed the power was now practically drowning in empty ice cream buckets. “We're out of ice cream,” Chef said. The intern rolled his eyes as if to say “gee, you think?” in response. Having found new resolve after cleaning out the ice cream, Chef pulled his spaghetti canon from last season out of a corner. “Total Drama will not end at episode one hundred,” He said as he cocked it.

Eva woke up in Ezekiel's cage to find Gwen huddled in the corner, Heather and Alejandro holding each other for comfort, and Geoff looking lost as usual. “I'll get you, you freak!” Eva threatened. In response, everyone in the cage was pelted with brown sticky stuff.

“Please tell me this is fudge,” Gwen begged.

Geoff licked some off his finger. “Yep, that's fudge alright.”

“Thank goodness,” Heather sighed. As it turned out, Zeke was grabbing handfuls of fudge from the giant cake and lobbing the food at the trapped campers, and he continued to do so. “Ugh, I am so done with this place. Who's left that could possibly stop this monster?”

Eva sighed. “Jo, Brick and Mal.”

“Oh, so what you are saying is _we're done for!_ ” Alejandro yelled.

Suddenly, Zeke bounded off, looking for new prey.

Mal and Brick happened upon a small stream, probably connected to the one Mal followed to get in the cave. “So how about handing me those flashlights?” Mal asked.

“Not a chance,” Brick replied. “One doesn't work anyway and the one that does is the only reason you haven't abandoned me and left me alone in the dark.”

* * *

 

“People are starting to catch on to my trickery. I guess it's time to up the ante.”

* * *

 

Mal sighed and continued following Brick, who was basically wandering randomly at this point. “So do you have any idea where we're going?”

“Not a one,” Brick answered. “But I figure that if I follow the way this creek flows, it may end near where Chris is being held as a P.O.W.”

“A what?”

“Prisoner of war, soldier.”

Mal looked to the water to see that they were indeed following its flow, but when he looked back to Brick, all he saw was a flashlight laying on the ground. “Well, more light for me,” he shrugged.

Brick was thrown into the cage with a scream and Zeke slammed the door behind him. “Help!” He cried.

“Don't worry, man,” Geoff assured him as he helped him up. “We're safe now. Kind of.” Safer than we were anyway.”

Brick slowly calmed down after Geoff patted his back a few times. “How long has everyone been stuck in here?” He asked after surveying who all had been caught.

“Too long,” Gwen said in between panicked yelps.

“Gwen's not taking this too well,” Geoff explained. “Poor girl. We've been here a while and if things keep going like this, we'll be here a while longer. So let's pass the time and let you ask that question you've been meaning to ask me.”

“Oh, right,” Brick said. “I mean, is this really the right time?”

“What else are gonna do?” Geoff responded.

“Good point. All I wanted to ask you is, well, how do you make friends with so many people?”

“Oh, that? Well, why do you ask?”

Brick blushed. “Well, after we competed so hard last year, I want to be Jo's friend, but she doesn't seem like the type to make friends...” Cue Eva scoffing. “And I've never been good at making friends. And I just really want to be her friend. We're so alike that if we were there for each other like Zoey and Cameron are there for me, we'd be unstoppable.”

Geoff thought for a moment before answering. “Well, let me tell you a story. Did you watch season one?”

“I only watched a few,” Brick answered. “I didn't have time to invest. Why do you ask?”

“Well, in season one, I made friends with the last person anyone expected me to make friends with,” Geoff explained. “Me and Gwen over there became friends during the tri-armed triathlon if I remember right.”

“Nerd,” Eva said.

Disregarding her insult, Geoff continued. “'Now Geoff,' you're probably asking, 'how did a party dude like you manage to score a friendship with such an antisocial dudette?'”

“I wasn't asking that, actually,”

“Well, my good dude, all it too was some determination and nice vibes. You see, when you're friendly first, chances are, someone will be friendly back and you can score some major friendship points with people who aren't even like you. As for the ones who are like you... Well, some friendships just aren't meant to be, even if the other person's just like you. Sometimes that's a major turn off for people. It's kind of like how Jo and Heather don't get along because they're so alike. Maybe what Jo needs is someone not like her.”

“Maybe you're right,” Brick said, looking disappointed.

“I know it's a bummer, man, but maybe you can try again later.”

“If she's still alive later,” Eva mumbled.

“What was that?” Brick asked.

“Nothing,” Eva said quickly.

Geoff sat next to Gwen and awkwardly patted her knee. “Gwen, I know it's kind of a sucky time, but do you remember that? When we did the triathlon?”

Still shivering, Gwen nodded weakly. “I also remember what you put me through in the next season. Shove off, why don't you?”

Geoff sighed. “Okay, I guess...”

Meanwhile, the root that was holding Jo up was starting to give way. Jo frantically tried to find another place to grab, but didn't manage to do so before the root came out of the wall entirely and let her fall down the seemingly bottomless pit.

Mal walked along the stream, whistling his trademark tune to himself, when Jo came falling out of nowhere and landed with a splash in the stream. She managed to find her way to the shore and collected herself at Mal's feet while he watched with only vague interest. She got up and finally noticed Mal was present. “Oh, it's the evil alter ego of Stick Boy,” She said. “Great, I'm saved.”

Mal frowned. “You act like you need saving.”

Jo scoffed. “No, I only fell like a hundred feet or something. No big deal or anything. Surely you couldn't help me get out of the water.”

“I think you're missing the 'evil' part of 'evil alter ego,'” Mal replied.

In response, Jo snatched the working flashlight from his hand. “I don't need your sass today, Circus Freak. Let's find Chris and get out of here so I can give Eva a piece of my mind.”

Meanwhile, the mice were making quick work of Chris' lifeline. “Yo rodents,” he pleaded. “Let's make a deal here. I know a cheese artisan. Surely we can work something out.” Suddenly, the rope frayed and let him drop a couple more inches, ever closer to the boiling doom that awaited him. “Mmkay,” Chris said nervously. “Gettin' scaredey... Help!”

Mal and Jo had since abandoned the stream and came across streamers hung up in the cave haphazardly. “Now who would put streamers in a place like this?” Jo asked. Suddenly, Chris' cry for help reached them, and Jo jumped at the sound. “It came from this way,” she said, pointing in the direction of the streamers. “I'm coming for you, million dollars.” Suddenly, Chef ran past the both of them growling angrily. “Chef?”

“I said, _help!_ ” Chris screamed.

Chef slid to a stop in front of Ezekiel's makeshift throne. “Chris!” The campers in the cage cheered for Chef, who dropped his gun, picked up a stray stick, and swatted the rodents off of Chris' rope.

“What took you so long?” Chris demanded as Jo and Mal reached the room. Chris, still upside down, inhaled deeply, starting to yell again, but was distracted. “And why do you smell like mint chocolate chip ice cream?” The sound of the spaghetti canon getting ready to fire rang out through the cavern, and Chef turned to see Ezekiel, who had knocked out Mal and knocked down Jo, pointing the canon at him. Chef screamed as Zeke fired and hit him right in the face with the food. Chef fell to the floor and Jo struggled to get up. “Zeke, Zeke,” Chris pleaded. “Let's talk about this.” Zeke dropped the canon and jumped to the end of his throne's platform. He got down on all fours and snarled at Chris. Jo grabbed the canon and cocked it.

“Say hello to Chef's little friend!” She yelled as she fired. Zeke jumped over the food-based weaponry and projectile vomited in Jo's direction. Jo ducked and pointed at him jeeringly when he was done. “Ha! You missed,” she taunted. The cavern started rumbling and a pile of rocks fell on Jo's head.

“Jo!” Brick yelled. “Oh no, everyone's knocked out or trapped. What are we gonna do?”

“Die, that's what we're gonna do!” Gwen screamed.

“Not on my watch,” a voice called. Suddenly, more rocks came tumbling down from the ceiling and crashed near Mal. Riding one of the rocks down was Duncan. He grabbed the spaghetti canon and fired at Zeke, who got hit and stuck to the vat by the resulting force.

“Duncan!” Gwen shrilly cheered. “You came back!”

“Anything for you, babe,” Duncan said, shooting her a wink. He untied Chris and let him drop to the ground unceremoniously.

“Ow,” Chris groaned. “Coulda been a little more gentle!” After everyone was let out and Chris was untied, he ushered them to the exit. “We've gotta get out of here before Zeke gets out.” They looked to where Zeke was stuck to the vat and found nothing in his place. Everyone gasped and hightailed it out of there.

* * *

 

Chris was making a seldom seen confessional visit. “For the record, I would like to state that I, Chris McLean, am not afraid of that sad, misunderstood freak show named Ezekiel. Sure, it looked like I was scared, but I was faking! I would like to say that that performance was worth at least five gemmies.”

* * *

 

The group plus Duncan and Gwen (who was holding on the Duncan for dear life) reached the spa hotel's observation room as the sun was going down. “Whew,” Chris sighed. “What an episode, huh?”

“Wait, I'm confused,” Jo, who was severely battered, said. “So who wins those awesome rewards we were promised earlier?”

“What rewards?” Chris asked.

“I kinda promised them that whoever won had immunity could stay in the spa hotel for the rest of their time in the game, send someone home and to Boney Island,” Chef explained.

“Oh, well since Duncan saved my butt, I would say he gets that, but he is no longer competing in this game, so I guess no one gets the spa hotel tonight.”

“What? I saved your life,” Duncan spat. “Don't I get something for that?”

“You also didn't take the flush like a good juvenile delinquent,” Chris countered. “So you get that.”

“Can I go with him?” Gwen asked.

“Sure, I don't care,” Chris shrugged.

“Oh thank goodness,” Gwen sighed. “I am so done with this place.”

“Um, maybe it's a good thing nobody's staying here tonight,” an intern chimed in.

“What do you mean?” Chris asked. Against Chef's silent protests, the intern switched the biggest monitor in the room to show the smoking wreck that was Chris' house. Chris gasped. “My cottage!”

“You mean that mansion thing we drove by last challenge?” Heather asked. “Oh please, that was not a cottage. It was a mansion.”

“Someone blew up my cottage!” Chris roared.

Everyone looked to Duncan, who shrugged. “Hey, I was saving your butts. For once, it wasn't me.”

“Then who did this?” Chris demanded.

“Maybe you should check the cabins,” Mal suggested. “Maybe whoever did it did it while the lights were out so they wouldn't get caught and maybe they hid whatever they used to do it under their pillow...or something.”

“Good idea,” Chris said. “Chef. Don't let them leave this room until I get to the bottom of this.”

Chef nodded as Chris stormed out of the room.

* * *

 

Mal laughed sinisterly. “Someone's getting sent home tonight and no one will ever be the wiser.”

* * *

 

Later, the campers, plus Duncan and Gwen, were gathered around the campfire with two police officers flanking Chris. “Listen up campers,” Chris said shakily. “This is a very serious offense and if you speak up now and admit you blew up my cottage—”

“Mansion,” Heather corrected.

“You will have no penalty except immediate elimination. Anyone?” After a moment of silence, he sighed. “Guess I'll have to expose your crimes. Look what I found in the girl's cabin.” He produced a book of matches. “These could be used to detonate that dynamite that Chef was dropping on you last challenge, which could...” He choked on his words. “Blow up...my cottage. Now guess who's pillow I found these under?” Eva and Jo looked at each other, hoping that the other one was the one who did the deed, before Chris revealed the answer. “Heather! You're in big trouble, missy.”

“What?” Heather and Alejandro said at the same time. Heather stood up and stomped her foot indignantly. “I would never go through the trouble of blowing up your stupid mansion.”

“Plus, she was with me all day,” Alejandro said. “There is no way she could have done that because I can vouch that we went nowhere near your house.”

The officers walked over to Heather and locked her hands in cuffs. “You're under arrest for the destruction of personal property,” one of them said.

“Get this criminal out of my sight,” Chris spat.

“Wow, didn't know you had it in ya,” Duncan said, glad it wasn't him getting arrested.

“What? No! I didn't do it!” Heather yelled. “You can't take me away like this! This is wrongful termination of competition! McLean! You can't be sending me home before _Eva!_ ”

“Oh, you're not going home anytime soon,” Chris assured her. “It's to the slammer with you.”

“You let me back in this game this instant!” As the officers dragged Heather away, Alejandro called out to her.

“I will reclaim your honor _mi novia_! You have been framed and I will expose this treachery if it's the last thing I do. Wait for me!”

* * *

 

“Heather was framed!” Alejandro insisted. “I will get to the bottom of this and whoever did this will regret the day they messed with Alejandro Burromuerto. Mark my words.”

* * *

 

Duncan and Gwen sat in the giant toilet, making out as Chris prepared to flush them. “Any last words?” Chris said unenthusiastically.

“This is total bull,” Duncan said. “But I'm with Gwen now so, it isn't all bad I guess.”

“Later,” Gwen said as the two disappeared down the drain in each other's arms.

“Bye Gwen,” Geoff called uselessly.

“Not the way I wanted to celebrate the one hundredth episode of Total Drama,” Chris sighed. “We'll be back next time on Total. Drama. All Stars.” He ended with a sad, drawn out sigh.

 


	10. The Obsta-Kill Kourse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final six take on the dreaded Obsta-Kill Kourse in a free-for-all race to the finish. Eva and Jo's new found rivalry reaches it's peak while Alejandro and Mal start having it out for the title of best Total Drama antagonist. Who will go home? Will it be Mal or Alejandro, or will Eva and Jo's explosive battles send one of them over the edge and into the toilet?

“Last time on Total Drama: we celebrated our one hundredth episode with a surprise guest appearance and a double kidnapping of the host-y and intern-y kind, but I stayed strong, no matter what the footage the editors put over my voice says. Jo proved to be quite the clingy partner and was left, heheh, hanging, as it were. Chef is a stress eater, Geoff helped out Brick with friend issues, Duncan stopped Zeke, Jo got hurt, and Heather _blew up my house!_ Luckily, nothing gets me out of a bad mood faster than upping the ow factor in a challenge. Stick around to see who goes down right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

In the girls' cabin, Eva and Jo glared at each other intensely. Since there was no one in there to stop them from fighting, the beds, nightstands, and windows were in various states of disrepair ranging from slightly broken to completely mangled. “Traitor,” Jo grumbled.

“Cling-on,” Eva spat. Jo scoffed and stormed out of the cabin, slamming the door so hard it nearly came off its hinges.

* * *

 

“Eva's going to pay for what she did to me. I won't stand for it.”

* * *

 

Meanwhile, on the boy's side, Alejandro sat on his bunk glaring angrily at everyone. Geoff yawned. “Man, those girls were fighting all night,” He said. “Did anyone else have any trouble sleeping?”

“I know I did,” Brick confirmed.

I slept like a baby,” Mal bragged. Geoff and Brick joined Alejandro in glaring at him. “What?” He shrugged. Alejandro wordlessly got up and left the cabin.

* * *

 

“Man, getting rid of Heather was as easy as scraping gum off my shoe and as satisfying as a stepping on a really annoying, skinny fire ant. Now Alejandro is going to go down even easier than she did. Without his precious Heather, he's as lost as...uh, as lost as...something that is very lost! ...That was lame.”

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Alejandro was carefully sneaking into the McLean spa hotel. He made his way to the control room from the previous episode and started digging around.

* * *

 

“Someone definitely framed Heather. And if they think they can frame my girlfriend and get away with it, they will pay dearly. When I am through with them, they will wish they never crossed Alejandro Burromuerto.”

* * *

 

He sat down at a keyboard connected to the biggest screen in the room and started digging through the files. He finally found a folder labeled “Episode 100: Zeek And Ye Shall Find.” He opened it up and found all the video files from the time the power was out.

“Either the producers skipped over these parts,” Alejandro pondered, “or there's something in here they don't want Chris to see.” He pulled up the video feed of Chris' cottage to find the newly destroyed ruins. “Too late, let's just rewind.” He reversed the footage to fifteen minutes earlier, just before the explosion and saw a small figure run into the building. “That figure. It's too skinny to be Heather, it's to tall to be Brick...” Alejandro zoomed in and saw the blurry outline of one stick thin competitor. “Mal,” Alejandro growled. He followed Mal with the cameras long enough to see him stick his book of matches under Heather's pillow. “That's how he knew to check the cabins! That greasy little snake.”

Then he found the footage of Mal's confessional immediately following the incident: “That pretty house of Chris' is long gone, and if they ever get him out of there, he'll be so angry that a certain someone has matches under her pillow that they'll be going home faster than you can say boom.” As Mal laughed maniacally, Alejandro growled and nearly broke the keyboard in his anger. Instead, he took a deep breath to compose himself and started rummaging through a drawer where he found an empty DVD and slid it into the computer sitting under the desk. He saved the footage of Mal destroying the cottage to the disc and pocketed it.

“Anything you can do I can do better,” Alejandro bragged. “And look better doing it. Before I expose your _Traición a la patria_ to Chris, I think I'll torture you a bit in today's challenge.”

Suddenly, Chris' voice sounded over the loud speaker. “Attention maggots, last one to the beach drops and gives me fifty. Hup hup hup!”

Brick burst out of the loser cabin and sprinted toward his destination with a “sir yes sir!”

* * *

 

Geoff sighed warily. “Whenever Chris starts talking like a general, I get scared for the challenge. Military based challenges always suck.”

* * *

 

Everyone reached Chris who was wearing aviator sunglasses and a round, green helmet with a star on it. Alejandro arrived last and Chris shook his head. “At ease maggots,” he said as everyone except Brick and Jo struggled to catch their breath. “It's about time you got here. I was almost getting bored. Glad you could join us, Alejandro. You know the deal: last one here means push-ups there.” He pointed to the ground.

“I was using the bathroom,” Alejandro lied. “You cannot fault me for that.”

“You mean...” Chris brandished a megaphone and yelled into it. “I was using the bathroom, _sir!_ ” Alejandro rolled his eyes and dropped to the ground.

* * *

 

“Chris is lucky I need to stay on his good side to prove that Mal's a dirty liar.”

* * *

 

Alejandro stood up and dusted himself off. “There. Didn't break a sweat.”

“Listen up worms,” Chris started. “Chef's boot camp challenge in season one was tough, but this is season five and things are about to get a whole lot more hurt-y with the Chris McLean Obsta-Kill Course. Patent pending.”

Said course was made up of four segments. The first one was a field of tires. “To win this full on race challenge and avoid getting flushed, first, you'll have to conquer the Fun Tires. Get through them, and you're on to the rope slope.” The aforementioned obstacle was a tall wooden slope with four ropes tied to anchors up top. One was a regular rope, one was darker, one was red and one was suspiciously black and hummed with electricity. “Some ropes are less reliable than others so choose wisely but not too wisely; that would spoil the fun. For me.” The next obstacle was a set of red monkey bars stretching across a small pond. “Next: the Snapping Bars!”

“Why are they called that?” Geoff asked.

“You'll see,” Chris assured him. “Then, it's on through a pleasant run through the Duck and Cover.” The Duck and Cover was simply a field with bushes, rocks, and small trees littered throughout. “Come out of that alive, and you're in for a real treat.”

“Easy,” Eva scoffed.

“In that case...” Chris threatened.

“Oh crap,” Eva sighed.

“Everyone has to wear a heavy pack through the whole challenge!” Chris said. Chef dropped six heavy backpacks in front of the contestants and they sighed.

“Thanks a lot, Eva,” Jo spat.

“Abandon your pack, and you'll face a brutal penalty. Seriously.” Then he burst out into laughter. “This is gonna be awesome!”

As everyone put on their packs, Jo pulled Brick aside. “Jockstrap Junior, I gotta tell you something.”

Uh, what is it?” Brick asked, surprised that Jo would even talk to him without insulting him.

“We need to get rid of 'Roid Girl.”

“You mean Eva? Why?”

“She left me for dead in the mine.” Jo gave Brick a quick recap of what happened and Brick gasped.

“She just let you fall? That's...that's against my code! I thought she was better than that.”

“Obviously not. Now are you gonna help me get rid of her?”

Brick thought about it a moment. “I'll think about it,” he finally said.

“Good.”

* * *

 

“Eva left a soldier behind? That's the exact opposite of my code of honor. I can't let that stand without some sort of retribution. Or...an apology?”

* * *

 

Mal approached Alejandro. “Sure sucks that your girlfriend ended up being a pyro,” he said, having completely abandoned his fake Mike voice.

Alejandro shook his head in response. “No, more like it sure is a shame that my girlfriend got framed by a sneaky little stringbean, _Mal_.”

Mal's eyes widened. “What are you getting at?”

Alejandro grabbed Mal by the collar and lifted him off the ground. “I know what you did, and I have the footage to prove it.”

“No you don't,” Mal said. “You're trying to get me to admit to something I didn't do. Besides, even if I did frame Heather, who would believe the most manipulative player in Total Drama history?”

“They would believe me over the one who all but erased his alter egos,” Alejandro shot. “Not like I need anyone to believe me when I have this.” He brandished the disc for a second and pocketed it before Mal could react. “Your hours are numbered, _amigo._ ”

Mal's eyes widened. He glared at Alejandro and seized his wrist tightly, hoping to hurt him enough to drop him. He squeezed tightly and Alejandro looked at him confused. “This is the part where you yelp in pain and let me go.”

Alejandro raised an eyebrow. “I am sorry about that, but it looks like we will be deviating from the script.”

Mal grabbed Alejandro's wrist with both hands and squeezed as hard as he could. “Does it hurt...now?”

Alejandro shook his head. “Afraid not.” He threw Mal to the ground and walked off smugly.

* * *

 

“I knew I should have erased that footage!” Mal yelled. “Now Alejandro has it. I wasn't expecting him to be so crafty. Whatever. Chris is so angry at Heather for destroying his cottage that he wouldn't listen to reason. I have nothing to worry about.”

* * *

 

Everyone gathered on the starting line, finally ready to go. “On your marks,” Chris said. “Get set, go!” He blew an air horn and everyone set off. Brick and Jo immediately broke from the pack and started weaving through the tires. This is where Brick pulled ahead.

“This is just like basic training!” Brick laughed. Right after he said it, a wooden pole shot up out of one of the tires and Jo ran right into it. “Or not...” Suddenly, he fell through a tire that had a much deeper hole than it seemed.

“You dungbeetles didn't think colonel McLean would give you a straight ahead challenge, didja?” Chris laughed.

Alejandro and Geoff ran through the tires as pillars of water erupted all around them. Alejandro grabbed the back of Geoff's shirt and pulled him backward just as water erupted from the tire in front of him. “Whoa there, amigo,” Alejandro said. “You might lose your, _cómo se dice_ , sweet hat.”

“Uh, thanks,” Geoff said.

“Hey, I need you to help me get rid of Mal,” Alejandro said quickly.

“Why are suddenly so down for kicking him out?”

“He framed Heather for destroying Chris' 'cottage.'”

“Are you sure about that? He sounds like a pretty nasty dude, but I dunno if he'd do that,” Geoff said.

“Have it your way,” Alejandro shrugged. He pushed Geoff's face into the jet of water and ran around him. Eva blew past the both of them and Alejandro called to her hoping to stop her. “Eva! You must listen to me,”

“Too busy getting ready to kick Jo's scrawny butt,” Eva said flatly.

Jo and Brick reached the end with Eva in hot pursuit. “Brick and Jo are in the lead and heading for the rope slope,” Chris commentated. “This oughta be good.”

Jo grabbed the red rope and Brick grabbed the dark brown one and they started climbing frantically. Brick slowed down and raised an eyebrow at the rope. “What the heck?” He took a sniff of the rope and recoiled.

“What's the matter,” Jo teased. “Cat got your hands?”

“No, but the dog hair does,” Chris replied.

“Dog hair?” Brick asked. “Really? That's nothing like boot camp.”

“Oh, don't be a namby pamby,” Jo said. “But hey, if you want to hand me the win, more million dollars for me.” Then a smell caught her nose. She sniffed her red rope and looked at it confused. “Licorice?” She looked down and saw Eva latch on to the rope of candy. She grinned menacingly down at Eva and took a nice bite out of the rope. “Might as well make this more fun for the two-timer.” She reached the top just in time for the rope to snap, leaving Eva to fall on her butt. She growled up at Jo while Jo continued onward.

Geoff reached the rope slope and grabbed the one normal rope directly to the right of the dog hair rope. He climbed up and quickly caught up to Brick. “Dude, what's that gnarly smell?” He asked Brick. “And I don't mean gnarly in a good way. Dude, your rope's rank.”

“It's dog hair,” Brick replied.

“Gross!”

“I know, right?”

Alejandro reached the bottom of the rope slope and yelled up at Brick. “Amigo, I need your assistance.”

“Maybe when we're not in the middle of a challenge,” Brick answered as he continued up.

“Gah, fine.” Alejandro grabbed the black rope and started climbing. “If I can get at the same pace as him, maybe I can—” He grabbed the rope in a bad spot and got shocked by the exposed wires before he could finish.

“Looks like Al found my favorite rope: the zapper,” Chris said. As he said this, Mike latched onto the dog hair rope and started climbing just as Brick got to the top.

He passed a crispy Alejandro and laughed. “See ya in the toilet, Alejandro.”

“Will anyone survive the Obsta-kill Course?” Chris asked rhetorically. “Will Alejandro become a human hot dog? Will I laugh no matter what? Yes to that, but for all the other answers, stay tuned to Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Jo had reached the snapping bars and was making it look easy when a snapping turtle jumped out of the water and latched onto the tip of her shoe. “Ow!” She cried, trying to kick the turtle away.

“Jo is first to reach the snapping bars, followed by Eva and Brick,” Chris announced. Brick was starting to get on the bars while Eva made a mad dash for Jo. When she got close enough, she jumped from her bar to Jo and grabbed her tight. She hung by Jo's waist and swung to and fro, trying to pry Jo from the bars.

“Hey, get off me!” Jo yelled.

“Not without a fight!” Eva shouted.

“How am I going to get around that?” Brick pondered. Alejandro reached the bars right after he said that and climbed to the very top of the bars and started hand walking across the top.

“Ladies,” He greeted as he passed them. Jo used Eva's momentum and swung so far she slammed Eva into the bars. Eva kept a tight hold of Jo's waist despite her efforts.

“You're gonna have to try harder than that, cheater,” Eva spat.

“Cheater? That rope was made of candy for a reason,” Jo said. “I'm sure that's exactly why that rope was licorice.” Before Eva could retort, her efforts to get Jo off the bars worked and the girl screamed as they slipped off them and into the water. They scrambled for the shore while being chewed on by turtles. When they finally got out of the water, they fell down, exhausted while Brick got past the obstacle and continued to the next portion.

Chris laughed at them as he and Chef drove by in Chef's ATV. “Alejandro takes the lead with Brick right behind him. Meanwhile, Jo and Eva here just might be out of commission.”

Eva struggled to get up. “Not yet I'm not.” She stood up shakily and when she was steady, Jo grabbed her wrist and pulled her down to help herself stand up. Then she dusted herself off and ran ahead.

* * *

 

“Jo is getting on my last nerve!” Eva yelled. She roared and punched the confessional camera, breaking the lens.

* * *

 

Geoff crossed the snapping bars and Mal was right behind him. A turtle jumped from the water and bit Geoff's butt. “Ow, my left butt cheek!” Geoff cried. Right after, a second turtle grabbed hold of him. “Ow, my right butt cheek!” Geoff yelled again.

Mal glared at Geoff. “Move it or lose it, sucker,” He snarled as he kicked Geoff off the bars and into the water below.

Alejandro hid behind a rock as Brick marched past him. He poked his head out and called to Brick. “ _Amigo_! We really need to talk.”

“Can't this wait?” Brick asked. “We're kind of busy here.” He turned and ran on.

Alejandro sprinted after him. “Wait, I figured out who blew up Chris' mansion.”

“Wasn't it Heather?”

Alejandro frowned. “It absolutely was not. Heather was framed by—” Suddenly, he was struck on the forehead by a leech. “Ow. What the...?”

Brick looked ahead to see Chris sitting on a huge rock and Chef standing behind him with a big paintball gun. “Forgot to mention: this is Chef's favorite place to unwind with some leechball target practice so you better duck or you better find cover.”

Chef fired at Brick and he quickly jumped out of the way and found a shrub to hide behind. The leech fired at him ended up hitting Alejandro in the chest. He fell to his knees as they started sucking blood and making him woozy while several more leeches hit him just for good measure.

* * *

 

“Okay, correction to my previous statements: this is like boot camp if the drill sergeant was insane!”

* * *

 

“And Brick takes the lead,” Chris said. “But Eva and Jo are coming up fast.”

Eva and Jo sprinted through the field weaving through the trees, bushes and rocks and narrowly avoiding leeches. Eva shoved Jo into a bush, where she landed on top of Brick. “Ow, watch it!” Jo shouted down at Brick.

“Sorry, ma'am, couldn't help it,” Brick groaned.

Jo shook her head and jumped up to get going again. Her backpack got caught on a branch before she could go far though. “Stupid foliage,” She grumbled as she slipped out of her pack and continued onward.

“Jo, what about your pack?” Brick called after her. “You'll get a penalty.”

“I'll deal with it when I win,” Jo called back. Brick jumped into action behind her and before long, Jo had caught up to Eva with Brick right behind the both of them.

Mal hid behind a rock as several leeches stuck to it fast. He looked around for a hiding spot he could run to and found nothing. Geoff, who had made it out of the water at the snapping bars, joined him against his better judgment. “I see you survived the turtles,” Mal greeted.

“No thanks to you,” Geoff said unamused. “Look man, I try to see the good in everyone, but looking for the good in you is like finding a needle in a haystack. A haystack that doesn't even have a needle in it! What's your deal, bro?”

Mal frowned. “Right now, you're my deal.” He grabbed Geoff's wrist and shoved him into the open, where several leeches hit him at once. Geoff wobbled and fell over while Mal used the distraction to move on. He ducked behind a bush to find Alejandro, still woozy and still dealing with several leeches adorning his ridiculously pretty face. “Oh, do you need help with those leeches?”

Alejandro scoffed. “As if. You couldn't help yourself out of a paper bag.”

Unamused, Mal pushed Alejandro into the open, where Chef fired several more leeches at him. Alejandro sat, woozy and unmotivated, contemplating his life choices while Mal ran ahead. “I can't wait to see you get flushed, Al.”

In response, Alejandro growled like a rabid dog and stood up calmly. He plucked every single leech off of his body and when he was done, he charged forward with an angry roar. He practically trampled Mal and ran to join Brick, Eva and Jo at the end of the field. He showed no signs of slowing down, but when Brick held out an arm to stop him, Alejandro slid to a stop. “Whoa! _Madre mia_!” Alejandro was looking down a sheer cliff into several sharp rocks jutting out of a small river. On the other edge of the chasm stood Chris and above the contestants heads were two zip lines.

“Told ya you were in for a treat,” Chris called into his megaphone. “This is it maggots: the final obstacle. All you gotta do is get to where I'm standing alive.”

“How do you expect us to do that?” Eva asked.

“Hello?” Chris responded. “Backpacks?”

Eva and Brick dropped their packs to reveal a helmet and zip lining equipment in each pack. “Oh no,” Brick groaned. “Not zip lining again...”

“You didn't say we were gonna need our packs,” Jo yelled across the canyon.

“Told ya there'd be a penalty, bro,” Chris said. “Sucks to be you.

* * *

 

“So I left my stupid backpack full of stupid zip lining stuff behind. I had a better plan.”

* * *

 

Eva prepared her stuff the fastest and was off immediately. Brick was right behind her, but right before he shoved off, Jo latched onto him much like Eva did to Jo back at the snapping bars. “What the—? Get off me!” Brick tried to shake Jo off.

“This'll work, trust me,” Jo assured him as they picked up speed.

Alejandro got on right after that, which left Mal and Geoff to set up their stuff last. “And the race for last place begins as the race for first is about to end,” Chris announced. “Eva looks unbeatable, but wait!” The slightly panicky Brick and the calm Jo were catching up to Eva fast, but Jo's extra weight seemed to only help Brick so much.

“Hold on, Soldier Boy,” Jo jumped off Brick and latched onto Eva's waist, slowing her down and letting Brick slide by.

“Hey! You do know you'll lose too, right?” Eva growled.

“As long as you don't win!” Their combined weight was too much for the clip holding them above the water, and it broke just in time to dump them at Chris' feet. They went tumbling toward the finish line and crossed it right after Brick did.

“And Jo throws herself under the bus so that Brick can win immunity!” Chris shouted. “And thanks to that, Eva comes in third.”

Eva untangled herself from Jo and stomped her foot. “ _What?_ I crossed before she did!”

“Not the way I see it,” Chris said as Alejandro, Mal, and Geoff crossed the finish line in that order.

Eva screamed in anger and picked Jo up by her collar. “You'll pay for this, you!” She roared as she prepared to punch her.

“Hey man, calm down,” Geoff pleaded as he discarded his helmet. “You lost fair and square.”

In response, Eva dropped Jo and decked Geoff, sending him sprawling.

“Eva!” Brick yelled. “What are you doing?” Eva took off her helmet and hurled it at Brick, who took it to the stomach and doubled over in pain.

“Oh, bonus ouchies,” Chris laughed. “You can count your bruises while I count the votes tonight. Brick has immunity from the Flush of Shame so who's going home, I wonder?”

Everyone glared at Eva, except for Alejandro and Mal, who glared at each other.

* * *

 

Geoff was nursing a black eye. “Okay, I gave Eva a fair chance, but she is so out of here. First Mike turns out to be Mal, and now Eva pulls this stunt again? There's almost no good guys in this season!”

* * *

 

“I need to get Alejandro off my tail,” Mal mused. “If only he had screwed something up, then we would have good reason to send him packing. Oh well, I guess I'll just let the chips fall where they may.”

* * *

 

Alejandro walked to the confessional to put in his vote and was met with a fuming Mal. “Greetings, pyro,” Alejandro said loudly, hoping someone would hear. “Blown up any good mansions lately?”

Mal glared at Alejandro in response. “Why don't you go jump into those snapping turtles, Al?”

Alejandro pushed Mal to the ground in response. “ _Uno_ , you never call me Al ever again, or you will deeply regret it. _Dos_ , you should not act so smug around someone who has incriminating evidence of you framing his girlfriend. Lastly, you better enjoy this place while you can, because you won't ever be coming back once I tell Chris tonight after the campfire ceremony.”

“I'm not scared of you,” Mal insisted.

“Oh really? Listen, the only reason I'm not voting to send you home tonight is so that you are here to receive all of Chris' rage when he finds out who really destroyed his precious summer home. If I wanted, I could send you packing right now and no one would ever know, but you will face up to what you have done, and I will laugh in your face when you do. Good day.” He walked onward, but Mal grabbed his ankle and tripped him before getting up himself.

“I'll find that footage,” Mal promised. “And I will delete it off the face of the earth.”

“Sure you will,” Alejandro said, trying to keep his composure. “Now get out of my sight before I do something we'll both regret.

“Congratulations campers,” Chris said later that night at the campfire. “This was the fastest voting process in Total Drama history. The votes are nearly unanimous, except for someone who voted for Alejandro,” Chris faked a coughing fit during which he loudly said Mal's name. “But everyone else voted for Eva to surf the porcelain wave machine.

Eva slouched. “Dang it...”

“Gee, what a shame,” Chris said. “Except not really. First, Brick and a camper of his choice get to share the spa hotel with yours truly. Brick, who ya bringing?”

Brick thought for a moment. “Geoff is a really good friend of mine, but Jo helped me win...”

“Cheater,” Eva spat.

“So I think I'm gonna go with Jo. Is that okay, Geoff?”

“Of course, man,” Geoff said. “No harsh feelings here bro.”

“So wait, who's going to Boney Island?” Mal asked, hoping to ship Alejandro off for the night.

“Well, our Boney Island express driver kind of got flushed, so we've decided that there will be no more Boney Island visits for the duration of this game.”

Everyone cheered except for Mal and Eva, the latter of whom sat in the toilet moments later and sighed. “I guess I let my anger get to me. Again. For the third time.”

“Sounds like Total Drama just isn't for you,” Chris said.

“You're right. I'm never stepping foot on this crappy island ever again.”

“Not if your contract has anything to say about it,” Chris reminded her.

“What?” Eva demanded. “McLean!” She screamed Chris' name as she disappeared down the pipes once and for all.

Before Chris could do his outro, Alejandro slid onto the dock. “Chris, I need to tell you something of utmost importance.”

“Can it wait?” Chris asked. “I'm kind of doin' an outro here.”

“Your show can wait,” Alejandro said as he fished the DVD out of his pocket. “I need to show you the footage on this disc immediately.”

Give it to an intern or something, I'll get to it tomorrow.”

“You need to see it tonight.”

“Tomorrow,” Chris repeated sternly. “Now get out of here before I send you down that drain too.”

Alejandro sighed. “As you wish,” he said as he walked off.

“Anyway, what's Alejandro babbling on about? To find out, you'll have to tune in next time when the final five become the fortunate four right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	11. Sundae Muddy Sundae

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The last five campers must scrape together the most dangerous homemade ice cream treats ever for Chris' malnourished interns by traversing the island and battling bears, sheer drops, robots and flowers. While Brick tries his best to get on Jo's questionably existent good side, Mal and Alejandro continue waging the war of the bad guys and Geoff's just kind of in the way. Who will come out on top and who will get sent home in the most dramatic campfire ceremony ever?

“Last time on Total Drama All Stars: Alejandro found a disc containing some sort of incriminating evidence or whatever and decided to duke it out with Mal, who tried—and failed—to be intimidating. Gotta work on that upper arm strength if you're gonna be hurting anyone, spaghetti noodle. The final six ran the dreaded Obsta-kill Course and proved that the old saying is true: whatever doesn't kill you makes you really, really sore. The winner? Brick; thanks to Jo and her all out rivalry with Eva. The flushee? Eva of course, who threw the world's biggest temper tantrum in reaction to _third place_. How short of a fuse can you get? Only five players remain. Who will live to play another day and who will go sight-seeing in sewer city via the dreaded Flush of Shame? Find out right here, right now on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Jo entered the dining hall to find Brick already halfway through a bowl of cereal. “You're awake ten minutes late,” Brick said in greeting.

“How do you know when I usually get up?” Jo asked.

“I learned from our rivalry last season that we always get up for a jog at the exact same time,” Brick explained. “Right now it's ten after 0600, which is when we get up.”

“That's uh, a little weird.”

“Is it? I'm sorry,” Brick said. “I just thought it was a funny coincidence and...I'll shut up now.”

Jo sat down and told the butler what she wanted in excruciating detail. Afterward, she nodded at Brick. “So why did you bring me here? We kind of hate each other.”

“Speak for yourself, ma'am. I don't have a problem with you. And I brought you here with me because if it weren't for you, I wouldn't have won the last challenge. I know you did it so Eva would lose, but it means a lot to me that you were willing to help me over yourself. It was very valiant of you.”

“Don't get any ideas. I did it for myself in the end,” Jo reminded him.

“I'm aware. I just wanted to show you I'm thankful for your help. A kind friend once told me that if you do something nice for someone else, they'll do something nice in return.”

“I see.”

* * *

 

“Brick's just a big softy. How he made it ten minutes past the merge is way beyond me. This isn't about friendship or caring. We're here to win. For ourselves! No one else.”

* * *

 

“Attention punching bags,” Chris' voice rang out across the island. “Please gather in the forest clearing and please bring your padded undies because today's challenge is a butt kicker!”

Jo sprang out of the spa hotel, followed by Brick soon after. Geoff approached Brick and offered a high five. “So how was being locked up with Jo for ya, dude?” He asked after Brick high fived him.

Brick shrugged. “It could have gone better. She still doesn't like me.”

“That's okay, man. This stuff takes time. Now let's get going.”

“Yes sir!”

* * *

 

“Geoff is a great friend. I'm glad to have him around.”

* * *

 

“Alejandro is a huge, annoying, handsome thorn in my side!” Mal yelled. “If it weren't for Eva throwing a hissy fit, he would be out of my hair by now and no one would ever figure out what I did. Luckily, there's nothing stopping us from voting him out today.”

* * *

 

On the way to the challenge's location, Alejandro smacked Mal in the back of the head as he passed him. “How's it going, twiglegs?” He asked.

“Better than it is for your girlfriend, I'm sure,” Mal spat.

Alejandro whirled around and socked Mal in the face, sending him to the ground. “Don't you dare mock Heather in front of me.”

Geoff had seen this violence and hesitantly intervened. “Whoa man, what happened here?”

Mal resumed his Mike voice in a desperate bid to fool Geoff. “Alejandro just freakin' knocked me to the ground! Right as I gained control back from Mal too. What a jerk.”

Geoff gasped. “Mike? Buddy? You back?”

Alejandro raised an eyebrow, confused. “What the? There's no way you switched personalities that quickly. You were Mal when I hit you. That is why I hit you.”

“Why exactly did you hit him?” Geoff asked.

“He was mocking my girlfriend.”

“I know that feeling, bro. But Mike's a bit volatile right now and who knows what decking the dude might do to him.”

“Yeah,” Mal said.

Alejandro grumbled. “Fine. But if he turns out to be Mal faking it, it is your funeral.”

“How're you doing, buddy?” Geoff asked as he helped Mal up.

“I think I'll be okay,” Mal answered.

“No I mean like, in general dude? We haven't seen you in a while.”

Mal shrugged. It had been a while since using his Mike voice, but he was fooling Geoff as easily as ever. “It's been...an experience. I'll tell ya that.”

“Well, I hope you can keep control for a while,” Geoff said as he patted Mal on the back.

Mal faked a fit of switching personalities with a deep gasp and resumed his usual behavior. “What are you doing here, blondie? Get lost.”

Geoff frowned and turned away. “Fine,” he scoffed.

* * *

 

“I forgot how much I loved fooling that brainless party guy. Maybe I could work with his undying trust.”

* * *

 

Eventually the campers arrived at their destination, where they found Chris, a digital map, a starting line, and two very miserable looking interns. “Behold my sad skinny interns,” Chris said, motioning to the two black haired guests. “I totally forgot to feed them this week.” He and Mal shared at laugh at the interns' misfortune and he continued. “I know, funny right? So today's challenge is a race to make a delicious sundae and serve it up to good ol'....What's-his-name and Whoozits over here.”As he explained the challenge, Chef passed out empty bowls to everyone. “So to make this fun for me, you'll have to travel to the most dangerous areas on the island to procure the ingredients of this dessert. Your ice cream awaits at the top of the diving cliff, which the ice machine's been making nice and slippery all week. Your maraschino cherries are perched on a rock in the swamp. You'll find crushed peanuts in the old cafeteria, an the final ingredient, chocolate sauce, can be found in a pool surrounding a recently planted mutant fire flower.”

“You're sick, McLean,” Jo spat after Chef handed out the bowls and promptly disappeared.

“Prison changed me,” Chris shrugged.

“Like it's gonna change Heather,” Mal laughed.

“The first person to have their sundae completely consumed by the interns wins.” Chris pulled out an air horn and prepared to blow it. “On your marks, go!” He blew the air horn and everyone set off. Once he was out of Chris' line of sight, Aejandro slid to a stop. Once no one else could see him, he started snooping around the campgrounds.

* * *

 

“If Chris won't listen to me, I'll have to find someone who will.”

* * *

 

Alejandro passed by the communal washroom just as Chef walked out. “Chef!” Alejandro greeted. “What a pleasant surprise to see you here.”

“By the washroom?”

“Uh, yes. Look, I need to share with you something very, very important and I cannot go to anyone else with this very sensitive information.”

“Why's it gotta be me?” Chef asked.

“Because with Heather gone, I feel you are the one person I can truly trust around here. Even if you shoot leeches at me and try to feed me compost.” Alejandro dug in his pocket and produced a disc. “Please make sure you watch this DVD and make double sure Chris sees what is on it.”

“Why should I?”

“Because I know I can trust you to do it swiftly and efficiently like the true culinary master you are.”

Chef smiled. “You sure know how to lay on the charm. Fine, I'll do it.” Chef took the disc and put it in his apron pocket. “Now get to your challenge.”

“It will be my pleasure,” Alejandro assured him as he set off.

Geoff struggled to climb the snow-covered diving cliff, ending up on four legs crawling through the dense snow. Jo blew past him without breaking a sweat. “Out of the way!” She called as she passed. As she did so, she kicked up a good amount of snow, which found itself covering Geoff's face.

“Not cool!” Geoff yelled after her.

Mal ran by the shivering Geoff right after Jo did. “Should have worn a shirt, smart one.”

Jo reached the top of the cliff and immediately slipped on ice. Chris' voice sounded as she slid right past a snowman made of ice cream and surrounded by spoons planted in the snow. The snowman's head was made of strawberry, its mid-section was chocolate, and the huge snowball supporting it was made of vanilla, making it a delicious Neapolitan ice cream man. “This just in: Jo is the first one to reach the ice cream.”

Jo celebrated with a fist in the air but soon slid right over the edge. “No!” She shouted as she grabbed at an icicle hanging off the cliff. She managed to get a hold of it and dangled over the one-hundred foot drop. “Oh, not again,” She groaned.

Mal grabbed a spoon from the ground and took one scoop of ice cream from each of the snowman's segments. “Mal has scooped up first place!” Chris called excitedly.

“Oh great,” Geoff grumbled, still not even halfway up the mountain. Mal sat down on the hill and slid down on the snow, tripping up the other three contestants as he passed them and sending them tumbling down after him. The only one who recovered before losing too much ground was Alejandro, who shortly made it to the top of the mountain.

Just after Alejandro took the slope down, Geoff and Brick decided to help each other up the mountain. As they were getting their scoops, Jo finally manged to climb back up onto the cliff with her bowl on her head so she could use both arms. “Jo, do you need help?” Brick asked upon seeing her struggle to get up.

“We don't have time, dude,” Geoff told him as he pulled him along to the next destination.

Jo scoffed. “Like I even want your help!” She yelled after them as they slid down the mountain. “You're both gonna lose, with or without helping me.” She ran at the snowman to get her scoops just as a bear was sniffing the ice cream curiously. “I may be behind, but I'm as sure-footed as a—whoa!” Before she could finish bragging, Jo lost her footing and started sliding around out of control again. She smacked into the snowman and fell backwards on her butt. The strawberry head of the snowman fell on the bear's head, causing it to roar at her in outrage.

* * *

 

“Let's get this straight: I wasn't _afraid_ of the bear, I was screaming to confuse it so I could make my getaway.”

* * *

 

Mal waded through the swamp muck, pinching his nose as he approached the bowl of cherries perched on a rock. “This place stinks,” he complained.

“And Mal is the first to the cherries!” Chris called as Mal plucked a cherry out of the bowl and placed it on top of his ice cream. “Will he keep his lead? Not if Snappy has anything to say about it.”

“Snappy?” Mal looked behind him to see a crocodile surfacing to stare at him murderously. Mal gasped but before he could react further, Alejandro swung in on a vine and landed right on Snappy's head, sending the crocodile unconscious into the murky waters.

“Bet that hurt,” Alejandro laughed as he grabbed a cherry.

“Uh, thanks,” Mal said hesitantly.

“Sure, no problem, _amigo_ ,” Alejandro said. Suddenly, he gasped a pointed to an area behind Mal. “ _Madre de dios!_ Look behind you!”

Mal gasped and whirled around. “Where?” While he wasn't looking, Alejandro put his hand on Mal's head and pushed down, submerging Mal nearly completely in the marsh waters. He used this force as leverage to jump to solid ground and continue ahead.

“Oops, false alarm!” He laughed as Mal surfaced and struggled to breathe.

“Alejandro takes the lead!” Chris announced.

Geoff reached the swamp alone. “We made it to the swamp. Brick?” He looked around for his friend. “Uh, Brick?” Brick had been left behind on accident when he ran smack into a tree, which he was still recovering from. Geoff shrugged. “Dude's resourceful. He'll catch up.” He started wading through the chest deep water and suddenly stopped. “What the...? My foot's stuck!” Geoff struggled to free his foot from whatever he was stuck in.

Meanwhile, Jo floated by standing on a log she found. She sighed happily. “Oh man, that's too bad. You know, if you had helped me earlier, I would have offered you a hand, but...not in a million years. See you in the toilet.” She grabbed a cherry and turned her log around to float right back to safety.

* * *

 

“How funny,” Jo said in the confessional. “I have three scoops of ice cream and one cherry, but all I taste is victory!”

* * *

 

Geoff struggled to get out as he was approached by Snappy the crocodile. “Uh oh...Nice gator, uh, pretty gator. Don't eat me now, okay? Please?” Snappy lunged at Geoff but before anything else happened, Chris paused his screen back at the finish line.

“Wow. He's just swamped! Who will survive the sundae challenge, and who's about to become tomorrow's wildlife leftovers? Find out after the break on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Snappy lunged at Geoff, who panicked and threw whatever was in his hand, which happened to be a dense clump of mud he had somehow grabbed in his desperation. The clump flew into the crocodile's mouth and stopped him in his tracks. He gagged on the mud and swam away while Geoff struggled to get free. Brick wadded by and wordlessly offered his hand. “Hey man, where you been?” Geoff asked.

“I kind of had a run in with some stray foliage,” Brick explained. “It's all good now though. Let's move out!” Geoff nodded and took his hand. Brick pulled him out of the mud and they both grabbed the cherries they needed together before moving on.

Alejandro ran inside the old cafeteria while Chris' voice blared as usual. “And Alejandro is the first to reach the crushed nut zone where he'll face off against the newly rebuilt Total Drama Machine.”

Alejandro froze with his hands over a bowl of crushed nuts. “The what?” Out from the shadows rolled a very shabby, barely held together Drama Machine, complete with one eye and several LED's missing and one hand replaced with a huge wooden mallet. “Hello darkness, my old friend,” Alejandro greeted bitterly. “You've looked better.” In response, the robot raised its mallet hand and took a swing at Alejandro. He ducked and grabbed a handful of nuts. The machine had him cornered against a wall when he saw Mal sneak in and start to grab a handful behind the machine's back. “Mal!” Alejandro shouted. “Watch out for the robot.” The machine turned to look at Mal and beeped angrily.

The robot chased Mal around the cafeteria while Alejandro nonchalantly walked out. The robot swung at Mal, but its hammer hand got embedded in the wall. Mal grabbed a handful of nuts before it could free itself and ran out of the cafeteria, where he bumped into Jo. The impact sent Mal to the ground and Jo laughed. “Nice try, Small Fry, but you need to be at least a medium fry to affect me.

Mal frowned. “I hope that robot tears you to pieces,” he spat.

Jo walked into the cafeteria with a scoff. “I can handle anything any robot can dish out.” She walked in and was greeted almost immediately by a mallet to the face. She fell to the ground and heard Mal's laughter at her misery as he ran off. “I can't handle that thing while it's guarding the door so closely,” Jo said to herself when she regained her senses. “I'm gonna need a distraction.” Almost immediately, she spotted Brick and Geoff running for the cafeteria. “Perfect.” She lay back down and pretended to be knocked unconscious.

Upon seeing this, Brick stopped in his tracks and got to his knees beside Jo. “Jo, are you okay?”

“She'll be fine,” Geoff said. “Let's go.”

“I think she really needs help this time,” Brick protested.

“Yeah well, she didn't help me when I needed it.”

“That's probably because we didn't help her back at the cliff. Face it, Geoff, if we don't help her now, it will just be a vicious cycle.”

Geoff sighed. “Okay, you're right. Let's wake her up.”

Tired of their shenanigans, Jo pretended to wake up with a false groan.

“Are you okay?” Brick asked.

“I'm fine. You should ask the robot if it's okay,” Jo replied.

“What robot?” Brick asked.

“See for yourself.”

Brick hesitantly stepped inside the cafeteria and screamed at the Drama Machine. It chased him around the room while Jo sneakily grabbed some nuts and ran off. “See ya, suckers!” She yelled as she ran. Geoff crossed his arms and frowned.

* * *

 

“She tricked poor old Brick into distracting the robot! You know, on second thought, maybe some friendships aren't worth the trouble.”

* * *

 

Geoff ran into the cafeteria. “Brick, I'll save you!”

Brick ran past Geoff pursued by the Drama Machine. “Not now. Just get the nuts and go! I'll catch up.”

“Um, are you sure?”

“Absolutely. I'll be able to handle myself,” As he said this, Brick narrowly dodged the robot's hammer arm. “Eventually. Now go!”

Geoff hesitated, but finally grabbed a handful of nuts and ran off.

Alejandro ducked behind a rock and stared in awe at the fire flower. “And Alejandro is the first to reach the chocolate fire zone,” Chris declared. “But Mal is hot on his heels and fueled by rage, so it's still anybody's game.”

Mal ran past Alejandro and slid to a stop in front of the chocolate pool while the flower wasn't looking. “Now to just quietly...” He knelt to the ground and dipped his hand in the chocolate. Before he could do anything else, Alejandro jumped out from behind the rock.

“Mal, look out!” Alejandro yelled. The fire flower turned to Mal and blew fire at him, which he narrowly dodged by jumping all the way back to where Alejandro stood.

“Would you stop doing that?” Mal demanded.

“Nah,” Alejandro shrugged. He ran around the fire flower, which was still focusing on Mal and scooped up the chocolate and put it on his sundae. “ _Perfecto_!” He shouted as he ran ahead.

* * *

 

“Alejandro is getting on my last nerve! That's it, this challenge is getting too close for my liking. It's time for a little bit of sabotage.”

* * *

 

Mal was dancing around the flower, narrowly avoiding the fire and desperately trying to get a handful of chocolate long enough for both Jo and Geoff to get their own. He ducked behind the huge rock Alejandro had hid behind and caught his breath. He spotted a smaller rock and picked it up. “Let's _rock_ ,” he cackled. He jumped out from behind the rock and before the flower could blow fire at him, he shoved the rock in its “mouth” and dipped his bowl in the chocolate. He ran off and the flower exploded, badly searing the chocolate pool and rendering it inedible.

Brick arrived just as Mal was leaving and saw the remains of the chocolate pond. “What the devil happened here?” He dipped his hand in the still hot former pond and came up with several simmering chocolate coals. “I can't use this! But, I can't go against Chris' orders.” With a sigh, Brick sprinkled the coals on the ice cream, which started to steam. “Oh no, it's melting! I better get to Chris fast.” To top it all off, a bird flying overhead left a present for Brick, which landed square in his bowl. “Oh gross!”

Alejandro, Jo, Geoff and Mal ran at full speed toward the finish line. “Not a bonehead in sight!” Jo celebrated, referencing how far behind Brick was. Geoff frowned and sped up his pace, hoping to outrun Jo so she wouldn't get invincibility.

Suddenly, Brick burst from the bushes triumphantly. “Guess who found a shortcut!” Brick crossed the finish line followed by a disappointed Jo, a cheering Geoff and the indifferent Alejandro and Mal. “I win!” Brick cheered. “Now for the interns to...eat my...sundae.” Brick cringed at the look of the disgusting sundae he made.

“Surprise,” Chris said. “Change of plans: you have to eat your own sundaes.”

Geoff, Jo and Mal smiled as they prepared to eat and Alejandro sighed. “I'm not exactly a fan of ice cream...”

Brick nearly barfed just looking at his sundae. “First to finish wins immunity!” Chris called as Chef stuck spoons into everyone's bowls. “Everyone else is on the chopping block, so dig in!”

As they ate, Jo put a hand to her forehead and cried in anguish. “Brain freeze!” Geoff pointed at her and laughed with a mouthful of ice cream. “Real easy to laugh when you don't have a brain to freeze,” Jo spat.

“You're just jealous I'm almost done,” Geoff said.

Suddenly, Mal threw his empty bowl down like it was a football after a touchdown. “Done!” He said triumphantly.

“Boom! Just like that, Mal wins immunity!” Chris said. Mal cheered while everyone else groaned.

Brick sighed. “At least I'm done having to eat this...”

“Not so fast,” Chris said. “Everyone has to eat their own sundae. All of it. You won't get anything else to eat until you finish the sundae you thought was good enough to feed my interns. I wouldn't feed them that,” he finished as one of the interns fell over.

“It's not my fault,” Brick said. “Someone must have ruined the chocolate.”

“But you're the one who put it in your sundae,” Chris countered.

“What was I supposed to do? Skip the chocolate?”

“Uh, yeah,” Chris said.

Brick sighed again as Chef pulled Chris to the side. “Uh, Chris? There's something I need to show you.”

Hearing this, Alejandro smirked at Mal. “What are you smiling at?” Mal asked. “I won immunity.”

“Sure you did, _compadre_. Sure you did.”

That night, everyone gathered around the campfire, Brick still staring dejectedly at his monstrosity of a sundae. “Your sundae smells like the outhouse, dude,” Geoff said.

“I know,” Brick sighed. “It's kind of a long story.”

“Elimination time, contestants,” Chris said. “Tonight, Mal got immunity and Brick's on the chopping block for trying to poison my interns. It's time to vote.”

* * *

 

“Brick's finally gonna be out of my hair!” Jo rejoiced.

* * *

 

“Since I cannot vote for Mal tonight, I guess my vote will have to go to the person who finished last and would logically go home. No hard feelings, Cadet Smelly, but it is time we bid you _adios_.”

* * *

 

“I've tabulated the votes,” Chris announced. “And with three votes against him, Brick is going home.” Brick sighed as he stood up to go to the dock, but Chris put his hand on Brick's chest to stop him. “However. I need to show you something before we do that.” Chef wheeled in a big plasma screen with a DVD player underneath it.

“Oh, I do love movies,” Alejandro said smugly.

Chris clicked a button on a remote and the screen displayed the former Chris' cottage. The camera zoomed in to see Mal running into the house with a stick of dynamite in hand. Moments later, Mal ran out just before the building exploded, sending debris sky high, and the TV transitioned to a confessional tape. “That pretty house of Chris' is long gone, and if they ever get him out of that mine, he'll be so angry that a certain someone has matches under her pillow that she'll be going home faster than you can say boom.” To accompany the sound of his maniacal laughter, the footage showed Mal slipping a box of matches under Heather's pillow.

Mal gasped. “ _What?_ ”

“Looks like we have a dirty dirty liar,” Chris said. As he said this, a helicopter descended on the contestants. Two men in big white coats dropped down on ropes and surrounded Mal. “I've alerted the authorities and informed them to let Heather go. Mal, instead of taking Heather's place in the big house, you'll be going to the big _rubbery_ house. Take him away.”

The two men grabbed Mal's arms and forced him into a white straightjacket before escorting him to the rope leading up to the helicopter. “No!” Mal screamed. “You can't take me back there! I swore I'd never go back. You can't do this to me! I'm never going back there again! No! I have invincibility!”

“Destroying my stuff and blaming someone else trumps invincibility. Sorry dude.”

“Mike!” Brick called.

Mal gasped and Mike emerged. “Brick? Brick! What's happening? Oh no, are they taking me back? Oh man...”

“Mike, I want to say good luck,” Brick said. “We'll miss you. Me and Zoey and Cameron, we'll all be sending you happy thoughts.”

“Gee, that means a lot to me Brick,” Mike said as the men tied the rope around his waist.

“I just have one question.”

“What's that Brick?”

“Which one of you is the original? Mal or Mike?”

Mike sighed. “You see, uh, about that. I'm not even su—” Before he could finish, the men tugged on the rope and it yanked Mike up and aboard the helicopter, which flew away to a better place for Mike and his personalities.

“No one messes with Alejandro!” Alejandro celebrated.

“Yes yes, we know,” Chris said with an eye roll. “Anyway, wow! Is Mal really Mal, is is Mal still Mike? Maybe Mike was always Mal.” He produced a glass from behind his back. “This...is milk.” He downed the drink before continuing on. “Since Mike or Mal or whatever is gone, Brick's safe. For now. And since now there's no one to be in the spa hotel, I'll go ahead and give that to second place. Congratulations, Geoff.”

“Yes!” Geoff cheered. “Can I take Brick along?”

“From here on, winners can't take someone along with them to the spa hotel,” Chris explained. “Final four thing. I think you understand.”

Later, Geoff reclined in a luxurious bed, sighing happily. “It is so good to be back.” He opened his eyes and looked around the room, which was practically stuffed to the brim with paintings of Chris. “Except, when did all this get here?”

Suddenly, the actual Chris burst out from one of the paintings. “Only four competitors remain! Who's here to stay and who's gonna get flushed away? Good paintings, right? Find out next time on an all new Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 


	12. The Bold and the Booty-ful

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Final Four go on their own separate treasure hunts! Alejandro and Jo must test their might against fearsome opponents, Brick must deal with being on his own for the first time this season, and Geoff's just kind of screwed. Shouldn't have ticked off the host, dude. Who will advance and who will wish they never came?

“Last time on Total Drama All Stars: the final five went on a slippery, saucy, sundae shopping spree with extra 'are you nuts?' Speaking of slips, Mal probably should have done something about that incriminating footage before I finally got to see it. Or is he Mike? Or was he ever Mal? I dunno. Either way, thanks to his latest dirty trick, he won the challenge, but invincibility doesn't amount to much when I'm short one house, so he got the watery boot. Four more players remain, but not for long.” Chris was interrupted by a strange fart-like sound off camera. “Uh, okay... Who's going to the finale?” Another fart sound interrupted him again. “And who's going to get a bacterial infection if _someone_ doesn't quit using the Flush of Shame?” The sasquatch sitting on the giant toilet growled at Chris in response. “Seriously bro, we put _people_ in there! Anyway, it's all or nothing time right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

As the crickets chirped, Brick sat on the steps to the loser cabin and sighed. Alejandro approached him from the boys' side of the cabin. “What are you doing out here? Aren't you tired? I know a long day of losing would surely make me tired, if I ever lost, that is.”

Brick ignored the insult. “I'm just thinking about things is all.”

“I see,” Alejandro said. “Well, it is your loss. Good night.” With that, Alejandro went back into the cabin.

* * *

 

“So the good news is that I'm in the final four!” Brick said happily. “I never thought I'd get this far ever. I owe it all to my friends Geoff and Cameron, Zoey and Mike... The sad part is that I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Mike getting sent back to the looney bin—er, mental hospital.” He sighed again. “I sure hope he's alright. Anyway, I just have to focus on the challenge at hand and hey, when I win, maybe I can send some extra cash his way to help him out while he's in there. I just hope Geoff would be willing to help me until we get to the finals.”

* * *

 

Geoff reclined in the hot tub at the spa hotel. “Aw, I haven't been in a hot tub this great for as long as I can remember. This is awesome!” Suddenly, Chris approached him with a towel wrapped around his waist.

“Hey, roomie!” He said. “As you know, my house kinda got destroyed, so I'm staying here with you, the winners.”

“Gee, that's...great,” Geoff said.

“Hey, it's no fun for me either,” Chris said as Geoff got hit in the face with the towel. “I lost everything. Including my swimtrunks.” When Geoff pulled the towel off his face, Chris was sitting in the hot tub with a smug grin.

“Uh, ew...”

* * *

 

“Final four baby! Woo!” Geoff celebrated in his own confessional. “I've never gotten this far on Total Drama before. I'm super stoked to be so close to winning! At the same time, it's sorta depressing thinkin' about how many of my friends had to lose for me to get to this point. And Mike's whole deal is a bummer just to think about, man. But hey, I never let a little bit of sadness get me down, and now's not the time to start. Million dollars here I come!”

* * *

 

“Of course I'm in the final four. I am Alejandro Burromuerto and Burromuertos don't lose. That million belongs to me and Heather, and if any of those losers have anything to say about it, they will have to pry it from my cold dead hands.”

* * *

 

“Do I feel like I'll make it past the final four? Absolutely,” Jo said. “I'm gonna make it all the way this year! Just look at my competition and try to tell me otherwise. I mean, there's Colonel Mustard Shorts who has the IQ of the thing he's named after and Mister Party Boat, who only got this far because of sheer luck. My only real competition is Alejandro, and without Heather, he's way off his game. I can tell. Furthermore, they have to share one tiny little room, whereas I'm the only girl left on the island, so I get that half of the cabin all to myself. Trust me, it helps a lot. I am a shoe-in for that million bucks!”

* * *

 

The next morning, Geoff was sitting down to a meal when Chris stomped in, furious. “Man, I'm so bored!” Chris whined. “I miss my cottage. Did you know the soap here is made of soap? What am I, a peasant? And 600 thread count bed sheets? It's like sleeping on sand paper! How do you live like this?”

Geoff rolled his eyes. “Uh, huh... Hey Chris, can I share somethin' with ya? One host to another?”

“What is it?” Chris asked, getting delirious.

“Get over it! Your 'cottage' has been gone for like, ever dude. It's time for your heart to go on.”

Chris glared at Geoff. “Alright, that's it. _Someone's_ getting a disadvantage in the challenge today!” He spat before stomping out of the room.

“Whoops...”

Outside, Brick and Jo finished their separate jogs just outside the loser cabin. Jo was hardly phased and Brick was feeling winded. “What's wrong, Dampy?” Jo asked. “Didn't get enough cuddle time in the big fancy spa hotel?”

“No,” Brick retorted. “I just haven't been getting very good sleep these past few days.”

“Oh, boo hoo. Good thing you've got your buddy Geoff to carry you through the challenges, huh?”

“He does not carry me,” Brick protested. “We both help each other out equally.”

“Yeah, sure.”

Suddenly, Chris' voice sounded over the loudspeakers. “Good morning final four! Gather on the dock pronto. It's crunch time! By that, of course, I mean you're about to get crunched.” He signed off with a laugh.

As everyone made their way to the dock, Jo caught up with Alejandro. “Hey, Spicy McLatin, I need to talk to you.”

“I do hope you are not coming on to me,” Alejandro responded.

“No, I'm suggesting we team up on voting tonight.”

“Why?” Alejandro asked.

“Brick and Geoff are working together, and if those two keep their alliance up, there's no way either of us is making it much farther. We need to break up that dream team, and I suggest we do it by getting rid of Brick.”

Alejandro pondered this. “I see. And why not Geoff?”

“Because Brick is the real threat here. If he goes home, there's no one for Geoff to rely on and he won't be able to coast any farther.”

“Good point,” Alejandro said. “Okay, deal. We will both vote for Brick tonight and in the event that they both vote for one of us, I am sure either of us could beat him in a tie-breaker.”

“Exactly! You're smarter than I gave you credit for, Al.”

“Don't call me that.”

Meanwhile, Geoff quickly caught up with Brick. “Hey man, how'd you sleep?”

Brick shrugged. “Not so good.”

“Aw man, what's buggin' you?”

“Well, I've kind of been having trouble sleeping since the whole Mal thing got out, but last night I couldn't sleep because the fact that I would have gone home if Mal hadn't kept bothering me.”

“Hey dude, that's all in the past. By the way, whatever happened to that sundae...?”

Brick pulled Geoff close and whispered in his ear. “Don't tell Chris, but I flushed it.”

“Ah, that makes sense. Anyway, let's work together today and make it to the end, what do ya say?”

“Sounds good, soldier!” Brick said. They high fived just as they reached the dock behind Alejandro and Jo.

Up to the dock came a boat with Chris standing on the forefront dressed like a pirate. “Arrr, mateys,” Chris greeted as the boat docked. “Come to me faithful bird!” Chris jumped out of the boat and from the driver's seat came an unamused Chef, dressed as a giant multicolored parrot. “Oh come on, stop frowning. You look great and you know it. Hey if you don't wanna be here, then—” suddenly, the boat pulled away. “Hey! That isn't what I was gonna say!” Chris shook his head and approached the final four with a sigh. “Sorry guys. It's just that life is so hard in the spa hotel. I'm sick of roughing it!” Everyone present rolled their eyes at Chris, who continued anyway. “Since I'm craving the comforts of home, I've come up with a special challenge. Your mission? To retrieve one of four valuable pieces of pirate loot, stashed somewhere on the island.”

Jo rolled her eyes. “As if there's anything valuable around here.”

Chris scoffed. “There's plenty if you know what yer lookin' for!” He said, resuming a pirate accent.

* * *

 

“Chris' idea of valuable is pretty skewed,” Alejandro said. “He is such an egomaniac, his most prized possession is himself. Although I should not be one to talk, as the same is also true for me.” To prove his point, he pulled out a small mirror and started admiring himself in it.

* * *

 

Chris walked across the dock to a small table, where four wooden chests sat unopened. “To determine who searches for what, each player will choose one of these four treasure chests. Geoff, as the kind of winner of the last challenge, I would say you get to go first, but you ticked me off this morning, so you get to pick last. Instead, Jo gets to pick first.” Jo approached the second chest from her left and grabbed the lid to open it. The chest shocked her before opening and when it did open, a piece of paper with a red foot pictured on it sprung up. “Excellent,” Chris said. “Jo, you must bring me the yeti.”

“How am I supposed to do that?” Jo protested.

“Figure it out,” Chris said. “Brick, you're next.” Brick picked the chest to the left of Jo's and opened it. A cloud of pepper assaulted his face and the piece of paper that popped up held the logo for season three's Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot. Brick sneezed violently and Chris chuckled. “Brick, you must go the crumbling, life-threatening, dangerous wreck of my former cottage and bring back an intact portrait of me.”

* * *

 

Brick sneezed even in the confessional. “D-did he say life-threatening?”

* * *

 

Alejandro cautiously opened a chest and flinched, anticipating something painful to happen. When nothing happened, he leaned over the chest to peer inside and was met with a boxing glove on a spring to the face. The glove had a picture of a gem on it. “Perfect!” Chris said. “You must bring me the McLean diamond which can be found on or near the abandoned pirate ship which just happens to be guarded by an old friend of yours.”

“I have to fight whatever this is and get punched in my beautiful face and all Brick has to do is find some art? How is that fair?”

“Hey, there's no fair in pirate,” Chris said.

Geoff approached the last chest. “So that leaves the last for me, huh? What is it?”

“Nice try, smart guy, but the choice isn't official until you see for yourself.”

“But it's the last chest, obviously it goes to m—”

“Just open it!”

“Alright alright, geeze.” Geoff threw the lid open and reached inside. He yelped in pain and brought out his hand, which a snapping turtle had latched on to. He swung his arm around and finally managed to pry it off after a moment of Chris' laughter. He finally reached inside and pulled out a piece of paper with a golden Chris printed on it.

“Geoff, you must bring me the long lost, original, Golden Chris Statuette. You know, the symbol of immunity you never got in season two?”

“Ha ha,” Geoff said sarcastically. “Any idea where I can find it?”

“If I knew, it wouldn't be long lost, now would it?” Chris said.

* * *

 

“What's the point of sending me after something that might not even be here? You might as well ask me to go to mars!”

* * *

 

“Helpful hint,” Chris said. “Think fast and work even faster, because this is a bit of a special challenge.”

“How so?” Jo asked.

“The player who comes back last or worse: empty-handed will be sent straight to the Flush of Shame. Do not pass Go, do not collect one million dollars.” Everyone gasped on cue. “That's what I like to hear.”

* * *

 

“So much for voting off Brick tonight,” Jo sighed. “Well, at least this means there's a chance Alejandro will leave. I'm okay with either one, really.”

* * *

 

“One more thing before I send you off: this is a strictly no alliances challenge. You must help yourself and only yourself. Okay?” Chris resumed his pirate accent. “All clear! On yer mark...!” Then he sighed when no one was as enthusiastic as he was trying to be. “Okay, just go.” He blew an airhorn and the final four raced off.

* * *

 

“Oh, so I have to go through the ruins of a destroyed mansion on my own,” Brick whined. “Great...So if you never see me again, papa, I love you.”

* * *

 

Alejandro boarded a huge, half built, prop pirate ship. “Is this the ship they used in the season two finale?” He wondered aloud. He got up on the main deck and looked around cautiously.

“And Alejandro's first to reach his pirate loot zone!” Chris' voice said from speakers mounted just under the bird's nest. “This means the heat is on! I hope my loud voice isn't getting your opponent's attention or anything...”

From a door with a crescent moon carved in it, the Total Drama Machine emerged and beeped angrily at Alejandro. Alejandro glared. “You. I see you also feel that we have some unfinished business.” Alejandro assumed a fighting stance. “Give up and tell me where the diamond is now and it will save you a world of hurt.” The machine rolled fully out of the room it came from and revealed one hand was still a claw hand and the other had replaced the hammer with a miniature canon upgrade. Alejandro didn't back down, although he did break a sweat. The claw hand of the machine opened up a chest panel to reveal that the diamond was stuck fast among the wiring and gears. “Oh great...” Alejandro mumbled. Then Chris decided to chip in.

“It is a robot, Al. It doesn't feel pain. But you do.”

The claw hand picked up a giant wooden hammer that was lying around and started to give chase to Alejandro. “Oh no...” Alejandro ran from the crazy robot, leading it on a chase around the deck.

Meanwhile, Jo walked through the forest, searching for her target. She came across a set of very large footprints. “Yeti prints!” She celebrated. “They look fresh. That beast can't be too far.”

Suddenly, Chris decided to interrupt with his obnoxiously broadcast voice from a loudspeaker not too far from her. “Jo is zero-ing in on the yeti, but bringing him back might be a bit harder, especially if he—” Jo tossed a rock at the loudspeaker, dislodging it and sending it to the ground, no longer playing Chris' voice.

“That'll shut him up.” Jo climbed a nearby tree to get a good vantage point.

Brick ran towards Chris' cottage enthusiastically. “One intact painting. How hard can it be, really?” He stopped in his tracks when he came close enough to the wreckage. “Oh, why did I open my big mouth?”

* * *

 

“Thanks again, _Mal._ ”

* * *

 

To no one's surprise, Chris' voice even reached his cottage. “And Brick reaches...my beloved cottage,” he said, choking up in the middle there. “Treat her gently, Brick. Gently.”

Brick rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah...” He reached a smoldering piled of rubble with the top of a frame sticking out. Just beneath the frame was what looked like a perfectly intact picture of Chris in his pirate outfit. “Hey, what's that?” Brick grabbed the top of the painting and pulled hard, unable to make it budge. “Oh, come on...” He griped as he pulled harder. Suddenly, a part of the barely recognizable upper floor got dislodged and hurtled toward Brick's head. From his control room, Chris paused the footage just before it could make contact and knock Brick out.

“Whoa! Where did that stuff come from? What will happen to Brick? Where is Geoff even gonna start to look for my idol? Will anyone survive? You stick around and find out here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

The second the rubble above Brick's head started to fall, the painting he was trying to retrieve ripped, sending him tumbling backwards and narrowly saving him from being buried in debris. He fell on his butt and hit himself in the face with the corner of the painting in an attempt to scratch his head. “Ow! Stupid painting...” He got up and continued searching, completely disregarding the pieces of the ceiling that nearly caved his skull in. In his search, he bumped into a supporting pillar, causing an even bigger pile of rubble to topple down and bury him.

Meanwhile, Geoff wandered aimlessly around the island. “That statuette can't be lost. Chris has gotta be pullin' my leg. There's no way he would lose something modeled after himself.” He approached the ruins of the mine and thought about the possibility that the statuette was in there. “There were two of those things down there last season, so maybe the real one got left there. But on the other hand, there is a mutated freako down there so...maybe I shouldn't.” Geoff backed away from the mine slowly and continued searching elsewhere.

Jo crawled carefully along a tree branch and found Sasquatchanakwa wearing a chef's cap and an apron searching in a tree hollow for something. “There he is,” Jo whispered to herself. “And he's...bigger than I remember.” She nervously shrank back as the yeti pulled out a nest of brightly colored bird's eggs and smiled at them hungrily. “I should have made a plan, but sometimes you gotta just go for it!” Jo leapt from her perch and landed right in front of the yeti. She snatched the nest and ran ahead. “You have to work for your dinner, maggot!” And with that, she sprinted off with the infuriated sasquatch in tow.

“And Jo is the first to find her loot,” Chris announced. “Will she be the first one back to the dock?”

Alejandro mouthed Chris' rhetoric theatrics mockingly and rolled his eyes. He was sitting in the bird's nest while the Drama Machine patrolled the main deck below him. “I need to find a way to subdue the machine before it can get to me.” He tripped and nearly toppled over out of the bird's nest. When he saved himself, he noticed a pile of rope at his feet. “That should do nicely.” Alejandro picked up the rope and quickly got to work.

* * *

 

“Along with etiquette, table manners, and proper hair care, my parents also went to great lengths to teach me rope work. Why, I am not quite sure, but I will make sure they did not teach me these skills in vain.”

* * *

 

Within minutes, Alejandro had set up a rig with the rope he found. He dropped down on top of the drama machine and secured two nooses around its hands. He flipped off of the machine and grabbed another strand of rope hanging from the bird's nest. He tugged on it and the makeshift pulley system hoisted the robot up helplessly. It beeped and whirred angrily at Alejandro who crossed his arms smugly. He opened the hatch on the robot's torso and reached for the diamond, but before he could grab it, the ropes holding it up snapped and the hammer it was holding came down hard on Alejandro and knocked him through the floor. He crashed on the level under the deck and groaned in pain.

He got up and dusted himself off. “Bested by a stupid machine. This isn't how I was meant to spend my time on this stupid show.” He shook his head and made his way to the deck to try his luck again.

Geoff approached the old cafeteria. “Hey, maybe he left it in here at some point.” Geoff entered the cafeteria warily. “Hello?” No killer robots here, right? Or you know, killer chefs?” He scoured the cafeteria for anything and when he didn't find what he was looking for, he ventured into Chef's old kitchen. He looked in every nook and cranny, but there was no mini golden Chris to be found. He opened the refrigerator to see a hairless, mutant squirrel that was somehow over-looked by the detox team. “Oh, hey there little guy,” Geoff said. “Are you cold in there?” In response, the squirrel stared at him with its head tilted. It blinked sideways and Geoff jumped back with a screech. “Holy moly!” He slammed the fridge door and ran away as fast as he could.

Back at the cottage, Brick finally managed to break free of the pile of stuff he was under. He was covered in a gray layer of dust. “Oh geeze, where am I...? Oh right, paintings.” He looked down and gasped. “Do my eyes deceive me? He reached into the pile of debris and pulled out a mostly intact painting of Chris in a fancy robe. The dust caked this painting too and the frame was bent and broken in places, but it was an intact Chris painting. “Yeah! No rips! It just has a little dust. I can fix that right quick.” He put his hand on the painted Chris' face and tried to wipe it off, but something went wrong and he ended up smudging Chris' face so bad it became a skin colored blob with a mouth and eyes. “What? No! Don't do that, please!” He frantically swiped at the paint, but he couldn't fix the painting no matter how hard he tried. “Oh no...” He looked around in a panic. “Maybe...maybe I can fix it. Mud and squeezed berries look like paint, I think. I could try that.” He ran off to find the materials he needed.

Jo ran ahead of the yeti with his dinner-to-be held high over her head. “You'll have to try harder than that,” she jeered.

“Jo is leading her loot to the docks,” Chris commentated. “So if you haven't found yours yet, you might wanna think about doing so right now.”

Jo cheered as she ran. Unfortunately, as she did so, she tripped over a rock and went tumbling, sending the eggs everywhere. They splattered on the ground and after taking it in for a moment, Sasquatchanakwa roared in outrage. He clocked Jo, sending her to the ground and stomped his foot in anger like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. Jo jumped to her feet and put her fists up, ready to fight. “You wanna go, yeti? I'll go. I'll throw down!” As she and the yeti fought, Chris chuckled from the spa's control room.

“Okay then. I guess we better head back to the dock to see who wins this.”

Brick desperately slathered berry juice on the painting. “Okay, now I just need brown...” He picked up the painting and searched for leaves he could crush or something that he could use for the brown of Chris' fancy robe. He walked by a bush and a bear emerged. Brick screamed, but the bear ignored him and continued on his way. Brick looked behind the bush the bear came from and flinched. “Ew. But...it _is_ the right color...”

Jo punched the sasquatch in the gut, making it double over in pain. Then she kicked it in the face while it was down and knocked it out cold. She lifted it up and started carrying the injured animal over her shoulder to the dock. “Take that you stupid beast.”

Meanwhile, a somehow shirtless Alejandro was narrowly avoiding cannonballs from the Drama Machine's fancy cannon arm. “I am not done with you yet, you silver menace!” He jumped on the robot's head again and it reared its arm to hit him with the giant mallet. He jumped out of the way just in time for the machine to smack itself atop the head. He grabbed the claw hand and ripped the mallet from its grasp before hitting directly in the face. The Drama Machine fell over, short circuiting and beeping weakly. Alejandro pried open the chest compartment and untangled the diamond from the wires it was stuck in. “There. That will teach you.” He put the diamond to the side and lifted the Drama Machine high above his head. He posed triumphantly and after a moment, walked over to the edge of the ship. “I would say I will miss you, but sadly for you, I will not.” He dumped the Drama Machine overboard into the waters below. “Good bye, Total Drama Machine. See you never,” Alejandro said as the robot sunk to the bottom of Lake Wawanakwa.

Geoff kicked open the door to the communal washroom and gagged. “Ew, gross! How does it get even more rank every time I go in there? And how the heck haven't I found this stupid statue yet?”

Back at the area they started the challenge, Chris looked to a hill not too far off and spotted Jo riding the unconscious sasquatch like a snowboard down the hill. They slid to a stop in front of him and Jo jumped off the poor beast and presented him to the host. “Ta-da!”

“I could say I don't care for how you did it, but that would be lying,” Chris congratulated. “That was awesome!”

Jo nodded approvingly. “Thank you, thank you. That was pretty cool, now wasn't it?”

“Jo wins the challenge!” Chris declared as Alejandro ran up and handed the diamond to him. Chris took it and examined it. “And here's Alejandro with one fake diamond.”

“Fake? What?”

“This is the one that was lodged in the robot, right? Well, funny story about that. The real diamond is still somewhere on that boat. If you played your cards right, you wouldn't have even had to fight it.”

Alejandro growled at Chris. “You mean you planted a red herring?”

“A blue herring, but yes. Alejandro is empty handed. And so is Geoff, I presume?” Chris asked as Geoff approached the group dejected.

“Dude, I don't think that stupid thing's even on the island anymore. You must have taken it with us to season two. There's no way you can fault me for not being able to leave the island!”

Chris shrugged. “There is a way, and I'm gonna take it. Geoff, Alejandro, you better hope Brick's also empty-handed, or else we may just have a double elimination on our hands.

Just then, Brick ran up with the charred, hastily re-done painting. “I'm here, I'm here,” he panted as he slid to a stop in front of them.

“And Brick is last to arrive, but he comes bearing loot. Unlike Geoff and Alejandro.”

Geoff rolled his eyes and Alejandro muttered several spanish curses under his breath.

Brick held up the painting. It was so terribly re-painted, it looked like a potato wearing a brown sleeve-blanket. “Funny,” Chris said, examining the portrait. “I don't remember this one.”

“Uh, yeah,” Brick stammered. “I had to do a little, uh, restoration work on it.”

Chris sniffed the painting and recoiled. “Ew! What's that earthy aroma?”

“Oh, that is, uh, advant garde? It's stylized. It's, uh, it's...” Brick finally sighed. “It's bear poop.”

Chris promptly puked all over the painting. “That is it! For showing up last and defacing my portrait, Brick gets the flush.”

Geoff gasped and Alejandro smirked. Jo laughed at his misery as sasquatch slowly regained consciousness. “That's not fair,” Geoff protested. “I came back empty-handed.”

“True, but you didn't make me hurl,” Chris explained.

Brick sighed. “Fine. I'll go.”

That night, the final three, Chris, Chef, and Sasquatchanakwa watched Brick float in the giant toilet. “Good luck Geoff,” Brick called. “I hope you win, soldier.”

Geoff nodded and saluted. “Thanks man. Means a lot to me.”

Brick saluted back. “As for you, Jo. Good luck to you too. You're my second choice.”

Jo scoffed. “At ease, Brick Breath. I don't care which choice I am, I'm gonna win.”

“What about me?” Alejandro asked.

Brick shrugged. “Eh.” The rest of what they heard from him as a scream as he disappeared down the tubes.

“And we have our final three. Alejandro, Jo, and Geoff. Who will make it to the finale, and who will take the scenic route to the Flush of Shame? Find out next week when the terrible threes become the triumphant twos on Total. Drama. A—” Suddenly, the sasquatch growled. Chris looked at it with a raised eyebrow. The sasquatch was doing a weird little dance with its legs crossed and its huge paws covering its crotch. “What? You need to go _now_? I'm doing an outro!” Finally, he groaned. “Fine, but make it quick.” The sasquatch sat on the toilet and Chris nodded at Jo. Jo jumped up and punched the sasquatch in the face, knocking it into the toilet. Chris clicked the flush button and the sasquatch disappeared down the toilet. “Thank you Jo. Now where was I? Oh right. Tune in next week on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the canon version of this episode, the final four went straight to the final two while there was only one elimination in my version. Why is that? Because next week is going to be a special original challenge written by me with the help of my girlfriend, so stick around for next week's original challenge when the herd gets thinned one final time. See you then!


	13. Knights in Shining Harnesses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final three take on one last challenge before saying farewell to one last camper. This time around, they must become heroes for the most unexpected people before answering (sometimes embarrassing) questions about past contestants. Who will earn a free ride to the finale, who will they choose to be their opponent, and who will say a wet goodbye?

“Last time on Total Drama All Stars: the final four set out on the most dangerous scavenger hunt ever. Jo threw down with the yeti, Alejandro fought with a robot, Brick battled ruins, and Geoff did absolutely nothing. In an unsurprising twist, Jo returned first with the half conscious body of the ill-fated sasquatch. In a slightly more surprising twist, I decided to send the loser of the challenge home immediately. In the end, Geoff's butt was saved by Brick, who decided to desecrate me like never before. Totally not cool, dude. Three contestants remain, but only two of them will move on to the finale. Who has what it takes to survive the toughest, brain-scratching-est challenge yet and who won't scratch hard enough? Find out right now on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Jo sat down at the dining table in the spa hotel with her usual breakfast of a stack of steaks. She started digging in when Chris walked in grumbling. “I'm still feeling sick to my stomach from that poo painting.”

“Don't even mention it,” Jo scoffed. “I'm eating.”

“Okay fine. Eat your cardboard, I'll just think about the filet mignon I used to eat at my cottage.”

“While you think about that, riddle me this,” Jo said pointing a fork at Chris. “There's only me, Alejandro, and Geoff left. Who do you want to win, mister know-it-all host boy?”

“I don't care if _none_ of you win to be completely honest,” Chris said bluntly. “I'm just here to hurt you and laugh at you while I do. Now eat up, the challenge is starting soon.” With that, Chris walked out of the hotel.

* * *

 

“The one downside to being so close to a million dollars and finally being rid of Sargent Stupid is that I still have to deal with Chris. That guy is getting on my last nerve.”

* * *

 

Alejandro approached Geoff as the blonde was slowly dragging himself out of bed, looking downtrodden. “What ever is the matter, friend?” He asked. “Are you perhaps, down about the fact that your incompetent pal finally got kicked out after, frankly, staying far too long?”

Geoff rolled his eyes. “Leave me alone, Alejandro. I'm just missing my Bridgette, that's all.”

“Ah yes, your girlfriend. Quite the kisser, I hear. I have never heard a flag pole be so joyous.”

Geoff glared at Alejandro. “Get lost.”

Alejandro laughed as he finished lacing up his boots and left the cabin.

* * *

 

“It is far too easy to get under Geoff's skin. All I have to do is bring up his girlfriend and her infatuation over me in season 3. Sooner or later that will throw him off his game and then the only thing standing between me and victory would be Jo, and she will be a pushover too.”

* * *

 

“Alejandro really grinds my gears,” Geoff complained. “All he ever talks about is himself and the girls he can nab. I really hope he flubs this challenge so we can send him home.”

* * *

 

“Attention final three!” Chris' voice sounded once again. “Make your way to the docks right away. It's time to thin the herd one last time.”

As they made their way to the docks, Jo pushed by Geoff and knocked him to the ground. “Oops, sorry Ten Gallon. Not.”

* * *

 

Geoff scoffed. “Y'know, I'm not really a fan of Jo either! I miss my Bridgey-bear.”

* * *

 

Chris greeted the trio on the docks when they finally arrived. “Hello future winners and or losers. It's time to weed out one last loser before the finale and I have just the way to do it. Introducing the first part of today's challenge: the race to save lives.”

“The...what?” Geoff asked nervously.

“That's right, we've hand-picked three people, each of which means something to one of you in some form or another. Those three people are going to be tortured in unimaginable ways while you race to free them. Now, I will tell you where each one is, but the challenge is that you must figure it out for yourselves which person is where. One of these damsels or dudes in distress is hanging by their toes over the piranha-packed water at the bottom of the one-hundred foot cliff, one of them is being prepared as a bear's dinner in a cave, and one of them is awaiting a terrible mystery fate on the talent show stage. The first one to free their corresponding torture-ee and make it all the way to the Bay of Dismay on the other side of the island gets a special advantage in the next challenge. Don't know where the bay is? Don't dismay, because I gave all of your assigned people a map to where you need to go.”

Alejandro sighed in relief. No one else moved, awaiting further instructions. “What are you still doing here?” Chris asked. “Your rescue-ees are in danger, so get your butts in gear. Move it!” Chris blew an airhorn and the trio ran off in search of their assigned prisoner.

“Okay, one-hundred foot cliff, bear cave, talent show stage,” Alejandro recapped to himself. “Where in the world are those places?”

Geoff ran past him confidently. “I know this island like the back of my hand. I'll be done with this challenge in no time. The closest one to here is the talent show stage, so I'll go there first. I'll save you, Bridgey-bear!”

Alejandro smirked. “Maybe you should not be so loud,” he said to himself. “Someone may overhear you and follow you to their destination.” Alejandro dove into a nearby bush and started stealthily following Geoff.

Jo, meanwhile, decided to head for the cliff first, since she knew where it was and could easily see her other destinations from there if her person wasn't there. She reached the top of the cliff and found a rope tied to the very edge. “Bad memories of hanging off here,” Jo said to herself, thinking of the sundae challenge. She looked over the cliff to see a huge, blonde boy hanging precariously over the water. “Who the heck are you?” She asked.

“Uh, hi. I'm Owen,” the boy answered.

“Who's supposed be saving you?”

“Chris said I'm not supposed to tell you or else you get a penalty,” Owen answered. “But uh, if you can figure it out, can you tell him to hurry?”

“Sure,” Jo said as she ran off in search of the bear cave. “I'm totally not gonna help whoever it is.”

Geoff slid to a stop in front of the talent show stage and saw someone tied to a chair, screaming their lungs out as an electric razor dangled threateningly above their head. “Welp, I don't think I'm supposed to help you, so uh, bye!” Geoff ran off and Alejandro emerged from the bushes.

He gasped at who he saw tied to the chair. “Heather!”

* * *

 

“Chris has messed with Heather for the last time.”

* * *

 

Geoff reached a cave and looked around. “No bears in sight... Let's check it out.” He went inside and found Blaineley tied to a rock. “Oh, it's you.”

“Yes, hello,” Blaineley greeted. “Now let's skip the pleasantries and untie me before those bears season me.”

“Wait, you're the one I'm supposed to save? Then where's Bridgette?”

“She's not here, moron. Do you really think it would be that straight-forward?”

While Blaineley explained the plot twist, Alejandro ran up to Heather, who struggled to get away. “Alejandro, don't!”

“What do you mean? I need to save you.” Alejandro jumped up, snatched the razor from the rope it was hanging on, and used it to cut the ropes binding Heather to the chair. She sprung up and grabbed his shoulders. She prepared to reprimand him, but Alejandro put his hands on her waist and french-dipped her before kissing her. “I missed you so much, _mi amor_.”

“Uh, I missed you too,” Heather stuttered. “But you're not supposed to be here.”

“That's right. We must depart for the Bay of Dismay immediately. Do you have your map?”

“Yeah, but—”

“No time for small talk. We need to get moving right away. Hand me the map.”

“Alejandro, listen to m—”

“Hurry! Before Jo or Geoff wins.”

Heather scoffed and dug in her shirt for the map. She produced a slip of paper and handed it to Alejandro, who unfolded it, memorized the map instantly, picked Heather up bridal style and dashed off. “Wait, stop!” Heather desperately told him, but he wouldn't listen.

Jo wandered through the forest, looking around for anything familiar. “Let's see...the 'talent show stage' is where we did that girly fashion show I think, so that should be this way.” She jumped through some foliage and came across the stage to find a chair and bits of rope strung about. “Hm, guess someone beat me here. That leaves the cave.” She dashed off before promptly stopping and looking around. “Which is...where, exactly?”

Geoff ran through the forest with Blaineley's map to the Bay of Dismay while said co-host stumbled through the path behind him. “Geoff, wait up!” She called. “I'm a damsel in distress, aren't you supposed to carry me?” Geoff reluctantly stopped to listen to her, but she didn't notice in time and slammed into him, sending them both to the ground.

After they got up, Geoff sighed as he dusted himself off. “Why should I carry you?”

“Because I'm wearing heels,” Blaineley explained. “I can't run through a jungle in heels and a dress, bozo.”

Geoff rolled his eyes. “Well, if I'm gonna carry you, I'm gonna need something from you first.”

“You're trying to bargain with me?” Blaineley asked, astounded. “But what if you lose?”

Geoff shrugged. “I don't care. All I want from you is an apology. That shouldn't be too hard now, should it?”

“An apology for what?”

“Four words: Total. Drama. World Tour.”

Blaineley rolled her eyes. “Are you still hung up about that?”

“Uh, yeah. A little.”

“Fine,” Blaineley submitted. “I'm sorry for shipping off Bridgette to who-knows-where—”

“Russia,” Geoff supplied.

Blaineley scoffed. “Russia. Whatever. There, happy?”

Geoff shrugged again. “Okay, that'll do for now.” He lifted Blaineley and slung her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

“Hey, this isn't how I meant!” Blaineley complained as she punched Geoff's back. “I was thinking the more valiant and way more dignified bridal carry.”

“Dignified for you maybe,” Geoff answered. “It's this or nothin' sister.”

Meanwhile, Jo entered the cave to see rope on the ground surrounding a rock and some confused bears who were staring at the rock until she arrived, when they shifted their attention to her instead. “What? Someone's been saved here? One of those numbskulls saved the wrong person!” Completely ignoring the bears, Jo dashed out of the cave. “Oh screw it, I know where the Bay of Dismay is, maybe I can intercept whoever it is and get my prisoner back.” The bears she left behind just looked at each other bewildered and shrugged.

Alejandro ran along, recounting nearly every moment he spent without Heather in the competition and how thoroughly he destroyed everyone who stood in his way. “And I reclaimed your honor when I revealed that Mal was the snake who framed you.”

“I knew it was that noodle-brain,” Heather said with an eye roll.

“So how was your time in the institution?” Alejandro asked. “I do hope they did not hurt you too much.”

“Me? Hurt? Oh please. I ruled that place with an iron fist.”

Alejandro laughed. “That is what I like to hear!”

Heather suddenly shook her head. “You're distracting me. I need to tell you to stop.”

“But we're so close to the finish,” Alejandro protested.

“Exactly. You need to turn back.”

Alejandro shook his head. “I am afraid I cannot do that.” They reached a path to see Geoff run just ahead of them with Blaineley over his shoulder.

Blaineley gasped. “Pick up the pace, Alejandro's gaining fast.”

Geoff looked behind him to see Alejandro rapidly approaching. “Oh geeze...” He sped up as best he could, but Alejandro ended up passing him with a smug grin and a raspberry from Heather. “Wait, he has Heather with him?”

Blaineley shrugged. “I'm as confused as you are.”

Just then, Jo burst from the bushes a few yards back, carrying no one. She sprinted past Geoff, but couldn't manage to get to Alejandro before he crossed the finish line at his destination. Geoff crossed a few seconds after Jo. They found Chris and Chef awaiting them on the shore. “And Jo wins the challenge!” Chris declared.

Alejandro gasped. “Excuse me?”

“I said the first one to cross the finish line with their own rescu-ee wins,” Chris explained. “You saved Jo's special someone.”

“Wait, Jo was supposed to save you? Why didn't you tell me before?” Alejandro demanded.

“What do you think I've been trying to do all this time?”

Chris laughed. “You see, I said everyone meant something to you. I never said they meant something _good_. I thought it would be more interesting if we forced you to save people you hate from mortal terror. Geoff figured that out, it seems, but you saved Heather before you could see who your person even was.”

“Who was I supposed to save, then?”

Meanwhile, the frail rope suspending Owen beneath he cliff snapped, sending him plummeting to the waters below. When he surfaced, the piranhas had already started working on him as he flailed and tried desperately to swim for the shore. “Al! Help! I'm dying!” Owen screamed frantically.

Jo celebrated her accidental victory. “Thanks, Ale-dork-o. Now what's my prize?”

Chris smiled. “I'm glad you asked.” He fished in his pocket and finally produced a small smart phone. “Your advantage in the next challenge is this.” He tossed it to Jo, who caught it and examined it closely.

“A...phone?”

“More than just a phone. For the fifteen minutes between now and the next part of the challenge, you get to familiarize yourself with each and every one of Sierra's Total Drama blogs. Use that time wisely.”

“What would I want with Fangirl's stupid blogs anyway?”

Chris shrugged. “Who knows. I know. And you will too when we come back on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Jo rolled her eyes. “What a dumb prize. 'Hey, you win the challenge, so read some stupid blogs.' What a load of crap.”

“I still do not understand,” Alejandro said. “Why did you pick Heather for Jo's enemy to save?”

“We could have easily picked Lightning. That would have been priceless!” Chris said. “But we ultimately decided that it would be more difficult and much more interesting if we threw Heather in.”

Alejandro glared at Chris. “Why you crafty little—”

“Family show!” Chris interrupted. “Five minute warning, everyone. Say goodbye to your mortal enemies and get your butts in gear.”

Geoff laughed. “I've been waiting to say goodbye to Blaineley for a long, long time.”

“Yeah, I hate you too,” Blaineley replied. “Get bent.”

Heather and Alejandro started to say something, but Chris interrupted them. “To your _enemies_. Since you came here empty handed, you don't get to say bye to anyone, Al.”

Heather rolled her eyes and reluctantly approached Jo. “Later, loser. I hope you get your butt whupped.” In reply, Jo wordlessly hurled the smart phone at Heather. It hit her in the face and fell to the ground where it shattered.

Chris laughed. “Way to waste your advantage. Now get strapped in.”

Moments later, the final three were all standing on their own platforms, strapped in to chairs with buzzers in front of them. Chris stood on a fourth platform in his blue tuxedo and a big scoreboard divided into three sections stood above him. Each section had an LED picture of their corresponding contestant. “Look familiar, Jo?” He asked. “This is a modified set up from Truth or Laser Shark. What would an All Stars season be without a test of your memories from past seasons?”

“What?” Alejandro and Jo said at the same time.

“That's right. The second half of today's challenge will be the very first Total Drama trivia challenge. Since Jo won the last round and squandered her advantage, she gets one free point.” The scoreboard struck one up for Jo. “Now, I'm going to ask you a series of trivia questions about past seasons. If you know the answer, hit that buzzer. After a quick shock, you'll have five seconds to answer. Get it right, and you get a point. Get it wrong, and...” Chris produced a small remote and hit the button on it. The three platforms sunk beneath the water, where piranhas started swarming for the campers. The platform shot back up before much damage could be done, and they caught their breath while Geoff discovered a piranha latched on to his ear. “Get it wrong, and we let the piranhas snack on your for a while. First to ten points nets a guaranteed spot in the finale, along with being able to decide who to give the big heave-ho!” Chris tapped a stack of index cards on a podium in front of him before laying them down. “Now, any questions?”

“Uh...” Alejandro started.

“Too bad. Let's begin!”

* * *

 

Geoff celebrated. “As the co-host of Total Drama Aftermath for two seasons straight, I know everything there is to know about everything pre-season 4. I've got this challenge in the bag, yo!”

* * *

 

“First question: which original contestant has a sibling name Damien?” Alejandro and Geoff instantly reached for the button, but Alejandro hit it first and received a shock. “Alejandro?”

Alejandro took a second to recover, but when he did, he belted out the answer. “Heather. Her younger brother is named Damien and he once tried to tell the show that she used to be fat, brace-faced and worst of all, fashionably challenged. They are all lies, of course.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Very nice, Alejandro. One point.”

Blaineley had still not left and sat in a beach chair next to Chef back on the beach. “Is this kind of challenge really the best Chris could think of?”

Chef shrugged. “He's runnin' out of interns to test the dangerous challenges.”

Blaineley laughed. “As if that's ever stopped him before.”

“That's what I told him.”

Ignoring the gossip, Chris continued. “Okay, question two: you're all familiar with our old friend Mike at this point. Who was the first alternate personality to show their face in season four?”

Jo hit the buzzer faster than Geoff could react. After getting shocked, she shouted, “Chester! The grumpy old man.”

“Correct,” Chris congratulated. “Two for Jo, one for Al, and zip for Geoff.”

* * *

 

“Okay, maybe hitting the buzzer before the other two will be harder than I thought,” Geoff admitted.

* * *

 

“Next up: Jo was the first contestant I introduced last season, but who was the very first camper I ever introduced on the entire show?”

Alejandro and Jo thought about it, but Geoff immediately hit the buzzer. The shock was pretty strong, and he had to take more than five seconds to recover. Since he couldn't say the answer before then, Chris shook his head. “Too slow, bro. The answer was Beth.” He clicked the button and Geoff disappeared under the water for a few seconds. He came back up with a piranha hanging from his nose.

“This is harder than I thought...”

“Sorry, Geoff,” Chris said. “'Cept, you know, I'm not. Next question: which former competitor is allergic to pineapple?”

Geoff hit the buzzer, got shocked, and struggled to recover. Finally, he said, “Leshawna! We learned this when Heather made her chop the pineapple in the cooking challenge and she broke out into hives.”

“You don't have to elaborate, you know,” Chris said. “Anyway, you're right. One for Geoff, which ties him up with Alejandro, leaving them both behind Jo. Next: Who has the most hairstyles in Total Drama history?”

Alejandro slammed the buzzer, ignoring the shock. “Heather. She's had ten, and each of them was absolutely stunning. Except, uh, the red wig. That was a little weird.”

“Good. One point! Now, who has the most episodes named after him?”

Geoff hit the buzzer and answered after shuddering from the shock. “Owen. The episodes Crouching Courtney, Hidden Owen and 2008: A Space Owen.”

“With that, we have a three way tie. Next question. Tell me which of your fellow all stars sews their own clothes.”

Geoff thought about it. “It sounds like it's someone from this season...”

Jo slammed the buzzer and ignored the shock completely. “Is it Dawn?”

“Nope.” Chris hit a button and Jo disappeared under the water. “That would be amazon princess Zoey.”

Jo came up looking angry. “He said fellow all stars,” Alejandro informed her. “Meaning somebody who competed this season, obviously.”

“Shut up, Dead Donkey.”

“Who told you what my last name means?”

Jo shrugged. “Basic spanish lessons, duh.”

“Next: you remember Trent, a former competitor and member of the Drama Brothers, but do you remember what his big goal in life is or was?”

Geoff hit the buzzer. “He wanted to open a shop where he'd build and fix motorcycles, I think.”

“Correct! And with that, Geoff takes the lead. Now, which Total Drama Island competitor went home saying 'I loved, I lost, and I saw boobies'?”

Geoff attempted to tap the buzzer without getting shocked, but not only did he receive a shock anyway, he also didn't set off the buzzer. Alejandro laughed as he hit it correctly. “That would be Harold. He said that after he got to see Heather...er, topless.”

Jo laughed. “Hey Alejandro, have you ever seen Heather's boobies?”

“A gentleman never kisses and te—er, never tells,” Alejandro responded.

“Too much information,” Chris said. “Okay, we're at three for Geoff and Alejandro, and two for Jo. Now tell me who the tallest contestant to ever com—”

Jo hit the buzzer and yelled, “Dakota! She mutated into a giant freak.”

Chris shook his head. “If you would let me finish, you'd know I was asking who the tallest contestant ever was _before_ Dakota mutated. No point for you.” Jo got dunked and Geoff laughed.

“That was DJ, right?”

“Very good Geoff, but Jo got it wrong before you got it right, so no points.”

As the challenge continued and Geoff got used to the electric shock, he swept the others under the rug by correctly answering every question that wasn't directly related to Heather. Those were the ones Alejandro got while Jo remained stuck at two points. From the weirdest questions about how many socks Tyler owned (which was 365,) to the most random questions only close friends of competitors would know, Geoff got pretty much all of them, and before long, he and Alejandro were tied at nine points each while Jo had a measly four.

“So, possible tie-breaker question or will Jo make the come back of the century? Time for your next question: who does Geoff think is the hottest girl in the cast?”

Geoff went to hit the buzzer, but hesitated. He broke a sweat as he looked at Alejandro nervously. Alejandro was about to confidently hit the button, but Geoff's nervous glances and hesitation stopped him. “What are you up to...?” Alejandro asked.

Jo slammed the button so hard it nearly broke. “His girlfriend Bridgette! Duh.”

Chris shook his head. “Wrong.” After Jo's period of piranha exposure, Chris explained the answer. “If you bothered to pay attention to the season two aftermaths, you would have heard Captain Hollywood himself say that he thinks Heather is the hottest girl to ever compete.”

Geoff blushed and Alejandro glared at him. “Oh, is that so? While I cannot argue with your taste in women, I must ask you to back off of Heather.”

“I didn't say I'd hit on her or anything,” Geoff protested. “I was just sayin' is all. I'm with Bridgette and it's gonna stay that way.”

“How sweet,” Chris said sarcastically. “Now tell me the only four people in World Tour that were not eliminated—either directly or not—by Alejandro.”

“This is so unfair,” Jo complained. “I can't possibly win this now.”

Ignoring her, Alejandro tried to count on his fingers everyone he eliminated, while Geoff took only a few seconds to think about it. He hit the buzzer and answered. “Four people were not eliminated by Alejandro. In order, they are Ezekiel, who messed up and got sent home, Lindsay, who lost against DJ in the model challenge because of Tyler, Izzy, who got airlifted out due to injury, and Sierra who got kicked out by blowing up your plane.”

“Way to go above and beyond, bro,” Chris congratulated. “And Geoff wins a spot in the finale!”

Geoff cheered and in the process, accidentally wiggled free of his restraints and fell into the water with a scream. Alejandro shrugged. “Very well, This just means the finale will be an easy win.”

“Who says he's taking you to the finale?” Jo asked.

“The fact that you did the worst here, and Geoff is so dim that he would pick the person who did not do well. It's the classic Total Drama mindset that the one who did the worst goes home at the end of it all.”

Jo crossed her arms. “We'll just see about that.”

“Well, we'll see tonight at the campfire when Geoff decides who to send packing,” Chris said. “That is, if he survives the piranha attack.”

“Help!” Geoff screamed. “Someone! I'm dying!”

A few hours later, Geoff walked out of the spa hotel after nursing his wounds. “I'm so pumped for another night in the spa,” he said to himself.

* * *

 

“Woo! I made it to the final two, baby! I'm so close to winning, all I need to do is beat either Jo or Alejandro, who could both...send me home in a body bag... Well, it was fun while it lasted.”

* * *

 

Alejandro walked up to Geoff and put his hand on his shoulder. “Congratulations, amigo. You deserved this win.”

“Thanks man,” Geoff said. “Look, man, I'm sorry about the whole Heather thing earlier.”

“It is water under the bridge now. Especially if you take me with you to the finale.”

Geoff shrugged. “I don't know who I'm taking yet, bro.”

“Well, I know you will make the right choice,” Alejandro said as he walked away. “We would not want the question of who's better decided by a simple trivia challenge, can we?”

“Uh, right...”

* * *

 

“Geoff is easy prey. If I just charm him a little bit, he will take me to the finale and seal his fate. One million dollars, here I come. And this time, nothing will stop me. Not Heather, not lava, and certainly not Geoff.”

* * *

 

Jo pondered her strategy in the confessional. “I hate to say it, but Latin Spice has a point. Geoff will probably send me home because of how bad I did, but maybe if I can convince him to send Al home... I have an idea.”

* * *

 

Jo approached Geoff and patted him on the back. “Hey there, Geoff,” she said, trying to force friendliness. “Congratulations on that win today.”

“Thanks a lot, Jo,” Geoff said. Jo opened her mouth to speak, but Geoff interrupted her. “Let me guess, you're here to try to get me to send Alejandro home instead of you.”

“Uh, yeah, but before you ignore me, hear me out. Alejandro's already been in the final two, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well how boring would that be? Nobody would want to watch Alejandro be in this position again. That would be terrible for ratings, right Captain Hollywood?”

Geoff thought about it. “You do have a point.”

“Besides, who is more likely to beat you? Sure, I'm super good at physical challenges, but Alejandro's good at literally everything. If you take him, he's gonna whup you. In front of an international audience and more importantly, Bridgette.” At that, Geoff gasped. “Right? If you lose in front of Bridgette, which one of you will she like more? The guy she's been dating since season one, or the guy who looks like a god and now has one million dollars?”

Geoff frowned. “You're right. Thanks for the advice, Jo.”

“No problem at all, bud.” Jo said. “Don't think this means I'll take it easy on you if you keep me around, though.”

“Wasn't gonna,” Geoff replied.

“See you at the campfire tonight,” Jo said as she walked away.

That night, the sun went down and Chris stood on the dock with the final three. “You've dived off cliffs, you've thrown down—and up—with your fellow competitors, and now here you stand. The final three is about to become the final two. Geoff, my man. Pick a person to send home.”

Geoff looked at his choices. “Well, Chris, I've thought long and hard about who to send home, but now I think I've made my choice.” Like a good host would, Geoff let his sentence hang long enough to make both Jo and Alejandro visibly nervous. “I'm sending home Alejandro.”

“What? Oh,” Alejandro slouched. “Man. I was so close, too.”

“Almost as close you were in season three,”Geoff said. “You know, that season when you left my girlfriend stuck to a pole?”

Alejandro sighed. “I guess you are right, and I guess I kind of deserved that. Well played, you two. Good luck to you both from the bottom of my heart.”

“Your cold, icy, soon to be wet little heart,” Chris agreed. “Now get in the toilet.”

Alejandro climbed in. “At least I am going home with my dignity intact.”

“You're getting flushed down a toilet, dude,” Chris said. He clicked a button and Alejandro disappeared from the competition. “Fourteen competitors down, and now the final two are only one challenge away from one million dollars, or the biggest flush ever. Who will seize the day, and who will crash and burn? Find out next time on the most exciting season finale ever! Right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank my girlfriend (ao3 user signel_chan and tumblr user signelchan) for helping me with this chapter. I didn't include her as a co-writer, but she might as well have been, seeing as she practically single-handedly came up with the idea of the first half of the challenge.


	14. The Final Wreck-ening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's all been leading up to this. Geoff ad Jo have fought their way through perilous obstacles, deadly challenges, and crafty opponents, but now it's time for them to face each other in the final no holds barred beatdown known as the season finale. Who will spring to Geoff and Jo's aid, and who will come out on top to win one million dollars?

“This season on Total Drama All Stars: Sixteen competitors returned for another shot at one million dollars. Your favorite heroes, villains, and Noah battled for supremacy in our most painful and grueling challenges ever, but it was the betrayals that cut the deepest. Scott freed Alejandro, who wooed Heather, who got framed by Mike, or should I say Mal, who got beaten by Al. Eva left Jo hanging, and they both left Brick high and dry. In the end, Geoff won the penultimate challenge and Alejandro took a ride in the Flush of Shame. After thirteen killer challenges, we're down to our final two players. Who will take home the million dollar prize?” Chris motioned at Chef, who was standing right next to him on the dock holding the prize money suitcase. Chef opened it and the cash plopped onto the ground. “Dude! Ahem, anyway, will it be Geoff, the party-happy surfer dude, or Jo, the no holds barred Jockette with an attitude? Find out right here, right now on the season finale of Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Geoff walked into the dining room of the spa hotel rubbing his eyes sleepily. “Hey butler dude, how's it going? Hey man I know it's a weird question, but can I get some wings for breakfast?”

“What kind of wings, sir?” The butler asked, unfazed by the weird request.

“Whoa, you don't care if I eat hot wings for breakfast? Normally Bridgette says it's weird, but I always eat hot wings on really important days.”

“I'm here to serve, not to question, sir,” the butler explained.

“Thanks dude. Can I call you Jeeves?”

“No sir.”

“Thanks Jeeves.”

* * *

 

“Today's the day! Today's my last day on this island and the only thing standing between me and one million dollars is...someone who can tear me apart.” Geoff gulped. “Well, I mean, there's no point in quitting now, so she'll have to do some major convincing to get me to give her the moolah. And if I do manage to win, I'm gonna go straight home to Bridge and throw the biggest, raddest, most radical party ever! And everyone will be invited, even Mike. I know he can't come because of reasons, but it's the polite thing to do to invite him anyway, ya know?”

* * *

 

“Convincing Geoff to send Mister Ponytail home was the hard part,” Jo said. “Now for the easy part: kicking his butt and winning one million dollars. What am I gonna do with the money? I'm gonna buy all the highest grade exercise equipment money can buy and then I'll be able to buy my way into the olympics. I hope the world record committee is watching because they better be ready to follow my every waking moment. I'm gonna shatter some world records.”

* * *

 

After Geoff was done with breakfast and Jo was done with her morning run, Chris started speaking over the intercom. “Good morning, finalists. Meet me in the forest clearing and get ready to diet. Wait, typo, sorry. Get ready to die!”

Geoff nervously walked through the forest, scared by Chris' apparent death threat. Jo approached him and slapped him on the back. “Oh, hey Jo,” Geoff greeted. “Good luck out there today.”

“I should say the same thing to you,” Jo said. “You're gonna need it.”

“Uh, thanks, I think?” Geoff held out his hand. “Shake on it?”

Jo grabbed his hand to shake it, but squeezed his hand so hard he fell to his knees. She looked him in the eyes and said, “You're going down, Captain Hollow Head.”

Geoff nervously pretended to laugh. “Ha, ha...can I have my hand back now?”

Jo smirked. “What's left of it, yeah.” She let him go and walked onward.

* * *

 

“Okay, maybe winning isn't as, uh, possible as I thought...”

* * *

 

In the forest clearing, Chris and Chef stood next to something hidden behind a big, red, important looking curtain. “Congratulations on getting to the finale,” Chris greeted. “It's something you'll regret for the rest of your lives, which will likely be rather short, since this final challenge is so vicious, so brutal, so savage that our lawyers said we had to change it.”

Geoff, who had been gasping at each new adjective sighed in relief at the end of Chris' sentence. “So you made it less dangerous?”

“No,” Chris answered. “But we told the producers we did.” He laughed and turned and held up his hand to Chef. “High five!”

Chef blinked and looked at Chris, not obliging. “People gonna die.”

“Those people, maybe,” Chris said pointing at Jo and Geoff. “Combatants, choose your weapons.” The curtain opened to reveal a wall of various weapons ranging from a bow and arrow to a spaghetti canon and even Lightning's mannequin leg weapon and Mr. Coconut for some reason. “So what will it be? Meatball bazooka? Bow and blunt tipped arrows? Leechball gun? A slingshot? Tranq gun? Or...wait, why is there an oven mitt there?” Chef ran towards the wall and snatched the oven mitt.

“There was an extra hook,” he explained nervously.

Without hesitation, Jo grabbed the bazooka. Geoff considered his options. “What are we using these for?”

“On each other, I hope,” Jo said, taking aim at Geoff.

“You'll see,” Chris said. “Now move it or lose it.” Geoff finally grabbed the bow and arrow and the contestants followed Chris to a separate clearing, where thirteen orange balloons floated in the air. “Now that you've got your weapons, you'll need them to pop these balloons. Each one contains a previously flushed all star.”

“Seriously?” Geoff asked. “Can they breath in there?”

“I dunno,” Chris shrugged. “Ask Owen. He filled them.”

Owen sat a few feet away, covered in beans and surrounded by cans. “Thanks Chris,” he said. “These double deep-fried beans really do the trick. Watch.” He grit his teeth and a balloon inflated right behind him with a fart sound. In fact, it inflated so far that the balloon exploded, sending plastic and cans everywhere. “Mommy...”

“Wait a second,” Jo said. “How many of us came here?”

“Sixteen,” Geoff said. He did the math on his fingers for a moment. “Wait, I only count thirteen. Shouldn't there be fourteen balloons?”

“We couldn't manage to fetch Mike for this finale,” Chris explained. “Or Mal. Freakin' whatever. You have thirty seconds. Any all star you shoot down becomes your helper. And go!” He sounded an air horn and Jo immediately started firing wildly at the balloons. Her meatballs missed and she grunted in frustration.

Geoff struggled to aim his arrows. “This was a bad idea...” He fired and the arrow went way off, sticking into Owen's already pained back. “Sorry dude!” Finally, a meatball popped a balloon and Brick fell into a nearby bush with a scream.

“Oh great...” Jo said sarcastically. She continued firing and another meatball finally popped a second balloon. Eva fell to the ground and crushed some sort of small animal when she landed. “Oh, even better!” Jo groaned.

“And Jo picks up Eva and Brick,” Chris announced. “Geoff, you might wanna start trying.”

“I am,” Geoff protested. By a stroke of sheer luck, an arrow flew and barely popped a balloon, out of which Izzy emerged with a fart sound. Izzy landed on her feet and ran over to Geoff.

“Thanks Geoff, I've been in there forever,” she said with a giggle. “Want some help? Here,” she took the bow and arrow from him and fired. The arrow pierced a balloon and Zoey crashed to the ground just as an airhorn blew.

“Time's up!” Chris said. He motioned toward an intern who was standing nearby holding a large pole with a hook on the end. “Oh intern, collect the others, please.” The intern obeyed and tried his best to pop the balloons with the hook, but a gust of wind came on and blew the balloons far out of his reach. A chorus of nine anguished screams sounded as the flushed contestants floated off into the sun. “Oh...Probably should've tied them down,” Chris said. His phone rang and he shrugged as he checked the caller ID. “Huh. It's the lawyers. I'm gonna let it go to voicemail. Okay, let's go on.”

* * *

 

“If this challenge is as dangerous as Chris says, I feel bad bringing Zoey back into it,” Geoff said. “Izzy on the other hand... She can take care of herself. At least it's better than letting them float into space.”

* * *

 

“If Brick or Eva get in my way at all, I'm going to bury them alive!”

* * *

 

“Izzy and Zoey,” Chris said as Zoey approached the group. “You two will be helping Geoff. Eva and Brick, you're on team Jo. However, you guys are here as helpers only, meaning you can't win.”

Everyone nodded except Eva, who rolled her eyes. “Bull crap. I deserve to win more than that cheater Jo.”

“I don't care what kind of grudge you have against her, you have to help her,” Chris said.

Brick saluted. “Sir yes sir.”

* * *

 

“Unlike Eva, I don't have a problem with Jo, so maybe if I help her, she'll finally acknowledge me as a friend, or maybe even an equal!” Brick said hopefully.

* * *

 

“Geoff seems like a really sweet guy,” Zoey said. “I sure wish I was helping Mike, but I guess he couldn't quite go all the way.”

* * *

 

Everyone in the group rode in trailers connected to the back of a buggy driven by an intern. One trailer held Geoff, Izzy and Zoey while the second one held Jo, Eva and Brick. Zoey elbowed Geoff. “So Geoff, how far did Mike get?”

Geoff sighed nervously. “Uh, you see, _Mike_ only really made it to the merge. Technically.”

“What do you mean, technically?”

“Mike kind of got taken over by his evil alternate personality Mal, who made it to the final five before being thrown in...uh...”

“A rubber room!” Jo shouted ahead at them. “Mike and Mal are gonna be hugging themselves for the rest of their lives!”

Zoey gasped. “Mike got sent to the mental hospital?”

Geoff nodded sadly. “I tried to help him, but he was beyond help. There was nothing I can do.”

Zoey nodded. “I understand,” she said sadly. “I was so looking forward to seeing him again.”

Izzy played drums on Geoff's head. “Hey, don't be down. Do that super neato thing you did last year with the commando stuff. Izzy likes commando Soey.”

“It's Zoey.”

“That's what I said.”

“Geoff, Jo,” Chris chimed in from the front of the buggy. “This season, I decided to come up with something really dangero—uh....special. Yeah, special. Something special for the both of you. Say hello to the final challenge of Total Drama All Stars: The Moats of Doom!” The buggy came to a halt in front of a huge plateau consisting of three cliffs. One moat of bubbly green liquid surrounded the first raised cliff, which had a ring of something else on it and a second cliff in the middle. The second cliff had a third moat which surrounded one last cliff with a small castle on top. “Each level has a tiny sliver of safe-ish ground where you'll find tools to help you survive the insane dangers that await you in each moat. The first moat at ground level is filled with toxic waste. You might wanna avoid falling in unless you wanna go to the prom with Ezekiel. Moat number two is boiling hot lava! The third moat is just plain old swamp water. Safe enough, right? No! What lies beneath will definitely kill you.”

Everyone gasped at the sheer size of this final challenge.

* * *

 

Eva sighed. “You know, floating off into the sun and dying a fiery death sounds really good right now.”

* * *

 

“Geoff, Jo, if you somehow survive all three moats, you must say goodbye to your helpers and go it alone as you storm the castle.” Chef stood atop the castle wearing a crown and regal cape while sipping on tea. Under the castle sat a rock with a sword sticking out of it. “Take your life in your hands as you fight your way past the Mad King.”

Chef rolled his eyes. “I am the Mad King,” he said, barely tolerating having to play along.

“If you get past the Mad King and find the strength to pull the Sword of Victory from the stone, you are the true Total Drama All Star and win one. Million. Dollars! So, excited?”

“This is crazy!” Zoey said.

“This looks fun!” Izzy celebrated.

“I'm gonna die,” Brick said as his face went pale.

“You're all gonna die,” Eva agreed.

Geoff took a deep breath. “Okay guys, let's do this. If we all work together and look out for each other, we can totally do this! Just stick together and look out for one another.” He, Izzy and Zoey high-fived while Jo looked on disgusted.

“Okay maggots. Whether you like it or not, you're helping me. And only me.” She shot daggers at Brick. “Even think about helping Captain Driftwood and when I'm through with you, you'll look so much uglier than Ezekiel that you'll wish you were more like him. It's all for one here, and that one is me. You help me, even at the cost of your own lives. Understand?”

Brick saluted. “Sir yes sir!”

Eva rolled her eyes. “Whatever. If I don't, Chris will probably put me in another balloon, so I guess I have no choice.”

“Will anyone survive the final challenge? If yes, will our winner be a king or queen? Find out right after the break here on Total. Drama. All Stars!”

* * *

 

Jo and Geoff stood with their teams on opposite ends of the Moats of Doom. “Good luck Geoff,” Jo jeered across at him. “You're gonna need it!”

“Hey you too, man!” Geoff called back sincerely. Jo rolled her eyes in response.

Chris held a megaphone to his mouth. “On your mark...get set. Go!” He blew an airhorn into the megaphone (which seemed like a bit much to everyone except Izzy, who found it endlessly entertaining,) and everyone set off. Geoff, Izzy and Zoey arrived at the radioactive moat and Zoey started thinking while Izzy started spacing out. “It's too wide to jump across.”

Geoff found two impossibly long stalks of bamboo lying nearby and pointed at them. “Maybe we can use those as stilts,” he suggested.

“Good idea,” Zoey said. “Let's test 'em out.”

Geoff put the ends of both stalks in the moat and they started steaming right away. He pulled them out after a few seconds to see the ends he put in reduced to ash. “Maybe not...”

Suddenly, Izzy perked up. “I know what I need to do! Be right back.” With that, she sprinted off.

Meanwhile, Jo, Brick and Eva weren't having much better luck. “How are you at floating?” Jo asked Brick and Eva. They both glared at her, unamused. “Hey, I was just joking. Give me a break, eh?”

Eva found a bamboo stalk and bent it as hard as she could. When she couldn't break it, she took it back to Jo. “We can pole vault across.”

Brick saw the stick and shook his head. “That will work for now, but what about the lava moat? We should think of something else for now, but then we can use the pole vault idea next.”

“Good thinking, soldier,” Jo said. “Maybe you're not a total waste after all.”

* * *

 

“That's the nicest thing Jo's ever said to me,” Brick said, unsure of whether it was a good thing or a bad thing.

* * *

 

After further thought, Eva had an idea. She ran to a nearby tree and grabbed the bark. She tore it off the tree and went back to Jo. “We can use this tree bark as a boat,” she suggested.

“Great idea, Eva!” Brick congratulated.

Meanwhile, Geoff stood on a tree branch clinging to a vine. In the branch above him was Izzy and below him was Zoey. “Are you sure about this, you guys?”

Zoey nodded. “Me and Izzy know how to swing on vines like this. We've totally got this under control. How about we go on three, Izzy?”

“Okay,” Izzy said enthusiastically. However, before Zoey could begin counting, she jumped and the trio swung across the radioactive moat with ease and screams, but mostly screams. They landed at the foot of the ladders leading to the next stage and Izzy got on it immediately while Geoff and Zoey recovered from their unexpected ride.

“What the heck, Izzy? I thought I said on the count of three,” Zoey said.

“You said three,” Izzy replied. Zoey rolled her eyes and she and Geoff followed after Izzy up the ladder.

“Geoff has crossed the first moat,” Chris announced. “Geoff is in the lead!”

“Not for long,” Jo said as Brick and Eva rowed their way across the moat with tree branches. “Let's go team Jo!”

“It would help if Jo would help team Jo,” Eva grumbled.

The makeshift boat started steaming as the radioactive waste started eating away at the bark. “Um, less groaning, more rowing,” Brick said nervously.

“Brickhead is right,” Jo said. “Stroke, stroke, stroke!” Finally, they bumped against the shore and jumped onto the inner ring of rock. They all got on the ladder and worked their way up.

Both groups reached the edge of the lava moat at the same time and Chris used the time they took thinking about how to get across to commentate. “Welcome to level 2. All tied, no one's died. Yawn. Let's go, people!” Suddenly, his phone started ringing. With a sigh, Chris answered it to a chorus of angry voices. “True. I should've known better, I got it. We just forgot to tie the balloons down. ...Well, my optometrist tested that and it turns out, my hindsight is actually quite bad.” More yelling followed and Chris frowned. “Oops,” he said as he tossed his phone backwards into the toxic waste.

Zoey looked around for a way to cross the lava and finally had an idea. “I got it!” She grabbed the ladder they used to get up and laid it flat across the moat. “Hurry Geoff, cross! Me and Izzy will hold it down. Right, _Izzy_?” Izzy nodded and helped Zoey keep the ladder steady. Geoff crawled across on all fours slowly while Brick handed Jo the bamboo stalk from earlier.

“Hey wait a minute,” Jo said angrily. “There's not enough room up here to pole vault across!”

“I thought there would be enough room,” Brick stuttered. “I'm sorry.” Jo threw the bamboo at Brick and it bounced off his head and tumbled into the radioactive waste below.

“Now how are we gonna get across?” Jo demanded. “Geoff's gonna win at this rate.”

Suddenly, Geoff's ladder caught fire near the edge Zoey and Izzy were holding it down at. “Whoa, Geoff! Hurry!” Zoey yelled. Geoff looked behind him to see the ladder quickly burning to a crisp behind him. He got up on his feet and sprinted across the flaming ladder, reaching the other end just before the whole thing crumbled to ashes.

“How are you guys gonna get across?” Geoff called.

“Don't worry about us,” Zoey said. “We'll figure it out.”

“If you insist,” Geoff said nervously as he climbed the ladder.

“Geoff's on his way to level three,” Chris said. “Jo better spring into action soon, or this will be really boring.”

“Hold on,” Eva said before Jo could go into a full-on rage. She grabbed Jo and picked her up by her hood and her knees. She threw Jo across the lava moat with all her force and Jo landed face first at the foot of the ladder.

“Good idea,” Brick said. “But how are we gonna get across?” Eva hoisted him up too and prepared to throw him. “Hold on! Wait, how will you get across?”

“I won't,” Eva said. “I'm done here. You help Jo however you can.” With that, she tossed Brick across and he landed on top of Jo. Jo pushed him off her and climbed up the ladder to join Geoff at the water moat.

Meanwhile, Zoey looked around frantically for a way she could cross. “We have to get over there. There's no way Geoff can beat Jo on his own.” Not too far away, she found a hot pink pogo stick and picked it up. “A pogo stick? Really?”

Down at the bottom, Chris reclined in a lawnchair and pointed a megaphone in Zoey's direction. “Keep in mind: not all of these items were tested for safety. And by not all, I mean none. Each one is a death trap just waiting to—” An intern approached him with a ringing extra cell phone, answered it and silently held it up to Chris' ear. “Should I have rephrased that?” Chris asked the angry producers on the other end.

Izzy grabbed the pogo stick from Zoey and started bouncing on it. “Look how high I can go,” she said as she bounced high enough to join Geoff on the top layer.

“That's great Izzy but we need to be helping Geoff right now.”

“Who?” Izzy landed wrong and the pogo stick snapped in half, sending one half into the lava and the other half falling to the previous level with Izzy.

“Are you okay?” Zoey called down.

“Peachy!” Izzy called up without missing a beat.

Jo reached the top of the ladder followed closely by Brick and Chris' voice continued annoying everyone as she did so. “And Jo makes it to level three. It's a dead heat, so it could be anybody's game. Well, except Eva, Brick, Zoey, or Izzy. You know what I mean.

Jo spotted Geoff halfway across the moat and jumped in the water. “Are you sure we can swim in this?” Brick said. “It might have like, leftover radiation or something.”

“Oh, calm down, Yellow Trousers. It's just swamp water. See?” Jo splashed some water on Brick, convincing him to join her on her swim across the moat. Suddenly, Fang lunged at Geoff from below the water. Geoff screamed and paddled away as fast as he could.

“Geoff!” Brick called.

“Oh no you don't, Bucky,” Jo said, grabbing his collar as he was about to head in Geoff's direction. “You're helping me. If Party Boy gets eaten by a shark, it'll just be easier for me to win the million.”

Brick frowned. “First of all, my name isn't Bucky. Second of all, Geoff's my friend and I can't just let him get eaten by a shark. Never leave a man behind!”

Geoff swam by frantically, having done an entire lap around the whole moat with Fang hot on his tail. “Help me!” He screamed. Fang lunged and Geoff barely avoided getting chewed on by placing his hands and feet in gaps between Fang's teeth. “Please, help me, I can't hold Fang like this forever.”

“No,” Jo insisted. “I'm winning my million dollars.”

“Really, Jo?” Geoff demanded. “Is this really the way you wanna win? By leaving me for...for shark bait? If I die here, then who really wins, you or Fang, because he will have been the one to eat me. If you really hate cheating so much, why are you so ready to leave me to get eaten by a shark?”

“Please Jo,” Brick pleaded. “We need to help him, and fast.”

Jo finally started swimming toward Fang. She jumped on his back and pulled on his dorsal fin, loosening his grip on Geoff enough to allow him to slip back into the water. Jo punched Fang into the sky, leaving a chip of his tooth spiraling in the air. “Take that you mutated freak!” Jo caught the tooth as a trophy and turned to Geoff.

“Whoa, that worked—I mean, you saved me?”

Jo rolled her eyes. “Don't take it to heart. The only reason I saved you is because I can't prove I'm better than you if you're shark poop. This is a one time thing, so don't get yourself in trouble again.”

“Yeah, okay,” Geoff said. “Let's go with that.”

* * *

 

Jo fumed in the confessional. “If anyone dares to accuse me of going soft, I'll rip their hair out one strand at a time, got it?”

* * *

 

Chris rocketed up in his jetpack to berate them. “What was that? You _saved_ him? This is the finale! It's about pain and betrayal. And pain! Not hugs and kisses!”

“But we're not kiss—”

“ _Pain!_ ”

“I'll kiss someone!” Izzy said. She jumped up to where Zoey was standing and gave her a small kiss on the cheek.

“Um, thanks?” Zoey said. “Please don't do that again, though.”

“You got it,” Izzy said.

“That's it!” Chris yelled. “New rules: _anyone_ who gets the sword out of the stone wins the million dollars!”

“Anyone?” Eva repeated. Without hesitation, she leapt straight from her spot next to the lava moat and straight into the water on the next level.

“Holy thunder thighs!” Brick yelled. “She's coming!”

Eva was swimming faster than a motor boat and had every intention of knocking Jo and Geoff out of her way. “Much better,” Chris said with a devious smile.

Jo stopped Eva in her tracks by pointing her newly acquired shark tooth at her. “You stop right there. I'm the one who made it to the final two and I'll be the one to win the million! Here, hold this.” She put her shark tooth in Eva's hand and paddled away.

“What do I do with a shark tooth?” Eva asked. Just then, Fang splashed down in the moat and quickly surfaced to look for his missing tooth. He spotted Eva and growled. “Uh, oh...”

Brick swam alongside Jo and Geoff, cheering Jo on. “You go, Jo!”

“Wait, you're not going for the million?” Geoff asked.

“I'm still team Jo, prize or no prize,” Brick explained. “She deserves that much after saving your life.”

“I can agree with that,” Geoff said. Geoff and Jo reached the shore and started climbing at the same time.

“I'll guard the ladder,” Brick assured them as they climbed.

They reached the top at opposite ends of the small castle where Chef sat and he grinned at them evilly. He loaded his meatball canon and shot at Geoff, who almost lost his balance and fell down, but he managed to stay on. He scrambled to the top and quickly ducked behind a small rock as the spaghetti flew by him. “Whoa, man, chill out!”

Chef turned around and started firing at Jo, who was significantly closer to the stone than Geoff was, but not enough to worry Chef. She did a flip to dodge some incoming edible projectiles and started cautiously advancing toward the sword. “Oh, some impressive maneuvers from Jo and Geoff,” Chris announced. He flew up to Chef and glared at him. “And unimpressive shooting from Chef.” In response, Chef hit Chris point blank and sent him flying.

“Hey man, don't say that,” Geoff said from behind his rock. “I'm sure Chef's trying his best, ain't that right pal?”

“Aw, thank you, Geoff,” Chef said. “At least someone appreciates me.”

“No proble—” Geoff's sentence was interrupted by the sound of a sword being unsheathed.

Below Chef, triumphantly holding the sword aloft and with one foot on the rock where it came from, stood Jo. “Yeah, I did it!”

Chris landed next to her holding the silver briefcase and wiping meat off his clothes. “And Jo wins the million dollars!”

“...Dang it!” Geoff said once he realized that distracting Chef with the compliment helped her win.

Suddenly, Jo was hit in the face with a meatball projectile. Chef stood above her and cackled before clearing his throat nervously. “Uh, I was just cleaning it and it went off.”

Brick joined Jo and patted her back. He was joined by Izzy and Zoey, who somehow made it up there as well. “Way to go, Jo!” Brick congratulated.

Chris' phone started ringing once again and he rolled his eyes. “Ugh, it's the network,” he said as he answered it. “Yes? Uh, huh? Uh, huh... Okay! Done!” He hung up and turned to the contestants. “They're so happy that they wanna go straight into a new season with an all new cast!” Suddenly, the whole challenge started rumbling as steam shot from the stone where the sword was resting. “Um, what's going on?”

“Chef?” Zoey asked. “What did you use to make these moats?”

“A fracking machine, why?”

“Whoa! You can't say that on TV.” Geoff said.

“Wait, isn't a fracking machine that really cool hydraulic drill?” Izzy said. “Wouldn't that kinda suck on an island this teeny tiny?”

“What could happen?” Chris asked.

As if to answer his question, a geyser of water erupted from the stone just as Izzy yelled “ka-boom!” Everyone except Izzy screamed in panic as the entire island started rumbling. Down at the docks, Sasquatchanakwa walked toward the giant toilet holding a newspaper and whistling. Before he could sit on the giant commode, it exploded, sending porcelain and water everywhere. Elsewhere, the confessional outhouse also erupted, along with the abandoned mine, the communal washroom, every toilet in the spa hotel, and random rocks around the island. Three interns rode a table out of the flooding kitchen as they screamed for their lives. The butler incorrectly labeled Jeeves stood on the porch of the spa hotel playing a violin as he slowly disappeared under the water. The entire island sank beneath the lake's surface suddenly and with an unceremonious splash. Luckily, everyone who mattered survived and was floating by on driftwood or whatever they could find.

Eva surfaced and spit water from her mouth. “This sucks,” she said with her arms crossed. “I hate this show.” Fang surfaced behind her and stared daggers at her. She screamed and swam away as he started chasing her for his tooth back.

Meanwhile, Geoff, Jo, Brick, Izzy and Zoey floated by sitting on a cabin rooftop. “Well this was fun,” Geoff said. “Let's do this again sometime.”

The response was a resounding and stern “ _no_!” from everyone except Izzy, who yelled “that was fun, let's do it again!”

“Wait,” Jo said. “Where's my money? _McLean!”_

Chris was elsewhere, floating on another rooftop and cradling the briefcase of money in his arms. “Well, that does it for our first All Star season, but don't worry, we're coming back with a brand new cast! And I guess a brand new island, too... Until next time, I'm Chris McLean and this has been Total. Drama. All Stars!”

A boat holding all the interns and wild animals drove by, pulling Owen on water skis behind it. “Look ma, I'm water-skiing!” Owen laughed. He got launched off a rooftop and splashed down in the water. When he surfaced, he pumped his fists in the air. “That was awesome!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy cow, writing this has been quite a ride. Thank you so much to everyone who read this far. I'd also like to thank my super awesome girlfriend for putting up with my incessant rambling about this fic and for contributing several awesome ideas including the first half of last episode's challenge and Jo's plan for the money. One final note: If you did not like this ending, the Geoff ending is posted on my FFN account and if you would like to read it, send me a message and I'll direct you over to it. Although, just between us, this is the ending I like better, if only because of Jo actually noticing she didn't get the money.


End file.
